I had a long, draining week last week, and I'm done with stressing over several projects at the workplace that are mostly done or in a hold pattern for now. My intellect is chalking my tiredness and feeling weirded out to not resting as I should, plus working on several writing things I haven’t worked on in far too long, including a poetry book, revamping a book on my cancer experience and other health crap, and a historical-based screenplay. I keep trying to insist to myself that I feel normal again, with pacing myself, except I feel somewhat awful and I hate having to pace myself. I’ve also been hot flashing again and thinking how not fair it is to have to grow old, since this time the approaching menopause thing is more appropriately timed to normal life stuff instead of being in menopause early thanks to chemo. I think I’m already mentally old because I’m totally okay having been falling apart for forever, plus now I feel like I’m rambling all senile-like because I’m tired and need a nap. Well, I'm really not quite that tired, but I do have a headache, so napping seems like a reasonable thing to do. Um, but maybe not at 6:40 pm... drat.
Intellect aside, the rest of me thinks that it’s awfully strange for me to feel this awfully strange for the last few days… like, really angry and sucker-punchy and in tears at one point, but none of this has been hormonal or directed at anyone. I’m on a The Pill non-stop for endometriosis and haven’t had a period in years (and I LOVE THIS), but I wondered if it could’ve been hormonal since I recently changed BCPs (from Loestrin Fe 24 to Junel 1/20 due to cost). However, the differences in the inactive ingredients seemed way too slight to cause me to be all freaked out from feeling freaked out. Then I figured, the tears are from stubbornly trying to do things like normal while fibro flaring, since I’ve been hurting more than usual (stupid weather changing all crazy again), plus I get that way when I’m out of the microlingual B12 that works better than the rest of the B12s I’ve tried, and also Very Annoying Computer Issues Happening From Out Of Nowhere on top of pollen explosions worsening my allergies aren’t helping either.
I really should rest a bit more, with the not braining and not doing anything this week, but it occurred to me this afternoon that the last few days for me have been like when animals know that something’s coming and freak out even though they may not know why. I’ve actually done this a few times over the decades; the freakiest time was trying to talk with my pastor while in tears, not knowing why I was crying, speaking in a non-shaky voice and wondering what the hell was going on with me. He tried to console me but I was like, “Nothing is wrong with me. I really have no idea why this is happening!” A few days later, 9/11 happened, and I was like, oh, maybe that’s what I’ve been sensing. Weirder things have happened. So now I’m wondering if the explosions with the Boston Marathon are the same type thing, even though the skeptic part of my brain is all, “Yeah, right, whatever,” although the intuitive part of my brain is all, “What, again!?? Gaah already!”
There was a horrific bus accident about a mile from my home last week, so I’ve been thinking back to my disaster preparedness days and realizing how much I don’t miss that but how much I miss working in liturgy. I found a coworker of mine from several jobs ago too, working for one of the organizations involved with the local disaster response, who was a blast to work with but who’d disappeared… I’m pretty sure he hates me for trying to help him with a personal situation, but oh well. If I’m going to lose a friendship, I’m good with it if it’s for a good cause, like trying to get two people to work through relationship issues (especially when the person I’m trying to help really needs to stop making the same mistake multiple times), but I digress.
With today, I thought back to when I lived in Framingham years ago, and how I watched the beginning of the Boston Marathon one year in Hopkinton. That was cool. At my desk I heard from a coworker that everyone there preparing for our annual meeting was okay (the meeting hotel is really close to Copley Square) and it starts in a few days. I watched video of the first explosion, saw pics via news sites, read about the incident at the library, and I still can’t help but think of April 19, 1995, when I could’ve died in the Murrah Building in OKC had my schedule for the day gone as planned. I would’ve likely been finishing up or leaving the social security office from getting my name changed as I’d recently gotten married (for the first time; long story short, it lasted less than two years). I moved college class stuff around to have a day to do paperwork and home things, and naturally that was the day the bombing happened. Fortunately the alarm had been turned way down somehow (and it was checked twice the night before since we had a full day and needed to start early), so when that boom rattled the windows and shook the walls of my house, I wasn’t worried in the least. I figured it was some hotshot pilot buzzing nearby Tinker Air Force Base. Then there was panic and yelling from the radio when the alarm next went off, and I spent the following few hours glued to the television, jaw hitting the floor after realizing that’s where I should’ve been at the time. (The social security office was next to the daycare in the building.)
It’s kind of strange and funny to see how interconnected life can be sometimes. I’ve been thinking about that more lately, with things that happen over a span of years. Sure a lot of things are just coincidences and crazy random happenstances, but just stepping back and observing and connecting some dots can be interesting too, with things making a lot more sense in retrospect, sometimes. Like, did I become comfortable with working disaster preparedness things because of living in the environment with the Murrah explosion and the aftermath? Am I missing liturgy and sacred music more than usual lately because I’m surrounded by a completely different set of people these days so I don’t have as much opportunity to church nerd as much as I did before? Have I crossed into being officially old now because I don’t care about external things as much as I used to, except for how they can get me into living life more internally faster?
I think this may be too ambitious even for me (HA! – geez, I crack myself up sometimes), but I think some additions to my overall life plan may make retiring happen in a way better way. Since I really committed myself last year to writing a screenplay for someone else, I’ve noticed a lot of film people showing up in my life. I’m learning more about video production without even intending to get into that, and I’m wondering if this will help me make some connections for connections down the line in case the screenplay I end up with is so kickass that it simply has to be produced. This would be nice. This would mean more financial security and getting to do what I want to do much faster – namely move to New Mexico, start growing Chimayo chiles and whatever else, have a photography studio for me, get an art studio for Jefferson, chillax and travel whenever and wherever, and maybe do some consulting and selling of gourmet chile powder (note to self: check with brother-in-law on related spice things) and such as. I’ve even found a house off the side of a highway near Nambé Falls that seems like it would be perfect – out in the middle of nowhere but near enough to civilization for usefulness – and of course there’s no guarantee that it’ll still be available when I’m ready but it’s certainly being a good carrot right now, with getting me to get more of what I want to do done already. Of course, nothing I’ve planned is absolutely guaranteed to happen, plus I have to remember to take decent care of myself in the meantime, which means resting when I don’t want to, and I really am trying to not whine about resting but this is one of those times I’d like to have a 5-minute pity party before breaking all the glassware and dishes in celebration of my usual kicking of ass.
Okay, enough rambling. Heartfelt prayers and worries for everyone in Beantown.
Intellect aside, the rest of me thinks that it’s awfully strange for me to feel this awfully strange for the last few days… like, really angry and sucker-punchy and in tears at one point, but none of this has been hormonal or directed at anyone. I’m on a The Pill non-stop for endometriosis and haven’t had a period in years (and I LOVE THIS), but I wondered if it could’ve been hormonal since I recently changed BCPs (from Loestrin Fe 24 to Junel 1/20 due to cost). However, the differences in the inactive ingredients seemed way too slight to cause me to be all freaked out from feeling freaked out. Then I figured, the tears are from stubbornly trying to do things like normal while fibro flaring, since I’ve been hurting more than usual (stupid weather changing all crazy again), plus I get that way when I’m out of the microlingual B12 that works better than the rest of the B12s I’ve tried, and also Very Annoying Computer Issues Happening From Out Of Nowhere on top of pollen explosions worsening my allergies aren’t helping either.
I really should rest a bit more, with the not braining and not doing anything this week, but it occurred to me this afternoon that the last few days for me have been like when animals know that something’s coming and freak out even though they may not know why. I’ve actually done this a few times over the decades; the freakiest time was trying to talk with my pastor while in tears, not knowing why I was crying, speaking in a non-shaky voice and wondering what the hell was going on with me. He tried to console me but I was like, “Nothing is wrong with me. I really have no idea why this is happening!” A few days later, 9/11 happened, and I was like, oh, maybe that’s what I’ve been sensing. Weirder things have happened. So now I’m wondering if the explosions with the Boston Marathon are the same type thing, even though the skeptic part of my brain is all, “Yeah, right, whatever,” although the intuitive part of my brain is all, “What, again!?? Gaah already!”
There was a horrific bus accident about a mile from my home last week, so I’ve been thinking back to my disaster preparedness days and realizing how much I don’t miss that but how much I miss working in liturgy. I found a coworker of mine from several jobs ago too, working for one of the organizations involved with the local disaster response, who was a blast to work with but who’d disappeared… I’m pretty sure he hates me for trying to help him with a personal situation, but oh well. If I’m going to lose a friendship, I’m good with it if it’s for a good cause, like trying to get two people to work through relationship issues (especially when the person I’m trying to help really needs to stop making the same mistake multiple times), but I digress.
With today, I thought back to when I lived in Framingham years ago, and how I watched the beginning of the Boston Marathon one year in Hopkinton. That was cool. At my desk I heard from a coworker that everyone there preparing for our annual meeting was okay (the meeting hotel is really close to Copley Square) and it starts in a few days. I watched video of the first explosion, saw pics via news sites, read about the incident at the library, and I still can’t help but think of April 19, 1995, when I could’ve died in the Murrah Building in OKC had my schedule for the day gone as planned. I would’ve likely been finishing up or leaving the social security office from getting my name changed as I’d recently gotten married (for the first time; long story short, it lasted less than two years). I moved college class stuff around to have a day to do paperwork and home things, and naturally that was the day the bombing happened. Fortunately the alarm had been turned way down somehow (and it was checked twice the night before since we had a full day and needed to start early), so when that boom rattled the windows and shook the walls of my house, I wasn’t worried in the least. I figured it was some hotshot pilot buzzing nearby Tinker Air Force Base. Then there was panic and yelling from the radio when the alarm next went off, and I spent the following few hours glued to the television, jaw hitting the floor after realizing that’s where I should’ve been at the time. (The social security office was next to the daycare in the building.)
It’s kind of strange and funny to see how interconnected life can be sometimes. I’ve been thinking about that more lately, with things that happen over a span of years. Sure a lot of things are just coincidences and crazy random happenstances, but just stepping back and observing and connecting some dots can be interesting too, with things making a lot more sense in retrospect, sometimes. Like, did I become comfortable with working disaster preparedness things because of living in the environment with the Murrah explosion and the aftermath? Am I missing liturgy and sacred music more than usual lately because I’m surrounded by a completely different set of people these days so I don’t have as much opportunity to church nerd as much as I did before? Have I crossed into being officially old now because I don’t care about external things as much as I used to, except for how they can get me into living life more internally faster?
I think this may be too ambitious even for me (HA! – geez, I crack myself up sometimes), but I think some additions to my overall life plan may make retiring happen in a way better way. Since I really committed myself last year to writing a screenplay for someone else, I’ve noticed a lot of film people showing up in my life. I’m learning more about video production without even intending to get into that, and I’m wondering if this will help me make some connections for connections down the line in case the screenplay I end up with is so kickass that it simply has to be produced. This would be nice. This would mean more financial security and getting to do what I want to do much faster – namely move to New Mexico, start growing Chimayo chiles and whatever else, have a photography studio for me, get an art studio for Jefferson, chillax and travel whenever and wherever, and maybe do some consulting and selling of gourmet chile powder (note to self: check with brother-in-law on related spice things) and such as. I’ve even found a house off the side of a highway near Nambé Falls that seems like it would be perfect – out in the middle of nowhere but near enough to civilization for usefulness – and of course there’s no guarantee that it’ll still be available when I’m ready but it’s certainly being a good carrot right now, with getting me to get more of what I want to do done already. Of course, nothing I’ve planned is absolutely guaranteed to happen, plus I have to remember to take decent care of myself in the meantime, which means resting when I don’t want to, and I really am trying to not whine about resting but this is one of those times I’d like to have a 5-minute pity party before breaking all the glassware and dishes in celebration of my usual kicking of ass.
Okay, enough rambling. Heartfelt prayers and worries for everyone in Beantown.
