Turning 40

I'm turning 40. Forty. Four zero. This is happening in a few weeks. I did the maths the other day but screwed it up, so will just say whenever it's 5:13 PDT on the 29th, I'll officially celebrate my 40th year and start my 41st year. I am old.

I have a lot of thoughts about this, but will just mention a few of them because ain't nobody got time for rambling. I certainly have other plans anyway. (My Sims 3 addiction needs some nurturing.)

Salon has an article about my generation going through a midlife crisis here. I read it and was like, huh. I don't feel middle aged. I certainly don't look it since I keep getting carded. I think I may look like I'm up to 26 or 28 now, if I'm lucky. I'm pretty sure I'm not in a midlife crisis, although on account of the turning 40 thing, I am examining my life as lived so far and weighing it with things I'd still like to accomplish. Long story short, I've been through an awful lot, and the best is yet to come!

You can stop reading now if you want to skip the details of all of that. Just sayin' since we're all pressed for time all of the time. Seems like that, anyway.

The article mentions that us Gen Xers don't really hit a wall of midlife crisis - we have crises throughout. I guess I can see that, although I've had crises throughout my life so far, not just this allegedly middle part. Let's see.... bad stresses and good stresses would be:

- my mom died when I was barely 15
- I had my first broken engagement at 20
- got married at 21
- got divorced at 22
- was diagnosed with endometriosis at 24
- got put on 2 meds for familial hypertension (thanks dad) when I was 25
- had my second broken engagement at 25
- remarried at 28
- was diagnosed with costochondritis and fibromyalgia at 28
- was tentatively diagnosed (not definitively via biopsy) with IgA nephritis before an actual factual diagnosis of stage 2A grade 3 triple negative breast cancer at age 30 (and I don't have either BRCA mutation!)
- my dad died when I was 32
- was diagnosed with gastritis, gastroparesis, an H. pylori infection (NOT FUN AND THE CURE WAS HORRIBLE), and Sjogren's Syndrome at 36
- had to quit working completely at 37
- went through 2 rounds of SSDI rejections (even though Sjogren's is on the list of "you're disabled if you have this because it sucks that much") but then was able to start working full time again (thanks to Deplin, Savella, and modafinil) at 38
- endured Very Interesting Job Things and family issues throughout all of this

I guess those would qualify as at least minor crises, huh?

Me unedited after a really great 80 minute
table massage this evening. So happy!!

At 39, there's still some weirdness going on, mainly with some eyesight issues but I get a recheck in November. I'm also going to ask my rheumatologist (assuming I remember next month) to check me for dermatomyositis and hypermobility syndrome, since that combo would explain both some skin issues plus my continually occasional rib subluxations (from the combo of muscle stiffness and loose joints).

You know, even with all of that, I still look awesome and way younger than my chronological age, or so everyone keeps telling me. Booyah!! I am pretty resigned to being carded for the rest of my life. I guess I don't look like I'm about 40 in that pic of me from tonight, but Awesome Massage Therapist kinda rubbed all of the makeup out of my face, so whatever. I really need to make myself get massages more often. I got in on the monthly Massage Envy prepaid deal the other year before the prices went up, so I really should keep that going. Guess I'll have to discipline myself with relaxation.

The Salon article mentions that "Xers are still in full construction mode" and that's really true. Hubby and I are consumed with our separate artistic interests (mostly graphite drawing for him though he's been dabbling in pastels and inks and other stuff; photography and writing for me). We're also unlike a lot of people our age in that we're happy to intentionally live in a nice apartment instead of a house because 1) we'd rather let someone else take care of home maintenance issues so we can do what we want to do, 2) property taxes are crazy stupid high here, and 3) it'd be nice to live outside of hot sweltering Texas one of these years so portability for the win! We also have no children, pets, or plants to worry about, although we've talked about caring for some sort of critter(s), like maybe a cat (Abyssinian for him, Nebelung for me) or dog (Scottie for him, Samoyed for me in a way less hot environment), or bunny, or guinea pigs (he misses his), or iguana (I miss mine!) or bearded dragons (I miss those too).

Hot flashing in Sept 2010. I was having a great
time with friends but this was NOT FUN.

It's nice being pretty unlimited with home things and critters not tying us down, but my health issues limit me more than I'd like. It's not really as bad as it used to be though, mainly as I'm much better at pacing myself these days. I can push myself at 75% of my previous full steam because I'm stubborn, plus the new med combo has helped me to work a 40 hour week for over a year now. I wasn't able to do that for the five years prior. I'm also really ecstatic that I haven't hot flashed freaky bad in a long while, thanks to realizing that the BCP I took non-stop for endometriosis was putting me into early menopause which got increasingly frighteningly worse each year. Seriously, looking at some old pics of me drenched in my own sweat in not hot weather is such a bummer, especially with remembering how drained and continually worn out I was, but I'm so glad I'm past that crappiness!! Yay for better living through chemistry!!

Full construction mode now is making me so happy since these days I'm surrounded by even more artistic people. What am I constructing? Eh, several books, a screenplay, eventually some music but definitely some photoey things soon, and who knows what else. You'll just have to pay attention and see. In the meantime, you can check out the awesome nerditry I help with via SCNS Live, now powered by Cinelinx!

An Exercise in Passive-Aggressive Speaking

I learned a long time ago that blowing up at someone over frustrations not only with that person but with others in past similar relationships is not a good thing to do. Particularly when said person emails back a response explaining a few areas where you are wrong. And then you burn that response (with literal fire) and kick yourself for about a decade for doing so because reading those words would've saved a lot of grief over said decade. But I digress.

Instead of blowing up at one of my homies over being the latest of a few friends who've defriended me on Facebook over the years without any hint as to why, I just have a few words to mumble out into the ethers. I figured I'd spew forth said verbage as an exercise in passive aggressive speaking because passive aggressive people are so incredibly joyous to speak with that I've been making it an art form for far too long. I'd like to try to get into that mindset so I can understand those f'd up people a bit more, so here goes:

What the hell kind of crack are you smoking, son? Did you get a bad batch?

I realize you probably took something I said the wrong way, right after I specifically said, "Now don't take this the wrong way," but dude, unfriending? When it's realllllly easy to not-quite-block-but-limit-posts-of-someone from your newsfeed with settings? When Graph Search doesn't even track status anything or other seemingly important this and thats? That's just lazy, man. Damn sloppy.

Of course, maybe it's not from anything to do with that. Maybe it's from something someone else said about me, that I can only assume happened/isn't true, because I'd also assume we were on such a cool level that you'd point blank ask me about the what the hell, and then I'd find out that I was wrong about that. This isn't my first rodeo, and of course those people weren't as cool as you are, but dude, if so, what the hell?

Oh wait. You're a pod person who forgot to reprogram your new self to remember me. Got it. I'll send you the good crack for your next birthday.

Oh, wait, is that it? Feeling any sort of obligation about gifting or carding that doesn't exist to me? You know I have a habit of buying things for gifting, just whenever, and I apologize for carting over a bagful to you but I've been dealing with some pesky health issues for a few years and just haven't caught up with catching up with life so please excuse my horrible tardiness. Or not. But really, if you think you have to get me anything for any reason, you're sadly mistaken. I would have thought you would have known me better than that, with my insistence that gifts should be actual true gifts, without expectation of reciprocation at all. Geez, I hope that's not it... but if it is, huh. Weird.

I figured I'd mention these thoughts just to get them out of my system, because I've been over holding toxic grudges or mistaken feelings for a long time. It doesn't really matter to me if you hear about this or read it or not, really, and I do have better things to do, like photo editing, but I feel like ass from amoxicillin so I'm unable to sleep, so naturally I'm up wondering I can do to help myself feel better. This isn't much... hell, it's nothing, really, but it's something, and it could be useful for getting back to my natural zen self, and grasshopper, you know I talk way too much about anything sometimes because I'm all about educating people. I have a degree for that and everything! Plus I don't blog as much as I'd like to, so hey, multitasking for awesomeness shiny life groove! Pants! Farts! Fire!

Besides, I respect you enough to leave you alone if you want to be left alone, and besides, it'd be kinda awkward asking about how you're doing indirectlyish, like asking my spouse to ask you what's up, or asking your spouse what's up with you, both via Facebook. Especially when we've been acquainted with each other since like 1986 or 1987 or thereabouts. Heh, even the ex-spouse and I are on good speaking terms, and not like we speak to each other any more than you and I have for forever, but still. Hey, remember that one time when I was going through that divorce, and you and I went to the mall with his then-not-yet-wife's baby, and we three looked like a happy family but were not related to each other in the least? Yeah, good times. Yeah.

So anyways, hi. Or not. Whatevs. It's been real, whatever way.

And damn. I realize that I've been way too specific in speaking my mind here still, and so I have a long way to go before I can ever master passive aggressive vagueness. Damn! I thought I was so close! Utter fail!

And there's something else I was going to mention, but of course I can't remember what it is. I'm blaming the amoxicillin. I never had a problem with it all those zillions of times I took it for sinus issues while growing up, and I'm surprised I actually got a prescription for it but I guess that's due to the bad reactions with macrolide antibiotics and doxycycline and Keflex... sigh. I hate being puky.

Oh - that was it - I've been wondering about these things for three or four weeks now, and am just now verbalizing these things externally. Normally I'd just wait a few days and then see what's up, but I've been awfully detached about that. The new eightfold software integration must have gone well. Beep beep bloop honk.

Dammit, Linsanity should refer to ME!!!

NOTE: This is gonna take a while, so you might want to get some snacks.

Seriously, go get some snacks. I'm rambly in this post.

NOTE TWO: This also gets a bit TMI, so if you're squeamish, just skip the paragraph that starts with me rambling about being on Cipro. Or stop with the snacks then. You're welcome.

Why that title? Because within the last month and a half, I have not only lived more non-stop than I have in 10+ years, but have also been *able* to live more non-stop than I have in 10+ years.

See, I've dealt with fibromyalgia and endometriosis for 10+ years now, plus have been married (to the same guy!) for 10+ years, and life is greatly improved back to back in the day thanks to new meds and supplements I won't bore to list (except to say praise Shiva for NAC plus the serious cost-effectiveness of generic Deplin and Provigil).

So guess what's happened in the last month and a half?

Let's see... started new awesome job a week and a half before their centennial annual meeting (and fiscal year end, and if that's as stressed out as everyone gets at once then I am hella set as soon as life simmers down)....

Wait a sec. I should probably mention that I haven't been able to work a 40 hour work week since two jobs ago, since before I went to part-time in May 2007. (Yay for better living through chemistry!) I should probably also mention my fifth interview for my new job (phone, panel, boss, HR, boss's boss) started with getting to know some lovely women in a kinda cramped and stuffy restroom over 45 minutes while waiting for some tornadoes to pass overhead. (Everyone who was in there that I saw on my first day even remembered me when I was introduced around the building!)

I've also had the usual May Routine Doctor Appointment Slam-o-rama, except this has been freakin' nutso, even for me. Tomorrow will make the 11th appt in 4.5 weeks. This doesn't sound so bad, except that since I'm new, I can't take any accrued time off until mid-October (my six-month mark), and I'm getting to make up all the time I'm missing by staying late most days. (My new boss is so generously awesome with that, and with letting me adjust my hours to 8:30-5:30 because the stupid Sjogren's/fibro fatigue is so unpredictable and it's so much worse in hot weather and it's been 94ish for some days now and I get more puky than usual since I'm on Cipro... woo, tangent.)

Imagine, if you will, already trying-to-stay-not-so-fatigued me working a full work week, trying to keep working a 5 hr per week part-time job (and having to give that up, boo!), and seeing my primary care PA and rheumatologist and dermatologist and eye doctor and boob surgeon plus seeing some wonderful guys who work me with Active Release Techniques and sports therapy exercises in a non-woo evidence-based chiropractor office many many many many many times for the usual ribs popping out from new desk ergonomics and running way too non-stop in life. With a few evening massage appointments thrown in to help with the A.R.T. and chiro stuff. All within four weeks. While working extra to make up time. And learning LOTS of things on the job and making forms and tools to help me learn things. And I have eye doctor part two tomorrow.

Yeah, Linsanity should DEFINITELY apply to me more than that tall asian guy, dammit. One of my friends commented that it sounded like I was being chewed up like a dead hooker in a wood chipper. I thought this was pretty apt, except it'd have to be after being sliced and diced by my pimp. For reals.

Oh, and last week a relative in my immediate extended family passed away and I wasn't able to go to the funeral or graveside. I'd only seen him twice over the last 6-7 years but I have some great memories of him from when I was a wee bohemian, and he's very missed. I also had to officially give up (for now, dammit) my part-time job full of awesomeness that I'd missed doing for 6 years. Not only am I once again out in the liturgical cold, but I don't get my weekly dosage of awesome gayness. (There is fabulous gay, and there is awesome gay. I'm so friggin' sad about this, y'all.) Not only that, but working there helped me to realize that it was still possible for me to work and be productive in spite of craptastic health crap, and that did wonders with boosting my self-esteem and morale while faghagging. (There is also a definite probability that in the near future, previously kinda mentioned immediate family will meet up with other awesome gay in a business venture, so that's something I'm looking forward to when I can think about having energy again.)

Did I mention that I was in the presence of The Surgeon General of the United States on the same day I was in the presence of The Bloggess? Yeah, that was flippin' sweet! I'll have pics up someday. Check back around Yule. I might have something up then.

Oh yeah, breast cancer recurrence scare. I'm 8.5 years boob cancer free, and the type I had was stage IIA T2 N0 M0 grade 3 triple-negative. The last .5 year has been interesting with surprise spontaneous unilateral discharge (natually on my affected side) and ductogram and Aurora MRI, and let me tell you how amazing it is to talk with health insurance people when it takes 10 referrals before they, ahem, you find a place that does the special MRI that's needed, which was the place your surgeon's office tried to recommend in the first damn place the week prior but they would only talk with you instead of your physician's office. Also, let me share how spectacular it is when 15 different sets of customer service agents in various departments (Claims, I'm looking at you real hard) can't find your certificates of coverage that have been on file for more than a minute. All of these people are special in a really special way. (Note to self: make sure those idiots paid my pcp from that appt last May.)

(And that's special, not special. As in the state of being distinct, not the designation of a species.)

(Yes, my brain is a little tired. It's the feeling-like-crap from Cipro and adjusting pill-up times to avoid taking it with anything calcium/magnesium/aluminum. I couldn't even soak in epsom salts tonight because of my near-shortsightedness.)

Oh yeah, I'm on Cipro (TMI alert; skip to the next paragraph unless you like reading about bodily fluids) because the lump under my arm that I'd noticed that was alarmingly adjacent to a boob cancer scar almost two inches long thankfully turned out to be a sebaceous cyst (which is now an inch long but finally disappearing, yay). And because my boob discharge was alarmingly green after months of being strawish-clear. And because I have my first UTI in a very long while and it suuuuuuuucks. But finally, the Cipro is working because I'm back to strawish-clear boob ooze and starting to feel better while incredibly puky. I was quite pleased to hear from my cancer surgeon that (thanks to my photography) I'd documented the best case scenario for non-standard boob juicery, with it being green and coming out of multiple ducts (like 8 or 9 at the same time, this one time, which was freaky, and I know this because I was reading while sitting naked under a ceiling fan after a shower and noticed the dried evidence when I next saw myself in a mirror).

Oh, and I am apparently aging faster than I should, since my eyes are doing things that should be starting a few years from now, and I'm apparently in perimenopause now with all this gunk, so yay. I'm really flippin' old for 38. I'll be 39 in late August. And 40 next year. OMG 40. Next year. Hubby just turned 37. (Yes, in a row.) Last week. I'm old. Okay, happy thoughts needed stat so here's some nerd love.

In really happy news, I'm so pleased (and many many other adjectives) about season 3 of The Variants. (OMG dudes, they have a Wikipedia page! Someone should add Joe as a producer sometime. Just sayin'.) Hubby and I helped make season 3 happen via Kickstarter! I'm also excited about the upcoming Stella B. and the Busted League and really happy to see The Untitled Super Cool Nerd Show on air. Dallas totally rules the nerd landscape, you people. I'd go on about Dallas Comic Con and other stuff but nah. I'm off to play Sims 3 and calm my mind a little, since my brain is tired. The game I've been playing for the last month or so is in Hidden Springs, and the local unicorn had a habit of showing up at my sims' home until it got adopted, and one time when one sim was fishing, the other came by to hang out since the unicorn was there, and they both got blessed by the unicorn, and they were already engaged so they decided to have a private wedding, and so now I have two very happily married (and hot) lesbian sims with two dogs and a stray cat that adopted them plus the unicorn which was totally cool with joining the household. My Sims are honeyadventurooning in France right now. Gotta keep them away from that damn cat. I swear, that cat is so cute that they play with it instead of going to sleep or eating or whatever. Stupid cuteness.

You know, I'm not even going to bother reading over this and editing anything. 'Cos I'm Linsane, y'all.

Okay, I changed my mind and added a few links, and while proofreading my husband asked me if I was on a Mormon site.

Whaa?

Because he saw the flowers, and he thinks that Mormon websites are apparently full of flowers. Excuse me, *I* took that photo in the background (and he knows this and he knows I'm not Mormon), and it's all watery reflection of trees and non-blossoming lotus paddery so Not Full Of Flowers. I told him he was mean. Because I'm cranky. And need to be playing Sims 3 for 30 minutes before bedtime. And need to be taking my evening meds with a nom glass of Silk Dark Chocolate Almond Milk because screw Cipro, it's time for calcium. Mmm.... meds.

Also, please don't take that as a slam against Mormons. I've had Mormon friends since high school plus we have a Book of Mormon somewhere on one of our bookshelves (along with a Qur'an, the Jefferson Bible, the Bhagavad Gita, and other sacred scribblings), so don't start any shit. Thanks.