Turning 40

I'm turning 40. Forty. Four zero. This is happening in a few weeks. I did the maths the other day but screwed it up, so will just say whenever it's 5:13 PDT on the 29th, I'll officially celebrate my 40th year and start my 41st year. I am old.

I have a lot of thoughts about this, but will just mention a few of them because ain't nobody got time for rambling. I certainly have other plans anyway. (My Sims 3 addiction needs some nurturing.)

Salon has an article about my generation going through a midlife crisis here. I read it and was like, huh. I don't feel middle aged. I certainly don't look it since I keep getting carded. I think I may look like I'm up to 26 or 28 now, if I'm lucky. I'm pretty sure I'm not in a midlife crisis, although on account of the turning 40 thing, I am examining my life as lived so far and weighing it with things I'd still like to accomplish. Long story short, I've been through an awful lot, and the best is yet to come!

You can stop reading now if you want to skip the details of all of that. Just sayin' since we're all pressed for time all of the time. Seems like that, anyway.

The article mentions that us Gen Xers don't really hit a wall of midlife crisis - we have crises throughout. I guess I can see that, although I've had crises throughout my life so far, not just this allegedly middle part. Let's see.... bad stresses and good stresses would be:

- my mom died when I was barely 15
- I had my first broken engagement at 20
- got married at 21
- got divorced at 22
- was diagnosed with endometriosis at 24
- got put on 2 meds for familial hypertension (thanks dad) when I was 25
- had my second broken engagement at 25
- remarried at 28
- was diagnosed with costochondritis and fibromyalgia at 28
- was tentatively diagnosed (not definitively via biopsy) with IgA nephritis before an actual factual diagnosis of stage 2A grade 3 triple negative breast cancer at age 30 (and I don't have either BRCA mutation!)
- my dad died when I was 32
- was diagnosed with gastritis, gastroparesis, an H. pylori infection (NOT FUN AND THE CURE WAS HORRIBLE), and Sjogren's Syndrome at 36
- had to quit working completely at 37
- went through 2 rounds of SSDI rejections (even though Sjogren's is on the list of "you're disabled if you have this because it sucks that much") but then was able to start working full time again (thanks to Deplin, Savella, and modafinil) at 38
- endured Very Interesting Job Things and family issues throughout all of this

I guess those would qualify as at least minor crises, huh?

Me unedited after a really great 80 minute
table massage this evening. So happy!!

At 39, there's still some weirdness going on, mainly with some eyesight issues but I get a recheck in November. I'm also going to ask my rheumatologist (assuming I remember next month) to check me for dermatomyositis and hypermobility syndrome, since that combo would explain both some skin issues plus my continually occasional rib subluxations (from the combo of muscle stiffness and loose joints).

You know, even with all of that, I still look awesome and way younger than my chronological age, or so everyone keeps telling me. Booyah!! I am pretty resigned to being carded for the rest of my life. I guess I don't look like I'm about 40 in that pic of me from tonight, but Awesome Massage Therapist kinda rubbed all of the makeup out of my face, so whatever. I really need to make myself get massages more often. I got in on the monthly Massage Envy prepaid deal the other year before the prices went up, so I really should keep that going. Guess I'll have to discipline myself with relaxation.

The Salon article mentions that "Xers are still in full construction mode" and that's really true. Hubby and I are consumed with our separate artistic interests (mostly graphite drawing for him though he's been dabbling in pastels and inks and other stuff; photography and writing for me). We're also unlike a lot of people our age in that we're happy to intentionally live in a nice apartment instead of a house because 1) we'd rather let someone else take care of home maintenance issues so we can do what we want to do, 2) property taxes are crazy stupid high here, and 3) it'd be nice to live outside of hot sweltering Texas one of these years so portability for the win! We also have no children, pets, or plants to worry about, although we've talked about caring for some sort of critter(s), like maybe a cat (Abyssinian for him, Nebelung for me) or dog (Scottie for him, Samoyed for me in a way less hot environment), or bunny, or guinea pigs (he misses his), or iguana (I miss mine!) or bearded dragons (I miss those too).

Hot flashing in Sept 2010. I was having a great
time with friends but this was NOT FUN.

It's nice being pretty unlimited with home things and critters not tying us down, but my health issues limit me more than I'd like. It's not really as bad as it used to be though, mainly as I'm much better at pacing myself these days. I can push myself at 75% of my previous full steam because I'm stubborn, plus the new med combo has helped me to work a 40 hour week for over a year now. I wasn't able to do that for the five years prior. I'm also really ecstatic that I haven't hot flashed freaky bad in a long while, thanks to realizing that the BCP I took non-stop for endometriosis was putting me into early menopause which got increasingly frighteningly worse each year. Seriously, looking at some old pics of me drenched in my own sweat in not hot weather is such a bummer, especially with remembering how drained and continually worn out I was, but I'm so glad I'm past that crappiness!! Yay for better living through chemistry!!

Full construction mode now is making me so happy since these days I'm surrounded by even more artistic people. What am I constructing? Eh, several books, a screenplay, eventually some music but definitely some photoey things soon, and who knows what else. You'll just have to pay attention and see. In the meantime, you can check out the awesome nerditry I help with via SCNS Live, now powered by Cinelinx!

Ramblings on interconnectivity

I had a long, draining week last week, and I'm done with stressing over several projects at the workplace that are mostly done or in a hold pattern for now. My intellect is chalking my tiredness and feeling weirded out to not resting as I should, plus working on several writing things I haven’t worked on in far too long, including a poetry book, revamping a book on my cancer experience and other health crap, and a historical-based screenplay. I keep trying to insist to myself that I feel normal again, with pacing myself, except I feel somewhat awful and I hate having to pace myself.  I’ve also been hot flashing again and thinking how not fair it is to have to grow old, since this time the approaching menopause thing is more appropriately timed to normal life stuff instead of being in menopause early thanks to chemo. I think I’m already mentally old because I’m totally okay having been falling apart for forever, plus now I feel like I’m rambling all senile-like because I’m tired and need a nap. Well, I'm really not quite that tired, but I do have a headache, so napping seems like a reasonable thing to do. Um, but maybe not at 6:40 pm... drat.

Intellect aside, the rest of me thinks that it’s awfully strange for me to feel this awfully strange for the last few days… like, really angry and sucker-punchy and in tears at one point, but none of this has been hormonal or directed at anyone. I’m on a The Pill non-stop for endometriosis and haven’t had a period in years (and I LOVE THIS), but I wondered if it could’ve been hormonal since I recently changed BCPs (from Loestrin Fe 24 to Junel 1/20 due to cost). However, the differences in the inactive ingredients seemed way too slight to cause me to be all freaked out from feeling freaked out. Then I figured, the tears are from stubbornly trying to do things like normal while fibro flaring, since I’ve been hurting more than usual (stupid weather changing all crazy again), plus I get that way when I’m out of the microlingual B12 that works better than the rest of the B12s I’ve tried, and also Very Annoying Computer Issues Happening From Out Of Nowhere on top of pollen explosions worsening my allergies aren’t helping either.

I really should rest a bit more, with the not braining and not doing anything this week, but it occurred to me this afternoon that the last few days for me have been like when animals know that something’s coming and freak out even though they may not know why. I’ve actually done this a few times over the decades; the freakiest time was trying to talk with my pastor while in tears, not knowing why I was crying, speaking in a non-shaky voice and wondering what the hell was going on with me. He tried to console me but I was like, “Nothing is wrong with me. I really have no idea why this is happening!” A few days later, 9/11 happened, and I was like, oh, maybe that’s what I’ve been sensing. Weirder things have happened. So now I’m wondering if the explosions with the Boston Marathon are the same type thing, even though the skeptic part of my brain is all, “Yeah, right, whatever,” although the intuitive part of my brain is all, “What, again!?? Gaah already!”

There was a horrific bus accident about a mile from my home last week, so I’ve been thinking back to my disaster preparedness days and realizing how much I don’t miss that but how much I miss working in liturgy. I found a coworker of mine from several jobs ago too, working for one of the organizations involved with the local disaster response, who was a blast to work with but who’d disappeared… I’m pretty sure he hates me for trying to help him with a personal situation, but oh well. If I’m going to lose a friendship, I’m good with it if it’s for a good cause, like trying to get two people to work through relationship issues (especially when the person I’m trying to help really needs to stop making the same mistake multiple times), but I digress.

With today, I thought back to when I lived in Framingham years ago, and how I watched the beginning of the Boston Marathon one year in Hopkinton. That was cool. At my desk I heard from a coworker that everyone there preparing for our annual meeting was okay (the meeting hotel is really close to Copley Square) and it starts in a few days. I watched video of the first explosion, saw pics via news sites, read about the incident at the library, and I still can’t help but think of April 19, 1995, when I could’ve died in the Murrah Building in OKC had my schedule for the day gone as planned. I would’ve likely been finishing up or leaving the social security office from getting my name changed as I’d recently gotten married (for the first time; long story short, it lasted less than two years). I moved college class stuff around to have a day to do paperwork and home things, and naturally that was the day the bombing happened. Fortunately the alarm had been turned way down somehow (and it was checked twice the night before since we had a full day and needed to start early), so when that boom rattled the windows and shook the walls of my house, I wasn’t worried in the least. I figured it was some hotshot pilot buzzing nearby Tinker Air Force Base. Then there was panic and yelling from the radio when the alarm next went off, and I spent the following few hours glued to the television, jaw hitting the floor after realizing that’s where I should’ve been at the time. (The social security office was next to the daycare in the building.)

It’s kind of strange and funny to see how interconnected life can be sometimes. I’ve been thinking about that more lately, with things that happen over a span of years. Sure a lot of things are just coincidences and crazy random happenstances, but just stepping back and observing and connecting some dots can be interesting too, with things making a lot more sense in retrospect, sometimes. Like, did I become comfortable with working disaster preparedness things because of living in the environment with the Murrah explosion and the aftermath? Am I missing liturgy and sacred music more than usual lately because I’m surrounded by a completely different set of people these days so I don’t have as much opportunity to church nerd as much as I did before? Have I crossed into being officially old now because I don’t care about external things as much as I used to, except for how they can get me into living life more internally faster?

I think this may be too ambitious even for me (HA! – geez, I crack myself up sometimes), but I think some additions to my overall life plan may make retiring happen in a way better way. Since I really committed myself last year to writing a screenplay for someone else, I’ve noticed a lot of film people showing up in my life. I’m learning more about video production without even intending to get into that, and I’m wondering if this will help me make some connections for connections down the line in case the screenplay I end up with is so kickass that it simply has to be produced. This would be nice. This would mean more financial security and getting to do what I want to do much faster – namely move to New Mexico, start growing Chimayo chiles and whatever else, have a photography studio for me, get an art studio for Jefferson, chillax and travel whenever and wherever, and maybe do some consulting and selling of gourmet chile powder (note to self: check with brother-in-law on related spice things) and such as. I’ve even found a house off the side of a highway near Nambé Falls that seems like it would be perfect – out in the middle of nowhere but near enough to civilization for usefulness – and of course there’s no guarantee that it’ll still be available when I’m ready but it’s certainly being a good carrot right now, with getting me to get more of what I want to do done already. Of course, nothing I’ve planned is absolutely guaranteed to happen, plus I have to remember to take decent care of myself in the meantime, which means resting when I don’t want to, and I really am trying to not whine about resting but this is one of those times I’d like to have a 5-minute pity party before breaking all the glassware and dishes in celebration of my usual kicking of ass.

Okay, enough rambling. Heartfelt prayers and worries for everyone in Beantown.

Wheeeeeee!!!!

Well, turns out the stuff I'd mentioned to the asshat at AT&T *was* in the terms and conditions, and when I talked with someone else about it last week, I was surprised to hear that my iPad was still using the 3G. Whaaa? Long story short, I would've had to pay for the use anyway since the cellular data setting was still on, even though I'd cancelled my plan. I'm pretty sure I reset that to be on accidentally when I was checking to make sure it was still cancelled way back when. Or something. I dunno.

My thumb is way better and is still a little sore in a tiny area but that's okay since there's two additional layers of skin there now. The cancer recurrence scare I've been going through (did I even mention that? Not gonna bother to look back through the blog due to brain zaps) is basically over, since both a ductogram and Aurora breast MRI were negative. My endo's been feeling worse so I'm going to try Zoladex, which is kinda like Lupron but not, and it's supposed to help me be pelvic pain free for two years after being in six months of menopause. We're currently waiting to see if insurance will cover it, and I'm hoping my part will be affordable assuming it's covered. My surgeon's wife said, "Good luck with that!" when I filled her in this afternoon, due to the lovely insanity we had not long ago. She was also thrilled that I thought of her when noticing more discharge today. Yeah, I've been kinda preoccupied with a lot of things.

There's a lot more that's been going on, notably thinking logistically through my new grand plan to live in Chimayo, NM and be a chile farmer in six years (yes really), but I'm not going into any of that or into any of six other things because of brain zapping. See, I went from 60 mg of Cymbalta straight to 25 mg of Savella last week, and whoo boy it's NOT been fun. It is NOWHERE near as bad as when Effexor stopped working for me some years ago, but it's definitely not fun. I'm feeling really awful that I've asked for more hours at my part-time job but I haven't been able to make it in this week so far. :(

Yesterday I tried to make it to the new huge AT&T Mobility store so I could check out and probably get a white Samsung Galaxy Note. I also tried to make it to Target for getting Great Home Stuff (tm) (funny story re: the GHS that I won't get into here), then tried to make it to Kroger. I failed miserably on all counts. I had wanted to go across town to World Market and to Sprouts, but those are like 20 minutes away and I settled for driving just 2-3 miles away to everywhere else. I hadn't even reached the first place when I felt awfully dizzy, nauseated, clammy, and blugh, so stopped at McDeath for a double cheeseburger on the off-chance that I needed more fuel. (I'd only had pan-roasted carrots and a bell pepper for lunch.) I still felt pretty awful so I drove home instead of stopping anywhere I'd intended to go. That 10 minute drive felt like for-e-ver too. And then I crashed. At 5:30 pm. And was awakened to take evening meds just after 9pm, and then couldn't get back to sleep until 7:30 am, then woke at about 9:30 am, and such as. I made it to 8pm before crashing the other night (and sleeping through until Magic Morning Oatmeal Time at 6:15 am), and my sleep schedule has been off again from the med adjustment, but I am physically feeling better aside from the withdrawal crap so I guess that's something.

Today I actually made it to Target but hung on to the shopping cart for dear life for nearly two hours while going around the store very slowly. Out of the 15 things on my list of things to get, I totally skipped two intentionally because I was taking too freaking long.

*insert 10-12 minutes of spacing out at my computer desk just now*

Oh yeah, brain zaps. (Will maybe talk about other stuff another time, as if anyone wants to hear my reasonings for farming chile in Chimayo or about the two kilos of copper bullion I got from my fatherland of Pennsylvania.) The zaps are from Cymbalta withdrawals, and I'm thankful that they're nowhere near as bad as Effexor withdrawals but GAH they totally suck. I am feeling noticeably better on the Savella though, and have stopped taking both my Benadryl for sleepytime and half my tramadol for pain. And it's been ungodly swampy humid lately, so I should've been hurting way more than I have been. Woot! But these zaps... oy. I can deal with the headaches and sweatiness, but the nausea is blech and the dizziness is annoying and these zaps are just amazingly disconcerting.

Best description I've seen on the interweb:

“Brain zaps” are said to defy description for whomever has not experienced them, but the most common themes are of a sudden “jolt,” likened to an electric shock, apparently occurring or originating within the brain itself, with associated disorientation for a few seconds. The phenomenon is most often reported as a brief, wave-like electrical pulse that quickly travels across the surface of (or through) the brain. Some people experience these “waves” through the rest of their body, but the sensation dissipates quickly. They are sometimes accompanied by brief tinnitus and vertigo like feelings. Immediately following this shock is a light-headedness that may last for up to ten seconds. The sensation has also be described by many as a flashbulb going off inside the head or brain. Moving one’s eyes from side to side quickly while open has also been known to trigger these zaps and sometimes causing them to come in rapid succession. It is thought to be a form of neuro-epileptiform activity.

As withdrawal time increases, the frequency of the shocks decreases. At their peak, brain zaps have been associated with severe headaches. They may last for a period of several weeks after the last dose and usually resolve completely within a month or two. However, anecdotal reports of “zaps” during a protracted withdrawal are known to last a year or longer.

And on that note, I'm off to dream of otters and holding a Galaxy Note in hand before ordering one.