"My wedding ring is off. Woo hoo!!" and other recent thoughts

Don't panic - I'm still married to the same guy (and if all goes well I will be getting something very shiny on our 11th wedding anniversary next weekend....unless I cave in and go before then for a test drive and the car dude I've been emailing with for two months smooth talks me into getting what I want to get that day but I'mma be so busy I don't know, and this weekend we're busy when they're open and they're closed when we're not and I'd rather have hubby there for "guy presence" in case the dealership guys try to take advantage of my fragile womanity... woo, tangent).

See, the Weight Watchers thing has been going fairly well, and after 120 days I've been plateauing at the 16 pounds lost mark. The last few weeks have been like .6 pounds down, .2 pounds down, 1 pound up, .6 pounds down, but I was sick one week and overcompensated last weekend due to having an appetite again, but I'm trending back down so hooray there. I've lost an inch off my belly, 3 inches off my hips, 1.25 inches off my thighs, 1/2 inch off my chest, a cup size off my boobs, 1/4 inch off my neck, and NOTHING off my arms. GRR STABBY with the arms but overall, not too shabby.

So yeah, the other night I was able to remove my wedding ring for the first time in 3 years, and I was pretty thrilled about it. I thoroughly cleaned it and noted that the inscription I got on the inside about 3 1/2 years ago was totally different than the one I thought I'd gotten (I didn't match hubby's inner inscription at all and I thought I did - whoops). Naturally, I put it back on after 5 minutes because the last time this happened, my fingers swelled up again, and sure enough, I can't get it off now, no matter how much I try to shrink my fingers with icy coldness. It's nice to know that the body is rearranging the real estate here and there, anyway.

In other news, I need to catch up with a lot of things, and I've been pondering about several things recently....being a different person over time, why rules exist, and how I'm going to branch out the brand of me. Branching out is pretty much figured out - one branch for health and wellness things, one branch for ottery things, one branch for writing things, one branch for photography things, and one branch for my general weirdness. I want to do some pretty expansive things in each of these areas, and I have a road map for where I want to go in each place. Laying down foundational groundwork has been taking up a lot of my energy the last few years, but I'm about at the point where I'm ready to cement all the bricks and cobblestones together and get to building up already. It feels like birthing a whole family at once.

Thinking about how people evolve over time has been intriguing me lately. Tonight hubby and I went to the place I worked at a year ago (he had an artist meeting for this neat commission he's doing), and thinking about how different life was and I was a year ago made me smile. I felt like crap from the Sjogren's, fibro, endo, not working, and being frustrated with the SSDI application process, and I was so grateful to get a church gig filing music and helping with orchestra books for 5 hours a week. Now, I've been able to work at least 40 hours a week since February/March (when I started on Deplin and Savella), I feel much better with the current twice-a-day drug parties (with the current prescription meds and supplements), and I haven't bothered to worry about disability since being able to work again (btw getting lots of health records for the third application round after being denied twice was pretty amazeballs).

Recently I thought about the notion that each cell in a person's body replenishes at such a rate that we all have a new body every 7 years, and thinking back to where I was 7, 14, and 21 years ago really wowed me, with noting aspects of my personality that have changed and aspects that have stayed the same and deepened. 21 years ago I was a freshman in college.14 years ago I was going from a broken engagement to another relationship. 7 years ago I went from the field of Catholic liturgy into the field of hospital-related disaster preparedness. Everything that I've been has been burbling and simmering into a lovely stew of sorts, and I feel almost congealed enough to be put in a mold and cool and set like flan. Except instead of being flan, I'd be building on all the foundations I've laid along the different branches of my life path. (Also, I would eat the shit out of the flan before it fully set. I'm just sayin'.)

The rules thing has been turning over in my brain for the last few days. Hubby said that rules are for when there are problems. He thinks I have a problem with being on the computer a lot. I have made it known on Facebook that I have a Sims 3 addiction, but I'm not so addicted that I'm playing 24/7 and forgetting to be hygenic and losing my job. I instituted a rule for myself that I won't play start playing Sims 3 after 10pm on a school night because I will lose track of time while playing and it'll be 2am before I know it. (Had to put in that clarification because this only applies to starting to play, not actually playing past 10. I was trying to hurry while writing this.) I usually don't get tired until about 1:15 am anyway but I'm like that whether I play Sims or not, so really, not a solely Sims-related problem, and I haven't broken the rule at all. Thing is, with being an introvert, I require more alone time than most people to replenish my energy (hubby's even more of an introvert so he gets that), and with having plenty of chronic autoimmune crap to deal with after I get done being distracted from how I feel with the mindbogglingly amazing days I have at work, I require even more down time than before, so hey, I tend to do what I'm doing for a good long while, and it happens to be computery things, whether Sims or photography stuff or reading online or Facebooking. Wow that was a long sentence.

He has a rule of "no Oreos in the house" because he will eat them all and then throw them up. That is a rule because of a problem. I maintain that rules can exist without necessarily having a problem attached. Like, there are road rules for people because established standards of how to do things is important. Yes some people have problems associated with driving, but that's not why the rules exist. The rules exist for safety more than they exist for problems. (Well, that's how it seems to be to me, anyway.) Weight Watchers has the Points Plus system for people who have a problem with food, BUT it can also be seen as a lifestyle change by people of any weight, so it's really the same as adopting new established standards for safety (health) reasons. Am I bullshitting myself with thinking this way? I'm not sure. I'm food enabled (breakfast and steak and chocolate and Chinese and Mediterranean especially), but I make better choices now and the effect is pleasing me and making me healthier. I also know musicians who know the rules of music theory and proceed to break them to... still... create music. A former occasional coworker of mine taught me to "know the rules, use the rules" and that's served me well a lot of times. So rules... are problems necessary to have them? I don't think so, but that's just, like my opinion, maaan.

Ishri Devi with her pregnant unicorn Shanti.
I love this game.

Ooh, it'll be 10pm soon. Off to the land of Appaloosa Plains, where the Sim I'm currently playing with (an incarnation of Lakshmi) is expecting one of her unicorns to foal any minute now. The foal may or may not be a unicorn as the father is a regular horse, but I'll see soon enough.

UPDATE - I know the  adage of "rules are made to be broken" is held by some people. Breaking rules usually results in non-pleasant consequences. I am totally okay with breaking SOME rules if the consequences are such that I can deal. Like, uh, starting to play Sims 3 at 10:03 last night, breaking my rule for the first time, knowing the consequence would be me starting my next day with a lack of sleep. Sure enough...but I'll deal. Because I'm a big girl. And I know better. :) Also, the foal was a unicorn, and since I'm going to be picky with breeding for this game, the unicorn foal went back to the wild (disappearing from the game forever). I have one Sim with 4 horsey creatures and only 6 beings are allowed in the household, so it's breed until I get a foal that I like, then put one regular horsey parent up for adoption so I can breed another foal, etc. So now I've put one up for adoption, adopted a different horse, and will be playing with breeding next time too. But as Carl says, "It don't matter. None of this matters."

Disturbing.

The case of Lightning Medicine Cloud has been closed. Forensic evidence points to blackleg as cause of death, not ritual mutilation. This would make sense with how sudden the deaths were, and there is a blackleg vaccine for cattle, though it may or may not work for bison. More on this in a bit.

The spiritual implications are interesting, given that another white bison calf is alive and kicking in the northeastern United States. Peter Fay, the caretaker of Yellow Medicine Dancing Boy, is not a Native American and has only had his bison farm for 4 years. The caretaker of Lightning Medicine Cloud, Arby Little Soldier, is not only a Native but is a descendant of Sitting Buffalo Bull through one of Sitting Bull's stepsons, Henry Little Soldier (so no actual blood relationship; genealogy info near the bottom of that page). To me, these men seem like wonderful decisions by the universe / White Buffalo Calf Woman / Wakan Tanka, the divine, etc., because of the unity inherent in Mitakuye Oyasin. Hold that thought.

Although technically I'm more of a Zen Catholic than anything (hating the church politics but loving me some liturgy whenever I find myself at a Mass), I identify as a pantheist. Pantheism can mean many things to many different people, but my particular flavor involves seeing everything as part of the Divine, as God in a sense, learning more about itself by working in harmony with itself, with all of us as part of its mechanisms. It's kinda like how we learn more about ourselves over time. As we learn more about ourselves and our place in the multiverses, the Divine learns more about itself, which enables it to grow and develop. Mind you, I have this belief set in a scientific context. Along with this expanding universe, I see all other currently not observed dimensions and parallel 'verses that may or may not happen at a different rate of time as parts of the Divine. It's like a macrocosm/microcosm thing, like what we have in our own bodies. This may not be the best description, but it's like the Divine is the mind/soul/spirit of a person in its own personal universe (body), with our various non-solar but still systems (nervous, endocrine, etc.) sustaining various forms of life (what with tons of different types of bacteria, viruses, etc., plus the teenyature universes of what those are made of). Knowing that everything is a necessary part of everything and that we are all in this together is the essence of Mitakuye Oyasin to me.

There needs to be a lot more love and patience and tolerance and understanding on this planet, because we really are all in this together. Many more non-Natives are more conscious of this message thanks to Lightning Medicine Cloud. However, knowing the divisions among some Natives are as politically and spiritually charged as those of non-Natives makes me sad. The issue of including non-Natives in some Native things is seen by some Natives as a Bad Thing, but it's also a Non-Issue for others. There's the worry of how to protect one's heritage while embracing Mitakuye Oyasin, and there's the bewilderment of intentions and perceptions on all sides. (For example, Johnny Depp was adopted into the Comanche Nation due to his role as Tonto but other Natives are upset by details behind his portrayal of Tonto.) There's also the perpetual headache of arguing over who might have the most authentic spirituality within the tribes, when that shouldn't even be a problem. (Read about the sacred white buffalo pipe controversy sometime. Ai yah.)

Lightning Medicine Cloud and his mom, taken on the day
of his naming ceremony. This photo is protected by Digimarc
so feel free to use it as a Facebook cover photo if you like.

As a non-Native, seeing the accusations flying over Little Buff Buff's death is disheartening. Even more disturbing are the conclusions with the facts so far. Lakota Ranch is about an hour and a half from where I currently live so it's a little surreal to me that this is all local news. I was there at the naming ceremony last year. I saw and felt the excitement of everyone there, and the deep respect and pride of many Natives as they celebrated this marvelous rare occurrence together. Now... the whole thing is disturbing, especially with the Facebook page completely gone now. That *really* bothers me, especially with the wording in the latest press release (August 24, 2012). "The Lightning Medicine Cloud website will remain open for upcoming news and updates, however Facebook has never been a spiritual thing for them, and is therefore discontinued." So.... the Facebook page was more for them than for the many others who found community there? Hrrmph. Disturbing.

[UPDATE: I am really disturbed now - looking for cached info on the Facebook page, there's apparently been a lot of name calling and insulting going on. I could see shutting it down from that, but the wording would still mention that, I would think. Even if they didn't maintain the page, whoever was admining could've said something like, "We want to remain true to the message and we obviously still have a long way to go as evidenced by the comments on the page, and so we're shutting this down in honor and respect to LMC." Or something. I just saw a cached version of the page with a comment from someone mentioning that his post was deleted ... can't handle the truth... etc..... Sigh.]

I donated a small amount of money when I heard about the deaths but I didn't designate it specifically for the justice fund or for anything else. It was most certainly not a pledge (I have the PayPal receipt as a pdf), and it was most certainly intended to help with the care and feeding of the bison there. I'm at peace with having donated, though I feel a little agitated since I wouldn't have made the donation otherwise. It's all just sad but I do hope some good happens out of this whole mess, especially if the transportation of Chief Hiawatha is still on as LMC's case is now closed. Whatever the intentions of anyone, I'm going to keep this perspective ahead of all others: ""Maybe Lightning Medicine Cloud was sent to get everyone's attention, So Yellow Medicine Dancing Boy can deliver the rest of the message?"

R.I.P. Little Buff Buff, and thank you for your short life.

Let the dead rest in peace, dammit. Zombies suck.

I did not know typing my thoughts could make this happen.
(Silverlight has been crashing on me for the last 12,000 years
without fail, so this is definitely not from that. Sigh.)

You know when you think about contacting someone from your past because doing so would be very relevant to your very hopeful immediate future job, even though you haven't spoken in years and the other person likely hates you because of not understanding "friend trying to help you not screw up your life even worse" and you shouldn't have to explain that but then you do, and as soon as you finish typing your thoughts you see your computer screen turn green and pixellate, and it locks up so much that when it's restarted you get a notice that your overclocking failed so you have to go into the BIOS to fix things? Yeah, I hate it when that happens.

As I'm a pantheist (Zen Pantheist Skeptic more than anything else, even though I love me some Catholic liturgy), I think I'll take this as a subtle hint from the universe to keep not talking to him, even though this job I want would entail working closely with someone in a very similar way to how we'd worked together, and I want him to give me proper props like he said he'd do but I kinda want to make sure but now the making sure is not gonna happen because my computer is a bitch to begin with and I don't want to aggravate her further. Balls.

The universe tends to get my attention in a big way when I think about being a nice more-than-decent human being and shouldn't even bother, or when I want to do things I know I shouldn't do. I'm generally way too nice to people to begin with (like Bjork, I err on the side of generosity), but sometimes I get forced to pay attention to what I'm thinking about (or trying to not think about), and that's always interesting. 

The last time anything noticeable like this happened was about a year and a half ago, when I knew hubby and I should've just stayed at home in Dallas one weekend. However, there were exciting things going on, so I pushed myself to attend said exciting things even though I knew better and even with knowing I'd be extremely worn down afterward from having pushed myself in similar ways then-recently, but some of these things interested hubby so of course I wanted him to go too, so yeah, hot messes happened. 

We had a very (literally) crappy weekend out of state while doing a few college homecoming things and museuming as usual when in the area. It was nice to see some of my classmates after 15 years, and it was awesome seeing a kickass production of "Antigone" there, but it was not so nice to be surprised by a wrong way driver heading straight for us on a back road highway. (Yay for being able to get my swerve on while thinking about how incredibly awful I felt.) We should've stayed in our hotel room the first night instead of hitting the big shindig done by the school of music, since hubby's gut was agitated and mine was getting that way, but nooooo, I had to insist on going and had to get Imodium so all would be fairly well. I now know that this was wrong. He felt better the next day, when I missed out on museuming thanks to being in the bathroom for like an hour and a half in literal gut-wrenching agony. 

Naturally it occurred to me then that these things could've been avoided had we just stayed home (especially as the driving scare happened about 20 minutes before getting to said museum). There wasn't anything life-changing going on that we would've missed out on, aside from my really getting what the chorus of a Greek play should ideally be like, and aside from seeing a "Clerks" reference in context in real life, but even those things don't compare to the crap that happened.

The first thought that came to mind when seeing this:
"I'm not even supposed to be here today!!"
Well played, universe. Well played.

Of course, we could've just felt bad from food poisoning, but my gut would've exploded within 4-12 hours as usual instead of waiting 40 hours, so I kinda think not. Still, I continue to not buy chicken from Target, just in case we did have bad chicken the night before we left, even though I know this all was really a gentle prod from the universe to get me to take even better care of myself. Then again, it could be both. It really doesn't matter. None of this matters, except that I really hate when the universe course-corrects me in a big obvious-to-me way.

Okay, I'm really going to the arboretum soon. Today. Because I've been wanting to but changed my mind about it on Monday and yesterday. And because I don't want the universe to kick me anymore for not getting out to enjoy it like I should. (And I apologize if my reposting this a zillion times right now screws up your feed but the text is all fubar and it is driving me nuts, and yes, I know how that all sounds after what I just said. Balls.)