Ramblings on interconnectivity

I had a long, draining week last week, and I'm done with stressing over several projects at the workplace that are mostly done or in a hold pattern for now. My intellect is chalking my tiredness and feeling weirded out to not resting as I should, plus working on several writing things I haven’t worked on in far too long, including a poetry book, revamping a book on my cancer experience and other health crap, and a historical-based screenplay. I keep trying to insist to myself that I feel normal again, with pacing myself, except I feel somewhat awful and I hate having to pace myself.  I’ve also been hot flashing again and thinking how not fair it is to have to grow old, since this time the approaching menopause thing is more appropriately timed to normal life stuff instead of being in menopause early thanks to chemo. I think I’m already mentally old because I’m totally okay having been falling apart for forever, plus now I feel like I’m rambling all senile-like because I’m tired and need a nap. Well, I'm really not quite that tired, but I do have a headache, so napping seems like a reasonable thing to do. Um, but maybe not at 6:40 pm... drat.

Intellect aside, the rest of me thinks that it’s awfully strange for me to feel this awfully strange for the last few days… like, really angry and sucker-punchy and in tears at one point, but none of this has been hormonal or directed at anyone. I’m on a The Pill non-stop for endometriosis and haven’t had a period in years (and I LOVE THIS), but I wondered if it could’ve been hormonal since I recently changed BCPs (from Loestrin Fe 24 to Junel 1/20 due to cost). However, the differences in the inactive ingredients seemed way too slight to cause me to be all freaked out from feeling freaked out. Then I figured, the tears are from stubbornly trying to do things like normal while fibro flaring, since I’ve been hurting more than usual (stupid weather changing all crazy again), plus I get that way when I’m out of the microlingual B12 that works better than the rest of the B12s I’ve tried, and also Very Annoying Computer Issues Happening From Out Of Nowhere on top of pollen explosions worsening my allergies aren’t helping either.

I really should rest a bit more, with the not braining and not doing anything this week, but it occurred to me this afternoon that the last few days for me have been like when animals know that something’s coming and freak out even though they may not know why. I’ve actually done this a few times over the decades; the freakiest time was trying to talk with my pastor while in tears, not knowing why I was crying, speaking in a non-shaky voice and wondering what the hell was going on with me. He tried to console me but I was like, “Nothing is wrong with me. I really have no idea why this is happening!” A few days later, 9/11 happened, and I was like, oh, maybe that’s what I’ve been sensing. Weirder things have happened. So now I’m wondering if the explosions with the Boston Marathon are the same type thing, even though the skeptic part of my brain is all, “Yeah, right, whatever,” although the intuitive part of my brain is all, “What, again!?? Gaah already!”

There was a horrific bus accident about a mile from my home last week, so I’ve been thinking back to my disaster preparedness days and realizing how much I don’t miss that but how much I miss working in liturgy. I found a coworker of mine from several jobs ago too, working for one of the organizations involved with the local disaster response, who was a blast to work with but who’d disappeared… I’m pretty sure he hates me for trying to help him with a personal situation, but oh well. If I’m going to lose a friendship, I’m good with it if it’s for a good cause, like trying to get two people to work through relationship issues (especially when the person I’m trying to help really needs to stop making the same mistake multiple times), but I digress.

With today, I thought back to when I lived in Framingham years ago, and how I watched the beginning of the Boston Marathon one year in Hopkinton. That was cool. At my desk I heard from a coworker that everyone there preparing for our annual meeting was okay (the meeting hotel is really close to Copley Square) and it starts in a few days. I watched video of the first explosion, saw pics via news sites, read about the incident at the library, and I still can’t help but think of April 19, 1995, when I could’ve died in the Murrah Building in OKC had my schedule for the day gone as planned. I would’ve likely been finishing up or leaving the social security office from getting my name changed as I’d recently gotten married (for the first time; long story short, it lasted less than two years). I moved college class stuff around to have a day to do paperwork and home things, and naturally that was the day the bombing happened. Fortunately the alarm had been turned way down somehow (and it was checked twice the night before since we had a full day and needed to start early), so when that boom rattled the windows and shook the walls of my house, I wasn’t worried in the least. I figured it was some hotshot pilot buzzing nearby Tinker Air Force Base. Then there was panic and yelling from the radio when the alarm next went off, and I spent the following few hours glued to the television, jaw hitting the floor after realizing that’s where I should’ve been at the time. (The social security office was next to the daycare in the building.)

It’s kind of strange and funny to see how interconnected life can be sometimes. I’ve been thinking about that more lately, with things that happen over a span of years. Sure a lot of things are just coincidences and crazy random happenstances, but just stepping back and observing and connecting some dots can be interesting too, with things making a lot more sense in retrospect, sometimes. Like, did I become comfortable with working disaster preparedness things because of living in the environment with the Murrah explosion and the aftermath? Am I missing liturgy and sacred music more than usual lately because I’m surrounded by a completely different set of people these days so I don’t have as much opportunity to church nerd as much as I did before? Have I crossed into being officially old now because I don’t care about external things as much as I used to, except for how they can get me into living life more internally faster?

I think this may be too ambitious even for me (HA! – geez, I crack myself up sometimes), but I think some additions to my overall life plan may make retiring happen in a way better way. Since I really committed myself last year to writing a screenplay for someone else, I’ve noticed a lot of film people showing up in my life. I’m learning more about video production without even intending to get into that, and I’m wondering if this will help me make some connections for connections down the line in case the screenplay I end up with is so kickass that it simply has to be produced. This would be nice. This would mean more financial security and getting to do what I want to do much faster – namely move to New Mexico, start growing Chimayo chiles and whatever else, have a photography studio for me, get an art studio for Jefferson, chillax and travel whenever and wherever, and maybe do some consulting and selling of gourmet chile powder (note to self: check with brother-in-law on related spice things) and such as. I’ve even found a house off the side of a highway near Nambé Falls that seems like it would be perfect – out in the middle of nowhere but near enough to civilization for usefulness – and of course there’s no guarantee that it’ll still be available when I’m ready but it’s certainly being a good carrot right now, with getting me to get more of what I want to do done already. Of course, nothing I’ve planned is absolutely guaranteed to happen, plus I have to remember to take decent care of myself in the meantime, which means resting when I don’t want to, and I really am trying to not whine about resting but this is one of those times I’d like to have a 5-minute pity party before breaking all the glassware and dishes in celebration of my usual kicking of ass.

Okay, enough rambling. Heartfelt prayers and worries for everyone in Beantown.

Long ramblings on science, paranormality, the future of the Catholic church, and other stuff

"Well, this is going to take a long time, so you may want to get some snacks." - Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past from the Future, Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

Seriously. Go get some snacks. And something to drink. I’ve been typing this up off and on for almost a month, and it kinda got more verbose than I’d planned, and I don't feel like messing with it any further so it's going up. Apologies in advance for the freethought rambling; I haven't gone on for this long in a while, but there's a fair amount of interconnectivity, so there.

So. Ratzi retiring. What a bit of interesting history in the making. Anyone wondering about the whole process of what happens in transition can get a good overview with current players mentioned at this link.

A lot of stuff has been going around about how he’s been an ineffective pope, how he hasn’t done enough for those abused by priests, blah blah yada. That’s all true, but Palpatine is pretty old. At least he’s not stubbornly staying put like JPII did. I admire dedication to the death, but ministers can still minister outside of the job of ministry, and that’s all the papal position is, really – a position. Whoever’s in the role of pope is first and foremost a priest. Maybe Ratzi just wants to retire and kick back with his pretty manservant. More power to that hypocrite if so.

Practicing what I preach via plastic.

Quick context for the rest of this post: I was baptized Catholic as an infant but mom took me out when I was 5 or 6 so we could support one of her friends who started a church. I grew up with her going to a non-denominational church, my dad going to a Catholic church, me going to an Assemblies of God church since I had friends who went there, and going a few times to both of those plus a Kingdom Hall with my Jehovah’s Witnesses relatives. I have a ton of friends who follow some form of organized religion (not necessarily Christian) or somewhat organized spirituality, and just as many friends who are totally atheist / agnostic / secular humanist. My husband is very well versed in scriptures of many faiths (we have a nice collection in our library), is a preacher’s kid, and lives in tune with Wakan Tanka, but is most assuredly an avowed agnostic. We have some different perspectives regarding some spiritual things since I’m an avowed pantheist, but it’s all good. Technically, I’m more of a Zen Catholic who does not practice much at all, but I consider myself a pantheist because my definition of God is everything in the multiverses that we do and do not yet know about, and my church is nature. For what it’s worth, I’m also a card-carrying ordained Spiritual Humanist because I have no problems holding dichotomies. I also need to renew my JREF membership one of these years.

For those who don’t know how my weird mind works, I’m definitely a skeptic but mysterious and paranormal things fascinate me. I had a somewhat mysterious experience while waking up on Christmas morning one year, and I’d gone through RCIA within the year or two before to get back into being a good Catholic. In researching Catholic this and that, I came across information about stigmata, and reading about Catherine of Siena having invisible stigmata fascinated me, since that Christmas morning I’d dreamed about religiousy Christmasy things (probably from wanting to go to midnight mass but not going) and woke up with pain in the palms of my hands and feet. It didn’t go away after a few months, and I knew there had to be a scientific-based explanation for it, so I learned a lot about how the mind can create things that aren’t there (like false memories), how emotions can affect the physical body, kundalini rising, stigmata in history, everything. I also tried to figure out what it meant to be Catholic (wow is that varied) and reconcile that to what I was experiencing since I had no other context for it.

Long story short, 11 or so years later I found that it had to do with a severe deficiency in B12 and that I had been experiencing the related peripheral neuropathy. What kills me is that I could’ve found out after only 5 years of not knowing. A naturopath started me on B12 sublingual to help me build back my system after each round of chemo for breast cancer, and she was expecting me to feel really awesome after a few weeks. Nope. Nothing. She was astonished. She thought out loud, saying it could be due to a B12 deficiency, but then immediately dismissed that since B12 deficiencies of that level were rare. Heh. I’m a magnet / poster child for very rare things happening, so I should have figured it out then. (I blame chemo brain for the oversight.) Years later, when my primary care physician’s assistant checked my levels, she found the deficiency and started me on B12 shots. I ended up having to have 1,000 cc IM something like twice a week or each week, then every two weeks for over a year. Normally I would’ve gone to a monthly schedule after three months if memory’s correct, but I noticed involuntary eye twitching right before my biweekly injection, and found out about that involuntary twitching being a sign of possible deficiency, so just kept with it. I got to feeling better, but to feel more “normal” I take 2,000 IU microlingual methylcobalamin each morning, and I still do 1 cc liquid cyanocobalamin for when I know I’m running low, like after getting nitrous at the dentist’s office or while recovering from a cold. Incidentally, it was not fun to personally learn that liquid B12 has an expiration date for a reason.

So yeah, f yeah, science! There is always something scientific for everything mysterious and paranormal, and to me, anything genuinely paranormal just hasn’t been explained by science yet. Take intuition. There’s a fair amount of woo attached to a simple human sense, and that’s just so strange to me. Some people are more in touch with their perceptive abilities than others are, just like some people are supertasters,have absolute pitch, great echolocation, etc. Intuition is just another regular sense.

I’m also very aware of how people use mysterious events to try to control the behavior of others. When I heard the breaking news about the pope resigning, because of my fascination with the mysterious and paranormal, I naturally thought about the Third Secret of Fatima. (I also thought about the whole list of popes prophesied by St. Malachy thing, but I’ll get to that later.) Sure, most people will dismiss the Third Secret as a bunch of malarkey, but I’ve been intrigued with how Joey Ratz has involved himself with it.

Long story short, back in the day, God’s mama told some kids that some crap was gonna go down, and that the guys heading Holy Mother Church needed to pay attention to it and maybe say some prayers and live better so that it wouldn’t be so bad. The guys in charge were like, nope!, for whatever reasons (likely power plays and other blah). Some of the guys have tried to cover things up and misdirect others about what the crap is all about. There are a lot of conspiracy theories about the Third Secret and the “grain of salt” perspective works well in reading them; some history can be found here,  and this page has kind of a nice overview of some things. (Personally, I can see the making known of the scope of abuse issues as the big huge destructive thing that helps with renewal of the overall organization into something better, but some people aren’t into that.) Some guys have laid hints down throughout time in order for there to be a bread crumb trail to follow in case a course correction is needed. Ratzi seems to be one of those latter guys. As Cardinal, he was kinda involved with stating somethings about the Third Secret for the record, and as Pope, he’s mentioned that the whole shebang isn’tconcluded yet. 

So what’s the crap? Basically there’s corruption in high places in the church, and that’s a Bad Thing. *shrug* Having worked at the chancery of a Catholic diocese for five years, I know some things about the behind-the-scenes mindsets, and that perspective is totally right on.  Totally solid. I could see compromises in not just business decisions but in overall Vatican orders barked at us. Rewording the Mass in English to make it more true to the literal Latin still grates on my nerves, but that’s a personal preference (shared by some of the priests I talked with while trying to get their feedback on the then-suggested translations; not all evolution in theological understanding is good evolution, but meh). I’m not schooled in theology so I leave that up to the experts, but I’m wrinkling my nose as I do.

As far as internal strife, yeah. The tension between Bishops Grahmann and Galante was so thick some days it was like molasses to walk through, but that situation was a bit weird to begin with. (Normally, another bishop is brought in when one’s about to leave, but the one there wasn’t leaving, and so the other ended up being transferred some years later… yeah, awkward.) That tension, along with the molestation madness exploding, along with there being a bankruptcy plan on the shelf due to lawsuits against the diocese for local abuse issues, was enough to make me consider leaving the liturgical work that I really really really loved doing. Not only was I using my music education degree, I was all up ons with ritual. I loves me some ritual! And browsing catalogs full of vestments and shiny communion vessels and furniture…. Good times, good times. I should’ve left it sooner than I did, but I’m still grateful for the health insurance benefits I had through the diocese while I was still there, ‘cos unexpected triple negative breast cancer at age 30 was a bitch. It was even harder to see two occasional coworkers from there pass away from breast cancer. Both were older than I was; one had the aggressive form I did and the other had the usual kind that came back and metastatized within two years after having a mastectomy. The survivor’s guilt was pretty horrible.

It seems like the big thing about the Third Secret from this and from other tidbits scattered across the interweb is that because of the corruption of the church from within, Catholics everywhere are losing their faith. Some guy alluded to the loss of faith of a continent being worse than a ton of people being annihilated or something like that. This whole notion of people falling away from churchy things is really kind of a duh nowadays though, and not just in the Catholic realm.

Hold that thought while I mention the Malachy thing. Another long story short (did you get some snacks?), some guy allegedly called a dragon to weave a mist, no, wait. So this other guy wrote some buzzwords for all the popes who’d pope over the next few hundred years, and in some cases they’ve been eerily matchy-matchy (especially with JPII). We’re at the end of the list, and some Catholics are all, “this is the end!” while other Catholics are all, “there could be any number of popes between the current Doctor and his last incarnation, and the number could be totally different now since River Song used the rest of hers to bring Eleven back”…. oh wait, uh…. Well, some say there could be a gap between the next to last pope on Malachy’s list and the for reals last pope. Whatevs. There's been recent talk about it again, anyway.

Although I’m fascinated by prophecies and would love to be the Oracle of Delphi for Hallowe’en someday (someone get me the funny gases for authenticity, or maybe just some absinthe), my opinion of them is best stated by Londo Mollari (Babylon 5, "The Very Long Night of Londo Mollari"):

“Prophecy is a guess that comes true. When it doesn't, it's a metaphor. You could put a gun to your head tomorrow and pull the trigger, and then the dream is just a dream and the prophecy is just a metaphor… and so are you."

With the freshness of the Mayan non-apocalypse of 2012 in mind, and the buzzwords of end times and penitence and all that jazz, and with the power plays of the bishops and Vatican and Third Secret in mind, you know what? Ratzi is right.

Seriously. You heard me. Ratzi is right. And one (like me) doesn’t have to like him in the least to see that, with the concern about sensationalism. The whole thing with atheism as an evil taking over the world though… yeah, that’s not. It’s just life happening. Nothing to see here. Move along. Of course abusers molesting children is sensationalist. Of course people who have had faith are losing it. These things are connected in some cases, but in many many many other cases, atheism is just the natural evolution of seeing what religion is supposed to do and epically failing at it. I have friends who were devout Christians in a past life but have dropped at least some of their beliefs because of the power of education. Some still minister in churchy ways because they genuinely want to help others still, especially with when deconstruction of faith happens, and more power to them. That’s a tough path to go on.

See, in my opinion (which is considered a bona fide fact by many), religion is supposed to be like training wheels. You learn the basics, then ride however you want, AFTER you learn the consequences of what might happen if you’re not responsible with protecting yourself. At that point, you’re supposed to learn on your own about what’s best for you. Organized religion is nothing more than “How to be a Good Human 101, now with character stories!” It’s like, you know how those 613 laws in the Old Testament are still followed by some Jews but are not followed by Christians living a New Testament life? What works for some doesn’t work for others. Some people need more structure than others in order to live a good, decent, human life, with continual learning on how to best interact with fellow humans. Some people live best in a comfort zone of a tight-knit supportive community that doesn’t get shaken up by new ideas, and as long as they’re not hurting anyone, more power to them too.

The kicker is, there are a LOT of people who hide behind religion and use it as a shield to cover up whatever crap they know they’re doing. You know, like ultra-religious conservative politicians who want to legislate body parts of others without even having any real education on how said parts work, or even having said parts, because that’s what Jeeeeesus would want. Like well-meaning people who are complete bigots and racists because they don’t know any better, because they were taught a certain way and are unable and/or unwilling to think for themselves and evolve. Like those who refuse to see things like gay marriage as a civil rights issue completely outside of any religious context.

The real kicker is, most atheists are way more ethical, generous, and better people than a lot of people involved with religion. I’m not saying that everyone in a faith system is doing it wrong. Far from it. I’m just saying that religion is just one way to learn how to be a good person. Some people don’t need the threat of anything divine in order to be a good person. That’s just how it is. There are also assholes in every group, and that goes for atheist circles as well as Christian circles, but thankfully there are many more good people than asses.

So. To recap, or something, since I’m still rambling: Sensationalism with loss of faith is really nothing big these days. In the early twentieth century, yeah, that would be a huge deal, but not now. Damn hippies in the 60s, right? *smirk* Loss of faith a natural thing that happens to a lot of people who grew up with serious church attending and holy book reading and giving of money and all that. The more one learns about a faith, and about other faiths, and about non-faiths, the more it’s obvious that religion is mainly used to keep a segment of people under some sort of control. Analogies of ALMIGHTY GAWWWWWD and the Tooth Fairy and Santa are totally right on, and one doesn’t have to like it in the least for it to be true. And it’s definitely true.

Pantheist me still finds wonder and mystery and a sense of divinity in nature and in science, in how we humans connect with each other across time and space, and in how we interact and continue to grow during life. Evolution is natural. It’d just be nice for the science to catch up more with some of the seemingly paranormal stuff, like intuition. Humans have way more than 5 senses (some say we have like 21 or so), and there’s no reason we need to keep limiting ourselves just because some people insist on outdated information. Living with outdated information is like adults still participating as a child would in children’s church, and it’s completely unnecessary and sometimes dangerous. Someone might try to take advantage of you, knowing that you like living in cushy touchy feely certainties (that aren’t really certainties, but who’s going to tell you that? Nobody, that’s who).

Evolve, if you already aren't. You'll thank yourself for it later.

An Exercise in Passive-Aggressive Speaking

I learned a long time ago that blowing up at someone over frustrations not only with that person but with others in past similar relationships is not a good thing to do. Particularly when said person emails back a response explaining a few areas where you are wrong. And then you burn that response (with literal fire) and kick yourself for about a decade for doing so because reading those words would've saved a lot of grief over said decade. But I digress.

Instead of blowing up at one of my homies over being the latest of a few friends who've defriended me on Facebook over the years without any hint as to why, I just have a few words to mumble out into the ethers. I figured I'd spew forth said verbage as an exercise in passive aggressive speaking because passive aggressive people are so incredibly joyous to speak with that I've been making it an art form for far too long. I'd like to try to get into that mindset so I can understand those f'd up people a bit more, so here goes:

What the hell kind of crack are you smoking, son? Did you get a bad batch?

I realize you probably took something I said the wrong way, right after I specifically said, "Now don't take this the wrong way," but dude, unfriending? When it's realllllly easy to not-quite-block-but-limit-posts-of-someone from your newsfeed with settings? When Graph Search doesn't even track status anything or other seemingly important this and thats? That's just lazy, man. Damn sloppy.

Of course, maybe it's not from anything to do with that. Maybe it's from something someone else said about me, that I can only assume happened/isn't true, because I'd also assume we were on such a cool level that you'd point blank ask me about the what the hell, and then I'd find out that I was wrong about that. This isn't my first rodeo, and of course those people weren't as cool as you are, but dude, if so, what the hell?

Oh wait. You're a pod person who forgot to reprogram your new self to remember me. Got it. I'll send you the good crack for your next birthday.

Oh, wait, is that it? Feeling any sort of obligation about gifting or carding that doesn't exist to me? You know I have a habit of buying things for gifting, just whenever, and I apologize for carting over a bagful to you but I've been dealing with some pesky health issues for a few years and just haven't caught up with catching up with life so please excuse my horrible tardiness. Or not. But really, if you think you have to get me anything for any reason, you're sadly mistaken. I would have thought you would have known me better than that, with my insistence that gifts should be actual true gifts, without expectation of reciprocation at all. Geez, I hope that's not it... but if it is, huh. Weird.

I figured I'd mention these thoughts just to get them out of my system, because I've been over holding toxic grudges or mistaken feelings for a long time. It doesn't really matter to me if you hear about this or read it or not, really, and I do have better things to do, like photo editing, but I feel like ass from amoxicillin so I'm unable to sleep, so naturally I'm up wondering I can do to help myself feel better. This isn't much... hell, it's nothing, really, but it's something, and it could be useful for getting back to my natural zen self, and grasshopper, you know I talk way too much about anything sometimes because I'm all about educating people. I have a degree for that and everything! Plus I don't blog as much as I'd like to, so hey, multitasking for awesomeness shiny life groove! Pants! Farts! Fire!

Besides, I respect you enough to leave you alone if you want to be left alone, and besides, it'd be kinda awkward asking about how you're doing indirectlyish, like asking my spouse to ask you what's up, or asking your spouse what's up with you, both via Facebook. Especially when we've been acquainted with each other since like 1986 or 1987 or thereabouts. Heh, even the ex-spouse and I are on good speaking terms, and not like we speak to each other any more than you and I have for forever, but still. Hey, remember that one time when I was going through that divorce, and you and I went to the mall with his then-not-yet-wife's baby, and we three looked like a happy family but were not related to each other in the least? Yeah, good times. Yeah.

So anyways, hi. Or not. Whatevs. It's been real, whatever way.

And damn. I realize that I've been way too specific in speaking my mind here still, and so I have a long way to go before I can ever master passive aggressive vagueness. Damn! I thought I was so close! Utter fail!

And there's something else I was going to mention, but of course I can't remember what it is. I'm blaming the amoxicillin. I never had a problem with it all those zillions of times I took it for sinus issues while growing up, and I'm surprised I actually got a prescription for it but I guess that's due to the bad reactions with macrolide antibiotics and doxycycline and Keflex... sigh. I hate being puky.

Oh - that was it - I've been wondering about these things for three or four weeks now, and am just now verbalizing these things externally. Normally I'd just wait a few days and then see what's up, but I've been awfully detached about that. The new eightfold software integration must have gone well. Beep beep bloop honk.

Decisions, Decisions.

I make the best boob cake. For reals.
Just ask my husband.

One of my goals for 2013 is to finish (or at least have at least 70% done by when I turn 40 later this year) writing about my personal experiences with triple negative breast cancer. I figure that although I hate puky pink breast cancer awareness month (because we have way too much awareness and not enough action), marketing a book or two or at least some freelance articles for boob cancer month might be nice, since it'll be my 10 year anniversary in November and I'd love to fund a fun party with homemade boob cake for lots of friends. Seriously.

(FYI - boob cake is best when it's red velvet with whipped buttercream icing. Also, it's fun to see the expression on the faces of people during the eating process.)

Naturally, I've been going back and forth for years about how to best get everything down. I know that I want to make it relatable for patients, caregivers, and families with easy-to-understand medical jargon. I also want to make it clinical enough to educate medical professionals and researchers from a patient's point of view. I originally thought that I'd just publish the blog I wrote for a few years through everything, but then I thought about publishing more of a narrative story kinda chickeny soupy like, and then I thought doing both at once could bring in more fundage and move me to New Mexico more quickly.

Long story short, I have a better grasp of what I want to include (stuff like autoimmune crap and prescription roulette and caregiver burnout and worries about income and employment along with surprise breast cancer at age 30), but I'd love to get some feedback about the styling. I've asked this already, years ago, but I'm asking again since I know lots more people now, I'm back to indecision, and I want to use my time this year as effectively as possible.

So:

Narrative, Blog (edit: without so many exclamation marks and with lots more cutting to a decent size), or Both?

Examples below. Tell me via comment for this entry on my Facebook page (facebook.com/lindasbecker). Thanks in advance.

NARRATIVE:

July 2004 saw me getting back into a semi-normal life routine of never-ending visits to physicians. Dr. Onco (my oncologist) thrilled me by being so excited about my hair growing back! There wasn't much, but I definitely had an externally fuzzy head. The internal thought fuzziness still lingered but at least I got cuter.

He again suggested that I look into genetic counseling, since the BRCA 1 and BRCA 2 genes are often found in people who have the type of cancer I had, and I promised that I would look into it. I also decided to look up the gynecologist who did my laparoscopy in 1998 as Dr. Onco thought my increasing pelvic pain was likely due to endometriosis acting up again. I really didn't want to deal with it and I wish I could've stayed in faux menopause, but there was no way I'd go through chemo again just for that sweet relief.

My visit to Dr. Gyno frustrated me so much that I fired him (without telling him so). The options he gave me were to do hormones (nixed due to the breast cancer), get pregnant (no way in hell), or have another surgery, and so the approach was to wait and see. I liked Dr. Gyno and I understood his perspective since nothing abnormal showed up on any of the tests he did, but at the time I wanted good options and I wanted them right then. I did not want to wait until September for a reevaluation. Having pain in the exact same spot for seven years got more than frustrating every so often, and the visit was on one of those days.

You know what really sucked most of all? Getting the pelvic exam done by a guy gynecologist. Sorry but not having the same parts as the parts being examined makes a significant difference in post-procedure ouchiness.

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Tuesday, July 13, 2004 | 7:05 PM

Good news – I saw my oncologist yesterday and not only was he very happy that my hair is coming in super-duper fast (!), but both the CT scan and MRI were clear! He did poke and prod me though, and after all was said and done, he feels that my pelvic pain is the endometriosis still, which seems the most likely explanation but would be odd since I’m still in menopause, and endo is supposed to go away at menopause. Since the pain has varied from day to day, week to week, and has felt different (from sharp and stabbing to cramping to dull and toothachy, and back, etc.), he reminded me that my hormones and body chemistry are still out of whack from the chemo, and suggested that I get checked out by a gyno soon since I didn’t need to be in this sort of pain. I’m probably going to look up the gyno who did my endo surgery some years ago, as he’d have my records from then anyway. Perhaps it’s just adhesions everywhere. He also suggested genetic counseling again (to see my risk of ovarian cancer since it’s related to breast cancer), so I need to find that paperwork and get that done.

Otherwise, things are good. I still have sharp shooting pains where the tumor was, I’m peeling where the radiation has tanned me, and the skin is kinda itchy there but it’s not terribly bad. I see my oncologist again in four months, and he also said yesterday that I might start to start feeling better energy-wise in six months!

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Monday, July 19, 2004 | 6:42 PM

This morning I saw the gyno who did my laparoscopy in 1998. After the usual "well woman" tests and a sonogram, I found that I don't have any cysts or anything, my ovaries and the rest of my junk looks normal, and I could still have endo or maybe not - it's too fine to show up on the sonogram. The current advice, again, is to "wait and see." This doesn't sit well with me, as I've had this pelvic pain in the exact same damn location for, oh, *looks at watch* SEVEN YEARS NOW. Dammit.

I have three treatment choices to choose from. One - hormones. They took me off the pill due to the breast cancer, so scratch that. Two - pregnancy. Yeah, right. This doc knows that we're not going to start a family intentionally, so that's out too. (Besides, he told me in 1998 that I should try to get preggers within a year or two, as I may not be able to in five, and it's past five years now.) Three - surgery. He's not keen on another surgery, but we'll reevaluate in late September. Grrmph.

I'm also looking into any other possible explanation for the pelvic pain, since I haven't menstruated since January. A hernia? Osteitis? I don't know!!!! I do apparently have a yeast infection, although I'm not experiencing any burning or itching, so I have a week of treatment with plungery stuff. I'm thinking that it might be due to either the spermicide, the antibiotics I took recently, or maybe an increased cereal intake (candida supposedly thrives on breads, so maybe grains too?). At any rate, that's just one more thing I didn't need to deal with.

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Tuesday, July 27, 2004 | 5:29 PM

The pelvic pain has seemed to have gotten better lately, which I'm thankful for. I was *really* hurting the day after the recent exam, probably because a guy gyno did everything (no offense but you guys don't have the mechanics we do, especially down there). Everything turned out well overall, and my overall skin exam with another new doctor (dermatologist) went fine too! I just have benign stuff going on there - on my statement I've been given three different codes under "diagnosis" for 1) angiokeratoma, nevus site unsp., 2) hemangioma and 3) dermatoheliosis. The aged skin I apparently have isn't from laying out in the sun, so I think it's probably from the floreluminescenty lighting at all of my workplaces over the years. Crap. At least I still look like I'm questionably 21, since I got CARDED last Wednesday!

What's funny is that my radiologist goes to the same dermatologist I'm now going to. I see him in the morning for a checkup, and I'm sure that'll go smoothly. The affected boob is doing just fine although my nice tan from the radiation is going away. I'm still feeling some shooting pains there from time to time, where the tumor was, but it's nothing a Darvocet can't handle.

My hair is growing back still and is now long enough for me to have bedhead! I'm also now published, kinda - Planet Cancer posted my breast cancer haiku on their insights page. Nifty!

Priorities

I've been in a brooding funk for the last few days. It's kinda like when I get into a severely depressive funk, except instead of feeling absolutely immobile from sadness, I've been feeling pensive. Broody. Funky in a broody way. But this year, I'm looking around me and realizing a little more how things are just fucked up.

During the bottom of each year, I usually think about death and dying. It's a seasonal thing. However, instead of pining for relatives and friends who have been long gone (or short gone), I think about the living and how I wish some of them would just die so I can talk with them all the time in that whole communion of saints thing. Then I think that's awfully selfish of me, because if they're not talking with me now, why would they want to talk with me then?, but then I know some of them aren't able to because of physical infirmities, not because they don't want to but because they can't, and then I feel a little better (though a bit self-directed, which I'm more okay with as years pass but I think I'm worrying about appearing selfish instead of continuing to be self-involved or self-conscious or reflectivey or whatever. Woo, tangent).

So the latest mass casualty event from some nut shooting off ammo has resulted in tons more people spouting out about how laws need to change, how gun control needs to be enforced, blah blah blah. It's the same old shit over and over. People go apeshit and stockpile guns and equipment as if they're going to be outlawed, which is not going to happen ever, and I think some kind of horrific record has been set with the amounts purchased. Three and a half years of ammo purchased in three days. What. The. Fuck. Seriously, setting the bar this high is going to result in even more fucked-up-ness next time (and there's always a next time because people are more interested in talking than doing - I'm looking at you, Congress). Priorities really need to change soon, in the focusing-on-helping-other-people beneficial kind of way, with this.

Priorities about money are confusing me right now though. From reading about how people have to worry about credit score while dating to learning about tights that are as good as (if not better than) pantyhose to contemplating why I spend around $800 on pantyhose each year, I'm feeling a little bewildered. I didn't realize pantyhose was "out" although I know plenty of people who hate wearing it and favor wearing flip-flops everywhere. (Oh shit, are flip-flops out yet?)

Unless I'm wearing jeans at work, I wear pantyhose because of several reasons. I'm used to it being mandatory at the office environments I find myself in, for starters. I also like feeling all properly dressed and finished and all professional. I take myself more seriously in hose, anyway, and I know that my self-confidence is boosted when I wear it (and this definitely helps with my being 5'2" and trying to relate professionally to tall people). The mild compression (Sheer Energy represent!) helps me to not worry about having a DVT while stuck at a desk, since I take non-stop birth control pills for the endometriosis, plus the leg support is nice.

Granted, I spend less than $800 on hose because each pair lasts an average of two to four wearings (I'm careful plus am no stranger to using clear nail polish to stop small runs). Whatever I end up not spending on hose due to frugality goes towards insanely awesome apples (Ambrosia represent!), so it's all good, but now I'm wondering how I must sound to my friends on Facebook who don't know me very well.

(Not like I care what people think of me, because I don't, but I'm trying to get into the habit of seeing how I may be perceived by other people. You know, for when I become famous.)

I know as a society, with the crappy economy (and credit score asking now? Really?!?) and slowish recovery, it's considered bad form to brag about being able to afford groceries, or something. Can we like, be happy about having a good job and affording things, at all yet? I may spend a ton of money on pantyhose,  and I can afford to have a car payment for the next (zillion) years, but I do cut back elsewhere. Hell, I cut back elsewhere so I can afford to give money to people in need, when I'm able. Sure I don't have the latest greatest iWidget or Droidy-whatever, and what I have tends to not work well way too much of the time, but what I have makes me happy enough to want to spend my money elsewhere, on other things that make me happy and/or healthy. Like Ambrosia apples. Like Active Release Techniques (tm) for my continually wonky ribs and ankle. Like too many appointments with specialists and nutritional supplements and medications to help me have a decent quality of life instead of being stuck in bed and only able to work not as much as before, continually worried about the next round of disability denial while unemployed. That was me last year, but this year I'm working full time again (for the first time in five years, huzzah!) and able to afford the medical care I need, and able to afford the pantyhose that help me kick ass at what I do. Can I celebrate that out loud yet instead of worrying about offending anyone with my happiness? I still can't afford things that a lot of people have, that make them happy (vacations... hell, even long weekends away from normal life), but that's because my priorities are different. I'm happy with not traveling and seeing the world as often since I am ensuring I have a good quality of life... okay, I could be way happier about that. By a lot. But that's okay. I can deal.

Priorities are different for everyone. Mine are kinda not the same as most people's priorities, I think, but that's okay. Unless most people are expecting to be in a firefight with a well-organized militia, and sorry but I can't help with that. I'm not sure where I was going with all of this except to say I really don't like being in a broody funk because I think way too much. I also don't like not having the energy I remember having a few months ago, when it was warmer and I was bitching about being too hot, because now it's cold and I love the cold but my body is not having a fun time moving with it cold out. I do like these vegetables I'm having for dinner though - I like oven-roasting vegetables with coriander and curry and olive oil, but tonight I found some three-week-old snow peas in the fridge (still good for the most part!) so oven-roasted those with broccoli and red onion in a little bit of thickish teriyaki glaze instead of olive oil because I'm a fucking genius. These veggies are *outstandingly good*.

*sigh*

I feel weird. I've been trying to not get caught up in the national horrified pause with hushed discussions about gun control and mental health post-Sandy Hook. I'd been doing a good job of it, too, until I read the transcript of the speech that cut into Bob's Burgers yesterday. (Hubby and I just turned off the TV when the show was paused. Yay for future reruns.) I misted up a bit, then felt awkward.

See, I've known since I was 20 that I don't want to have children. Why? (Damn, I wish I knew where my list of reasons was. That'd save me a lot of braining right now.) Among other smaller reasons lost in the fibro fog:

1 - I have a frightening amount of health issues that I would not wish on anyone else, and imho, to intentionally create a human with potential to have said issues is just horribly irresponsible. It's not just that there are a lot of issues - it's a lot of interconnected small issues with the bigger issues. Sure, I kicked the ass of triple negative breast cancer, but the treatment for that was a bit harsh on my system, and I'd already been dealing with endometriosis, fibromyalgia, and familial hypertension before that. Since then, with the Primary Sjogren's Syndrome and related occasional gastritis and mild gastroparesis, and the never-ending prescription roulette and dosage adjustment carousel, things kinda suck more. The long-standing genetic depression doesn't help, either. No way I'd intentionally inflict all of this on my own child/ren.

2 - You know that expression about how having a child is like having your heart walking around outside of your body? I would so suck with that. I would very much spectacularly epically fail with that. I would have to be committed long term if anything happened to my offspring. I can see myself totally cracking and having a complete breakdown. This is mostly why I've been avoiding as much as possible a lot of news about the aftermath of the shootings - sometimes having a sensitive heart really fucking sucks. Yes, I'm using caregiver-type coping skills and talking with people privately about related topics, but if I stop to really think about it for more than two minutes I'd just stop crying in about 3 days. Focusing on promoting needed changes in productive dialogue re: mental health and gun control is a much better use of my energy. I'll grieve with the collective another day.

3 - I would also be a horrible parent, with micromanaging due to overworrying. I'm afraid I would end up being one of those stage mothers that embarrasses their kids through smothering thick gooey love, and That Is Not Okay. That Is Not Okay At All. I also would be a horrible parent with not having the energy to care for a child. I can barely manage to take care of myself some days, even with a TON of awesome medications and nutritional supplements and an Extremely Helpful Husband. You parents who have to deal with autoimmune/chronic illnesses while raising children get 5 standing ovations and a bouquet of boxes of chocolate and vodka from me. Those of you who desperately want children but are unable to have any of your own get those plus extra gentle hugs from me. I know that sure, adoption is doable in most cases, and I am totally all for adoption!, but I also know it wouldn't be the same as having your own heart walking around outside of your body, and hopefully combined with the heart of someone you love on top of that.

Hubby likewise doesn't want children, and we wouldn't be married to each other if either of us had wanted children. He'd rather have the money, as would I, which is part of why I feel weird, but the decision to have and raise a child is more than that and is a way huge deal. Too many non-fit parents are out there; knowing that I would likely be one on top of passing down the health crap makes me feel that *not* having kids is my responsibility. I'm happy to interact with children of all ages (I have a degree in PK-12 vocal music education after all!) but I'm very relieved and glad that I don't have any of my own to care for. I'd do much better with critters anyway. It'd be ideal to have a Samoyed or Chocolate Lab or a Nebelung or an iguana or bearded dragons or guinea pigs or a chinchilla or combination of critters, knowing I wouldn't hurt as much if something terrible happened. I was a mess when my chinchilla died and I still miss my Nebelung but it's all good because I never had to deal with caring for part of me outside of me. I don't think I would ever get over any of that, over the joy and wonder and heartbreak and worry and worry and much more worry and micromanaging and laughter and sunshine and tears.... it's too much for me to handle, and I'm not ashamed to say so. I don't consider myself weak at all - it's just not in my programming. Some people are wired this way. And now I'm rambling.

I could ramble on about the mental health and gun control issues, but I won't. Suffice it to say that there should be way more education and yearly maintenance of gun permit/licensure requirements, and that there should not be a stigma about getting needed help for mental health. Health is health. Education can prevent loss of life. These are not difficult concepts to put into livable reality.

To those of you with children, treat them very well. Love them like you love yourself. Love yourself like you love them. You never know when they might be gone forever. You never know when you'll be gone forever. Both of my parents have been deceased for years (just over 24 for mom and almost 7 for dad), and thinking about how they would be living and reacting now if they were alive is such a trip. I can see parts of both of them in myself, and I'm so thankful that they helped to shape me into who I've become so far, but a part of me is extra appreciative of the sacrifices they made to make sure that I had a nice experience with growing up. All children should have a good experience with life. We need to make sure that adult children get the care they need and also understand how important some responsibilities are.

"My wedding ring is off. Woo hoo!!" and other recent thoughts

Don't panic - I'm still married to the same guy (and if all goes well I will be getting something very shiny on our 11th wedding anniversary next weekend....unless I cave in and go before then for a test drive and the car dude I've been emailing with for two months smooth talks me into getting what I want to get that day but I'mma be so busy I don't know, and this weekend we're busy when they're open and they're closed when we're not and I'd rather have hubby there for "guy presence" in case the dealership guys try to take advantage of my fragile womanity... woo, tangent).

See, the Weight Watchers thing has been going fairly well, and after 120 days I've been plateauing at the 16 pounds lost mark. The last few weeks have been like .6 pounds down, .2 pounds down, 1 pound up, .6 pounds down, but I was sick one week and overcompensated last weekend due to having an appetite again, but I'm trending back down so hooray there. I've lost an inch off my belly, 3 inches off my hips, 1.25 inches off my thighs, 1/2 inch off my chest, a cup size off my boobs, 1/4 inch off my neck, and NOTHING off my arms. GRR STABBY with the arms but overall, not too shabby.

So yeah, the other night I was able to remove my wedding ring for the first time in 3 years, and I was pretty thrilled about it. I thoroughly cleaned it and noted that the inscription I got on the inside about 3 1/2 years ago was totally different than the one I thought I'd gotten (I didn't match hubby's inner inscription at all and I thought I did - whoops). Naturally, I put it back on after 5 minutes because the last time this happened, my fingers swelled up again, and sure enough, I can't get it off now, no matter how much I try to shrink my fingers with icy coldness. It's nice to know that the body is rearranging the real estate here and there, anyway.

In other news, I need to catch up with a lot of things, and I've been pondering about several things recently....being a different person over time, why rules exist, and how I'm going to branch out the brand of me. Branching out is pretty much figured out - one branch for health and wellness things, one branch for ottery things, one branch for writing things, one branch for photography things, and one branch for my general weirdness. I want to do some pretty expansive things in each of these areas, and I have a road map for where I want to go in each place. Laying down foundational groundwork has been taking up a lot of my energy the last few years, but I'm about at the point where I'm ready to cement all the bricks and cobblestones together and get to building up already. It feels like birthing a whole family at once.

Thinking about how people evolve over time has been intriguing me lately. Tonight hubby and I went to the place I worked at a year ago (he had an artist meeting for this neat commission he's doing), and thinking about how different life was and I was a year ago made me smile. I felt like crap from the Sjogren's, fibro, endo, not working, and being frustrated with the SSDI application process, and I was so grateful to get a church gig filing music and helping with orchestra books for 5 hours a week. Now, I've been able to work at least 40 hours a week since February/March (when I started on Deplin and Savella), I feel much better with the current twice-a-day drug parties (with the current prescription meds and supplements), and I haven't bothered to worry about disability since being able to work again (btw getting lots of health records for the third application round after being denied twice was pretty amazeballs).

Recently I thought about the notion that each cell in a person's body replenishes at such a rate that we all have a new body every 7 years, and thinking back to where I was 7, 14, and 21 years ago really wowed me, with noting aspects of my personality that have changed and aspects that have stayed the same and deepened. 21 years ago I was a freshman in college.14 years ago I was going from a broken engagement to another relationship. 7 years ago I went from the field of Catholic liturgy into the field of hospital-related disaster preparedness. Everything that I've been has been burbling and simmering into a lovely stew of sorts, and I feel almost congealed enough to be put in a mold and cool and set like flan. Except instead of being flan, I'd be building on all the foundations I've laid along the different branches of my life path. (Also, I would eat the shit out of the flan before it fully set. I'm just sayin'.)

The rules thing has been turning over in my brain for the last few days. Hubby said that rules are for when there are problems. He thinks I have a problem with being on the computer a lot. I have made it known on Facebook that I have a Sims 3 addiction, but I'm not so addicted that I'm playing 24/7 and forgetting to be hygenic and losing my job. I instituted a rule for myself that I won't play start playing Sims 3 after 10pm on a school night because I will lose track of time while playing and it'll be 2am before I know it. (Had to put in that clarification because this only applies to starting to play, not actually playing past 10. I was trying to hurry while writing this.) I usually don't get tired until about 1:15 am anyway but I'm like that whether I play Sims or not, so really, not a solely Sims-related problem, and I haven't broken the rule at all. Thing is, with being an introvert, I require more alone time than most people to replenish my energy (hubby's even more of an introvert so he gets that), and with having plenty of chronic autoimmune crap to deal with after I get done being distracted from how I feel with the mindbogglingly amazing days I have at work, I require even more down time than before, so hey, I tend to do what I'm doing for a good long while, and it happens to be computery things, whether Sims or photography stuff or reading online or Facebooking. Wow that was a long sentence.

He has a rule of "no Oreos in the house" because he will eat them all and then throw them up. That is a rule because of a problem. I maintain that rules can exist without necessarily having a problem attached. Like, there are road rules for people because established standards of how to do things is important. Yes some people have problems associated with driving, but that's not why the rules exist. The rules exist for safety more than they exist for problems. (Well, that's how it seems to be to me, anyway.) Weight Watchers has the Points Plus system for people who have a problem with food, BUT it can also be seen as a lifestyle change by people of any weight, so it's really the same as adopting new established standards for safety (health) reasons. Am I bullshitting myself with thinking this way? I'm not sure. I'm food enabled (breakfast and steak and chocolate and Chinese and Mediterranean especially), but I make better choices now and the effect is pleasing me and making me healthier. I also know musicians who know the rules of music theory and proceed to break them to... still... create music. A former occasional coworker of mine taught me to "know the rules, use the rules" and that's served me well a lot of times. So rules... are problems necessary to have them? I don't think so, but that's just, like my opinion, maaan.

Ishri Devi with her pregnant unicorn Shanti.
I love this game.

Ooh, it'll be 10pm soon. Off to the land of Appaloosa Plains, where the Sim I'm currently playing with (an incarnation of Lakshmi) is expecting one of her unicorns to foal any minute now. The foal may or may not be a unicorn as the father is a regular horse, but I'll see soon enough.

UPDATE - I know the  adage of "rules are made to be broken" is held by some people. Breaking rules usually results in non-pleasant consequences. I am totally okay with breaking SOME rules if the consequences are such that I can deal. Like, uh, starting to play Sims 3 at 10:03 last night, breaking my rule for the first time, knowing the consequence would be me starting my next day with a lack of sleep. Sure enough...but I'll deal. Because I'm a big girl. And I know better. :) Also, the foal was a unicorn, and since I'm going to be picky with breeding for this game, the unicorn foal went back to the wild (disappearing from the game forever). I have one Sim with 4 horsey creatures and only 6 beings are allowed in the household, so it's breed until I get a foal that I like, then put one regular horsey parent up for adoption so I can breed another foal, etc. So now I've put one up for adoption, adopted a different horse, and will be playing with breeding next time too. But as Carl says, "It don't matter. None of this matters."