Happy death day!! Plus, Chinese fooooooood!

25 years. It's been 25 years since my mom passed away from metastatic cervical cancer. I was barely 15, and now I'm 40, and it is weird to realize mom's been dead for nearly 2/3 of my life.

I went to a local Chinese buffet for lunch and had some of the same rice that my dad made years ago (he's only been dead for about 7.5 years), plus had some of the same Szechwan string beans that my mom made years ago. We grew string beans in our backyard, and she'd more often dunk the beans in tempura batter and deep fry them (UBER NOM!!) but would also stir fry the beans occasionally. It hasn't really been rough this year, and although I suppose I'm used to it (them being gone), it's still not something I'll ever get over. Thankfully I can share some of the good memories with family and friends, even with friends who never knew either of them. Yay old photos and social media.

AUTHENTIC. Not Instagram filtered. In fact, enhanced
to be more true to color because real is how I roll, yo.

My mom was the youngest of 8 siblings so she cooked for a gazillion people every time we had a get together (birthday party, Bible study, etc.). I'm sadly missing several photo albums from years ago but I do have some snaps from way back when showing the ginormous amounts of food she routinely made. The one of me behind my birthday party food looking like a boss was from when I turned 7 in 1980. To this day, I'm amazed I survived the overwhelming mustard palette of my environment, from the wallpaper to the carpet to just... aaaaugh the colors!! THE COLORS!!!! But anyway, yeah, there was like, a ton of chicken (tempura batter is The Best Batter, btw), won tons, egg rolls, spring rolls, rice, punch, and other foods.

So. Foods. My mom always made a ton of won tons, egg rolls, and spring rolls for these festivities. To seal the wrappers, she used a beaten egg white. That's it. No cornstarch and water mix, just an egg white. All you do is separate an egg white into a bowl, whip it with a fork, and voila - beaten egg white glop. Add a few drops of water if it's too thick for you for some reason.

This was from a few years before I was born. That's my
older sister with my mom and dad. They be stylin'!!

The most authentic-to-my-mom won ton stuffing and folding technique is at this link (which also has a recipe for chili dipping oil; we used either sweet and sour sauce or Kikkoman soy sauce for our dippings). For easy reference, the ingredients are 8 oz ground pork, 2 tbsp finely chopped scallion, 1 tbsp toasted sesame oil, 1/2 tsp salt (I'm pretty sure my mom used MSG instead), and 1/4 tsp ground white pepper. Basically, smush all that in a bowl with your hands until the ingredients are combined. Spoon a small dollop onto the center of a square egg roll wrapper. Moisten the sides of the wrapper with pre-beaten egg white glop, then fold so that you have a triangle and the filling is in the center/bottom of the triangle. Put the left and right ends together, twist the dough a little so it's like two hands shaking, then reinforce seal that with more glop. Deep fry till awesome!

Wrapping spring rolls and egg rolls is done a bit differently, which you can read about at this link. However, BE AWARE that THERE IS A DIFFERENCE between spring rolls and egg rolls. At least in my family there's a big difference. My mom's spring rolls were wrapped in circular extra thin spring roll wrappers (not rice paper like Banh Trang but just as thin with wheat and rice flour if I remember correctly, since the skins fried to a nice super crispy brown), and mom's ingredients were shredded cabbage, shredded carrots, and bean sprouts. That's it. Her egg rolls were wrapped in the more normal square type of roll wrappers (the Dynasty brand looks right to me) and the filling ingredients were basically the same pork stuffing as above for the won tons, plus shredded carrots and sprouts, and maybe a little cabbage. She made use of the same ingredients across the board, at any rate. That link to that other mother's wrapping techniques is solid as far as techniquing goes, so do all that but use my mom's filling instead. ;)

Oh - and as far as crab Rangoon goes, use the same technique as dolloping the filling for the won tons, except keep them in the triangle shape. The filling is basically shredded or stringed out imitation cwab mixed with cream cheese, but I prefer Neufchatel cheese (the Americanized version in the grocery stores, not the real deal from France) because it tastes slightly better imho, plus has less calories than regular cream cheese.

Do I miss my parents? Hell yeah, I miss them. Some days, seemingly at random, I get overwhelmed with the missing one or both of them, but that hasn't happened too much in the last few years since I keep seeing bits of them in how I do things - actions I take, phrasings I speak - and it's freaky in a mostly good way. I know that part of them is alive in me, so that's comforting. Plus my sister and her extended families are only 3 hours away (just down a very long street!), and I talked with her a few hours ago, so that was pretty cool. Didn't mention anything about the day but finally got to catch up some with life this and that.

Be sure to love your family (blood or not) while you're still around. It doesn't matter if they're still alive or not. What's important is that you maintain that tie. Trust me on that.

Turning 40

I'm turning 40. Forty. Four zero. This is happening in a few weeks. I did the maths the other day but screwed it up, so will just say whenever it's 5:13 PDT on the 29th, I'll officially celebrate my 40th year and start my 41st year. I am old.

I have a lot of thoughts about this, but will just mention a few of them because ain't nobody got time for rambling. I certainly have other plans anyway. (My Sims 3 addiction needs some nurturing.)

Salon has an article about my generation going through a midlife crisis here. I read it and was like, huh. I don't feel middle aged. I certainly don't look it since I keep getting carded. I think I may look like I'm up to 26 or 28 now, if I'm lucky. I'm pretty sure I'm not in a midlife crisis, although on account of the turning 40 thing, I am examining my life as lived so far and weighing it with things I'd still like to accomplish. Long story short, I've been through an awful lot, and the best is yet to come!

You can stop reading now if you want to skip the details of all of that. Just sayin' since we're all pressed for time all of the time. Seems like that, anyway.

The article mentions that us Gen Xers don't really hit a wall of midlife crisis - we have crises throughout. I guess I can see that, although I've had crises throughout my life so far, not just this allegedly middle part. Let's see.... bad stresses and good stresses would be:

- my mom died when I was barely 15
- I had my first broken engagement at 20
- got married at 21
- got divorced at 22
- was diagnosed with endometriosis at 24
- got put on 2 meds for familial hypertension (thanks dad) when I was 25
- had my second broken engagement at 25
- remarried at 28
- was diagnosed with costochondritis and fibromyalgia at 28
- was tentatively diagnosed (not definitively via biopsy) with IgA nephritis before an actual factual diagnosis of stage 2A grade 3 triple negative breast cancer at age 30 (and I don't have either BRCA mutation!)
- my dad died when I was 32
- was diagnosed with gastritis, gastroparesis, an H. pylori infection (NOT FUN AND THE CURE WAS HORRIBLE), and Sjogren's Syndrome at 36
- had to quit working completely at 37
- went through 2 rounds of SSDI rejections (even though Sjogren's is on the list of "you're disabled if you have this because it sucks that much") but then was able to start working full time again (thanks to Deplin, Savella, and modafinil) at 38
- endured Very Interesting Job Things and family issues throughout all of this

I guess those would qualify as at least minor crises, huh?

Me unedited after a really great 80 minute
table massage this evening. So happy!!

At 39, there's still some weirdness going on, mainly with some eyesight issues but I get a recheck in November. I'm also going to ask my rheumatologist (assuming I remember next month) to check me for dermatomyositis and hypermobility syndrome, since that combo would explain both some skin issues plus my continually occasional rib subluxations (from the combo of muscle stiffness and loose joints).

You know, even with all of that, I still look awesome and way younger than my chronological age, or so everyone keeps telling me. Booyah!! I am pretty resigned to being carded for the rest of my life. I guess I don't look like I'm about 40 in that pic of me from tonight, but Awesome Massage Therapist kinda rubbed all of the makeup out of my face, so whatever. I really need to make myself get massages more often. I got in on the monthly Massage Envy prepaid deal the other year before the prices went up, so I really should keep that going. Guess I'll have to discipline myself with relaxation.

The Salon article mentions that "Xers are still in full construction mode" and that's really true. Hubby and I are consumed with our separate artistic interests (mostly graphite drawing for him though he's been dabbling in pastels and inks and other stuff; photography and writing for me). We're also unlike a lot of people our age in that we're happy to intentionally live in a nice apartment instead of a house because 1) we'd rather let someone else take care of home maintenance issues so we can do what we want to do, 2) property taxes are crazy stupid high here, and 3) it'd be nice to live outside of hot sweltering Texas one of these years so portability for the win! We also have no children, pets, or plants to worry about, although we've talked about caring for some sort of critter(s), like maybe a cat (Abyssinian for him, Nebelung for me) or dog (Scottie for him, Samoyed for me in a way less hot environment), or bunny, or guinea pigs (he misses his), or iguana (I miss mine!) or bearded dragons (I miss those too).

Hot flashing in Sept 2010. I was having a great
time with friends but this was NOT FUN.

It's nice being pretty unlimited with home things and critters not tying us down, but my health issues limit me more than I'd like. It's not really as bad as it used to be though, mainly as I'm much better at pacing myself these days. I can push myself at 75% of my previous full steam because I'm stubborn, plus the new med combo has helped me to work a 40 hour week for over a year now. I wasn't able to do that for the five years prior. I'm also really ecstatic that I haven't hot flashed freaky bad in a long while, thanks to realizing that the BCP I took non-stop for endometriosis was putting me into early menopause which got increasingly frighteningly worse each year. Seriously, looking at some old pics of me drenched in my own sweat in not hot weather is such a bummer, especially with remembering how drained and continually worn out I was, but I'm so glad I'm past that crappiness!! Yay for better living through chemistry!!

Full construction mode now is making me so happy since these days I'm surrounded by even more artistic people. What am I constructing? Eh, several books, a screenplay, eventually some music but definitely some photoey things soon, and who knows what else. You'll just have to pay attention and see. In the meantime, you can check out the awesome nerditry I help with via SCNS Live, now powered by Cinelinx!

Thoughts and prayers and kindness, oh my.

“When in doubt, give.” – Bjork, Medulla, Pleasure Is All Mine

A ton of people have been through the wringer this week. In addition to friends dealing with surprise cancer and other health issues and friends dealing with the loss of pets/fur kids who’ve been part of their family for forever, major goings on have been the bombings at the Boston Marathon on Monday, a fertilizer plant exploding in West, TX on Wednesday, and anniversaries of events at Waco and Oklahoma City yesterday. It’s been amazing to see communities pull together on local to national scales, and I’m glad for the progress made over the years with disaster preparedness everywhere, but I’m a little baffled by some of the things I observe. More on that in a minute. 

Congress also pissed a hella lotta people off with an epic fail on curbing gun violence. It’s bad enough that we have sporadic mass casualty incidents, but when (allegedly) 90% of Americans are for better background checking and measures called for aren’t put in place to enhance public safety, that’s just redamndiculous. It’s also really sad to see journalistic integrity degraded to such an extent that the speed of getting news out has trumped information accuracy. There wouldn’t be a need to backpedal on reported news after 20 minutes or so if things had been reported correctly the first time, even if the report is, “I don’t know; we’ll keep you posted.” (AP and CNN, you’re on notice.) It’s expected out of social media reporting, and thank the stars for social media helping with accuracy and telling people how to best help whatever situation, but non-professionals doing a better job than professionals at reporting makes me cringe.

Werd.

So thanks to events this week, bugging me yet again is the whole “Prayer: Why?” thing. I see people sharing biblical scriptures and prayer things posted in between people yelling at others to do something useful instead of praying, like helping in a tangible manner with money or blood. Both perspectives irk me, to different degrees. One makes me think, “But what about the people who aren’t able to help financially or in person? Guilt tripping others doesn’t help and makes you look like an ass, ass.” The other doesn't upset me but does make me occasionally think, “What, there’s only one approved way to pray and that has to be your way? Expand your understanding of your God already. There are other faiths besides Christianity.”

I'd posted some general supportive sentiments to my Facebook wall, and was thanked by a friend for the "kind, simple, beautiful words." Another friend commented, "It's knowing, everything is going through something, so please be kind... that's really important." (Thanks Lou and Kitty, and Sandy for the image!) I think a lot of people have good intentions with saying things to help people help others, and I don't think the proportions of each view are any different than usual, but how people are trying to express kindness is irking me more lately. It's probably more of a perceptual problem on my part, since I've been having a hard time with properly relaxing and decompressing lately (there is not enough time in the day for everything I need to do!, and I want to cry and kung fu the air just because of computer issues). It's also probably my going back into menopause (oh how I wish perimenopause was as quick as the chemo-pause I had!), but the irkiness has gone on long enough for me to mention it via blog. (And seriously, after a ton of other wonkiness, my computer tried to install a video card driver through Microsoft Word, so I think I have a legit reason to be a bit agitated. At least I have sound again, though there's a cavernous echo on everything now.)

Personally, I’m glad to see people helping however possible. I try to always mention sharing both thoughts and prayers, for people in both camps, because I feel that both are important. The jury is still out for some on whether or not thinking / praying / positive energy sent wherever actually makes a difference, but I’d rather err on the side of generosity, since if nothing good really happens there’s still no harm, no foul. Besides, as long as there is a noble intent with helping others, at least the person thinking / praying feels better and regains some peace, whether or not the person is able to help in any other way, and what’s wrong with regaining inner peace? And besides, if something good actually happens via positive energy going out, there’s no shortage of people / places / things that need positive energy, so I’d think it’d go to wherever zen is most needed, whether by a science of energy transfer that hasn’t been documented yet or whether by direction of the universe (same thing, in my opinion). Your mileage may vary.

By the way, for anyone concerned, this is not a slam against skeptics, atheists, agnostics, etc. I’m skeptical enough to know the uselessness potential, but I’m also open-minded enough to see the potential possibilities. My point is, whatever you believe or don’t believe, don’t be a dick. Be a good human, help however you can, and encourage others to help in various ways without making them feel like shit. That’s all. Seriously, that's all. Don't read anything more complex into this besides "don't be a dick."

For what it's worth, I know it’s really easy to wish someone else well without attaching any kind of religion to it. I do that all the time and don’t consider that to be prayer, but some people do. Someone please remind me to do a sermon someday on the different types of prayer. The self-serving prayers piss me off. The overly formal and structured can annoy me, depending on context and environment. The needy prayers can go either way – praying “I want I want I want” like a spoiled brat is way different than praying “please don’t let my feet forget how to walk because I don’t want to fall down the stairs and bust my head open from motor skills wonkiness.” There’s also prayers via song, dance, etc., and burning candles should always be done safely under supervision. (Also, no burning of cheap-ass candles made in China, okay? You don’t want that crap in your air. If your prayers are valuable to you, buy better candles. Your lungs and your deity will thank you.) Oh, and prayers for smiting and vengeance and harm to others make me squirm…

Oh, and speaking of, thoughts, prayers, Reiki, fwaps, chicken sacrifices, etc., are most welcomed for the death and rebirth of my computer, if any of those are your thing. Thanks.

Ramblings on interconnectivity

I had a long, draining week last week, and I'm done with stressing over several projects at the workplace that are mostly done or in a hold pattern for now. My intellect is chalking my tiredness and feeling weirded out to not resting as I should, plus working on several writing things I haven’t worked on in far too long, including a poetry book, revamping a book on my cancer experience and other health crap, and a historical-based screenplay. I keep trying to insist to myself that I feel normal again, with pacing myself, except I feel somewhat awful and I hate having to pace myself.  I’ve also been hot flashing again and thinking how not fair it is to have to grow old, since this time the approaching menopause thing is more appropriately timed to normal life stuff instead of being in menopause early thanks to chemo. I think I’m already mentally old because I’m totally okay having been falling apart for forever, plus now I feel like I’m rambling all senile-like because I’m tired and need a nap. Well, I'm really not quite that tired, but I do have a headache, so napping seems like a reasonable thing to do. Um, but maybe not at 6:40 pm... drat.

Intellect aside, the rest of me thinks that it’s awfully strange for me to feel this awfully strange for the last few days… like, really angry and sucker-punchy and in tears at one point, but none of this has been hormonal or directed at anyone. I’m on a The Pill non-stop for endometriosis and haven’t had a period in years (and I LOVE THIS), but I wondered if it could’ve been hormonal since I recently changed BCPs (from Loestrin Fe 24 to Junel 1/20 due to cost). However, the differences in the inactive ingredients seemed way too slight to cause me to be all freaked out from feeling freaked out. Then I figured, the tears are from stubbornly trying to do things like normal while fibro flaring, since I’ve been hurting more than usual (stupid weather changing all crazy again), plus I get that way when I’m out of the microlingual B12 that works better than the rest of the B12s I’ve tried, and also Very Annoying Computer Issues Happening From Out Of Nowhere on top of pollen explosions worsening my allergies aren’t helping either.

I really should rest a bit more, with the not braining and not doing anything this week, but it occurred to me this afternoon that the last few days for me have been like when animals know that something’s coming and freak out even though they may not know why. I’ve actually done this a few times over the decades; the freakiest time was trying to talk with my pastor while in tears, not knowing why I was crying, speaking in a non-shaky voice and wondering what the hell was going on with me. He tried to console me but I was like, “Nothing is wrong with me. I really have no idea why this is happening!” A few days later, 9/11 happened, and I was like, oh, maybe that’s what I’ve been sensing. Weirder things have happened. So now I’m wondering if the explosions with the Boston Marathon are the same type thing, even though the skeptic part of my brain is all, “Yeah, right, whatever,” although the intuitive part of my brain is all, “What, again!?? Gaah already!”

There was a horrific bus accident about a mile from my home last week, so I’ve been thinking back to my disaster preparedness days and realizing how much I don’t miss that but how much I miss working in liturgy. I found a coworker of mine from several jobs ago too, working for one of the organizations involved with the local disaster response, who was a blast to work with but who’d disappeared… I’m pretty sure he hates me for trying to help him with a personal situation, but oh well. If I’m going to lose a friendship, I’m good with it if it’s for a good cause, like trying to get two people to work through relationship issues (especially when the person I’m trying to help really needs to stop making the same mistake multiple times), but I digress.

With today, I thought back to when I lived in Framingham years ago, and how I watched the beginning of the Boston Marathon one year in Hopkinton. That was cool. At my desk I heard from a coworker that everyone there preparing for our annual meeting was okay (the meeting hotel is really close to Copley Square) and it starts in a few days. I watched video of the first explosion, saw pics via news sites, read about the incident at the library, and I still can’t help but think of April 19, 1995, when I could’ve died in the Murrah Building in OKC had my schedule for the day gone as planned. I would’ve likely been finishing up or leaving the social security office from getting my name changed as I’d recently gotten married (for the first time; long story short, it lasted less than two years). I moved college class stuff around to have a day to do paperwork and home things, and naturally that was the day the bombing happened. Fortunately the alarm had been turned way down somehow (and it was checked twice the night before since we had a full day and needed to start early), so when that boom rattled the windows and shook the walls of my house, I wasn’t worried in the least. I figured it was some hotshot pilot buzzing nearby Tinker Air Force Base. Then there was panic and yelling from the radio when the alarm next went off, and I spent the following few hours glued to the television, jaw hitting the floor after realizing that’s where I should’ve been at the time. (The social security office was next to the daycare in the building.)

It’s kind of strange and funny to see how interconnected life can be sometimes. I’ve been thinking about that more lately, with things that happen over a span of years. Sure a lot of things are just coincidences and crazy random happenstances, but just stepping back and observing and connecting some dots can be interesting too, with things making a lot more sense in retrospect, sometimes. Like, did I become comfortable with working disaster preparedness things because of living in the environment with the Murrah explosion and the aftermath? Am I missing liturgy and sacred music more than usual lately because I’m surrounded by a completely different set of people these days so I don’t have as much opportunity to church nerd as much as I did before? Have I crossed into being officially old now because I don’t care about external things as much as I used to, except for how they can get me into living life more internally faster?

I think this may be too ambitious even for me (HA! – geez, I crack myself up sometimes), but I think some additions to my overall life plan may make retiring happen in a way better way. Since I really committed myself last year to writing a screenplay for someone else, I’ve noticed a lot of film people showing up in my life. I’m learning more about video production without even intending to get into that, and I’m wondering if this will help me make some connections for connections down the line in case the screenplay I end up with is so kickass that it simply has to be produced. This would be nice. This would mean more financial security and getting to do what I want to do much faster – namely move to New Mexico, start growing Chimayo chiles and whatever else, have a photography studio for me, get an art studio for Jefferson, chillax and travel whenever and wherever, and maybe do some consulting and selling of gourmet chile powder (note to self: check with brother-in-law on related spice things) and such as. I’ve even found a house off the side of a highway near Nambé Falls that seems like it would be perfect – out in the middle of nowhere but near enough to civilization for usefulness – and of course there’s no guarantee that it’ll still be available when I’m ready but it’s certainly being a good carrot right now, with getting me to get more of what I want to do done already. Of course, nothing I’ve planned is absolutely guaranteed to happen, plus I have to remember to take decent care of myself in the meantime, which means resting when I don’t want to, and I really am trying to not whine about resting but this is one of those times I’d like to have a 5-minute pity party before breaking all the glassware and dishes in celebration of my usual kicking of ass.

Okay, enough rambling. Heartfelt prayers and worries for everyone in Beantown.

Long ramblings on science, paranormality, the future of the Catholic church, and other stuff

"Well, this is going to take a long time, so you may want to get some snacks." - Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past from the Future, Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

Seriously. Go get some snacks. And something to drink. I’ve been typing this up off and on for almost a month, and it kinda got more verbose than I’d planned, and I don't feel like messing with it any further so it's going up. Apologies in advance for the freethought rambling; I haven't gone on for this long in a while, but there's a fair amount of interconnectivity, so there.

So. Ratzi retiring. What a bit of interesting history in the making. Anyone wondering about the whole process of what happens in transition can get a good overview with current players mentioned at this link.

A lot of stuff has been going around about how he’s been an ineffective pope, how he hasn’t done enough for those abused by priests, blah blah yada. That’s all true, but Palpatine is pretty old. At least he’s not stubbornly staying put like JPII did. I admire dedication to the death, but ministers can still minister outside of the job of ministry, and that’s all the papal position is, really – a position. Whoever’s in the role of pope is first and foremost a priest. Maybe Ratzi just wants to retire and kick back with his pretty manservant. More power to that hypocrite if so.

Practicing what I preach via plastic.

Quick context for the rest of this post: I was baptized Catholic as an infant but mom took me out when I was 5 or 6 so we could support one of her friends who started a church. I grew up with her going to a non-denominational church, my dad going to a Catholic church, me going to an Assemblies of God church since I had friends who went there, and going a few times to both of those plus a Kingdom Hall with my Jehovah’s Witnesses relatives. I have a ton of friends who follow some form of organized religion (not necessarily Christian) or somewhat organized spirituality, and just as many friends who are totally atheist / agnostic / secular humanist. My husband is very well versed in scriptures of many faiths (we have a nice collection in our library), is a preacher’s kid, and lives in tune with Wakan Tanka, but is most assuredly an avowed agnostic. We have some different perspectives regarding some spiritual things since I’m an avowed pantheist, but it’s all good. Technically, I’m more of a Zen Catholic who does not practice much at all, but I consider myself a pantheist because my definition of God is everything in the multiverses that we do and do not yet know about, and my church is nature. For what it’s worth, I’m also a card-carrying ordained Spiritual Humanist because I have no problems holding dichotomies. I also need to renew my JREF membership one of these years.

For those who don’t know how my weird mind works, I’m definitely a skeptic but mysterious and paranormal things fascinate me. I had a somewhat mysterious experience while waking up on Christmas morning one year, and I’d gone through RCIA within the year or two before to get back into being a good Catholic. In researching Catholic this and that, I came across information about stigmata, and reading about Catherine of Siena having invisible stigmata fascinated me, since that Christmas morning I’d dreamed about religiousy Christmasy things (probably from wanting to go to midnight mass but not going) and woke up with pain in the palms of my hands and feet. It didn’t go away after a few months, and I knew there had to be a scientific-based explanation for it, so I learned a lot about how the mind can create things that aren’t there (like false memories), how emotions can affect the physical body, kundalini rising, stigmata in history, everything. I also tried to figure out what it meant to be Catholic (wow is that varied) and reconcile that to what I was experiencing since I had no other context for it.

Long story short, 11 or so years later I found that it had to do with a severe deficiency in B12 and that I had been experiencing the related peripheral neuropathy. What kills me is that I could’ve found out after only 5 years of not knowing. A naturopath started me on B12 sublingual to help me build back my system after each round of chemo for breast cancer, and she was expecting me to feel really awesome after a few weeks. Nope. Nothing. She was astonished. She thought out loud, saying it could be due to a B12 deficiency, but then immediately dismissed that since B12 deficiencies of that level were rare. Heh. I’m a magnet / poster child for very rare things happening, so I should have figured it out then. (I blame chemo brain for the oversight.) Years later, when my primary care physician’s assistant checked my levels, she found the deficiency and started me on B12 shots. I ended up having to have 1,000 cc IM something like twice a week or each week, then every two weeks for over a year. Normally I would’ve gone to a monthly schedule after three months if memory’s correct, but I noticed involuntary eye twitching right before my biweekly injection, and found out about that involuntary twitching being a sign of possible deficiency, so just kept with it. I got to feeling better, but to feel more “normal” I take 2,000 IU microlingual methylcobalamin each morning, and I still do 1 cc liquid cyanocobalamin for when I know I’m running low, like after getting nitrous at the dentist’s office or while recovering from a cold. Incidentally, it was not fun to personally learn that liquid B12 has an expiration date for a reason.

So yeah, f yeah, science! There is always something scientific for everything mysterious and paranormal, and to me, anything genuinely paranormal just hasn’t been explained by science yet. Take intuition. There’s a fair amount of woo attached to a simple human sense, and that’s just so strange to me. Some people are more in touch with their perceptive abilities than others are, just like some people are supertasters,have absolute pitch, great echolocation, etc. Intuition is just another regular sense.

I’m also very aware of how people use mysterious events to try to control the behavior of others. When I heard the breaking news about the pope resigning, because of my fascination with the mysterious and paranormal, I naturally thought about the Third Secret of Fatima. (I also thought about the whole list of popes prophesied by St. Malachy thing, but I’ll get to that later.) Sure, most people will dismiss the Third Secret as a bunch of malarkey, but I’ve been intrigued with how Joey Ratz has involved himself with it.

Long story short, back in the day, God’s mama told some kids that some crap was gonna go down, and that the guys heading Holy Mother Church needed to pay attention to it and maybe say some prayers and live better so that it wouldn’t be so bad. The guys in charge were like, nope!, for whatever reasons (likely power plays and other blah). Some of the guys have tried to cover things up and misdirect others about what the crap is all about. There are a lot of conspiracy theories about the Third Secret and the “grain of salt” perspective works well in reading them; some history can be found here,  and this page has kind of a nice overview of some things. (Personally, I can see the making known of the scope of abuse issues as the big huge destructive thing that helps with renewal of the overall organization into something better, but some people aren’t into that.) Some guys have laid hints down throughout time in order for there to be a bread crumb trail to follow in case a course correction is needed. Ratzi seems to be one of those latter guys. As Cardinal, he was kinda involved with stating somethings about the Third Secret for the record, and as Pope, he’s mentioned that the whole shebang isn’tconcluded yet. 

So what’s the crap? Basically there’s corruption in high places in the church, and that’s a Bad Thing. *shrug* Having worked at the chancery of a Catholic diocese for five years, I know some things about the behind-the-scenes mindsets, and that perspective is totally right on.  Totally solid. I could see compromises in not just business decisions but in overall Vatican orders barked at us. Rewording the Mass in English to make it more true to the literal Latin still grates on my nerves, but that’s a personal preference (shared by some of the priests I talked with while trying to get their feedback on the then-suggested translations; not all evolution in theological understanding is good evolution, but meh). I’m not schooled in theology so I leave that up to the experts, but I’m wrinkling my nose as I do.

As far as internal strife, yeah. The tension between Bishops Grahmann and Galante was so thick some days it was like molasses to walk through, but that situation was a bit weird to begin with. (Normally, another bishop is brought in when one’s about to leave, but the one there wasn’t leaving, and so the other ended up being transferred some years later… yeah, awkward.) That tension, along with the molestation madness exploding, along with there being a bankruptcy plan on the shelf due to lawsuits against the diocese for local abuse issues, was enough to make me consider leaving the liturgical work that I really really really loved doing. Not only was I using my music education degree, I was all up ons with ritual. I loves me some ritual! And browsing catalogs full of vestments and shiny communion vessels and furniture…. Good times, good times. I should’ve left it sooner than I did, but I’m still grateful for the health insurance benefits I had through the diocese while I was still there, ‘cos unexpected triple negative breast cancer at age 30 was a bitch. It was even harder to see two occasional coworkers from there pass away from breast cancer. Both were older than I was; one had the aggressive form I did and the other had the usual kind that came back and metastatized within two years after having a mastectomy. The survivor’s guilt was pretty horrible.

It seems like the big thing about the Third Secret from this and from other tidbits scattered across the interweb is that because of the corruption of the church from within, Catholics everywhere are losing their faith. Some guy alluded to the loss of faith of a continent being worse than a ton of people being annihilated or something like that. This whole notion of people falling away from churchy things is really kind of a duh nowadays though, and not just in the Catholic realm.

Hold that thought while I mention the Malachy thing. Another long story short (did you get some snacks?), some guy allegedly called a dragon to weave a mist, no, wait. So this other guy wrote some buzzwords for all the popes who’d pope over the next few hundred years, and in some cases they’ve been eerily matchy-matchy (especially with JPII). We’re at the end of the list, and some Catholics are all, “this is the end!” while other Catholics are all, “there could be any number of popes between the current Doctor and his last incarnation, and the number could be totally different now since River Song used the rest of hers to bring Eleven back”…. oh wait, uh…. Well, some say there could be a gap between the next to last pope on Malachy’s list and the for reals last pope. Whatevs. There's been recent talk about it again, anyway.

Although I’m fascinated by prophecies and would love to be the Oracle of Delphi for Hallowe’en someday (someone get me the funny gases for authenticity, or maybe just some absinthe), my opinion of them is best stated by Londo Mollari (Babylon 5, "The Very Long Night of Londo Mollari"):

“Prophecy is a guess that comes true. When it doesn't, it's a metaphor. You could put a gun to your head tomorrow and pull the trigger, and then the dream is just a dream and the prophecy is just a metaphor… and so are you."

With the freshness of the Mayan non-apocalypse of 2012 in mind, and the buzzwords of end times and penitence and all that jazz, and with the power plays of the bishops and Vatican and Third Secret in mind, you know what? Ratzi is right.

Seriously. You heard me. Ratzi is right. And one (like me) doesn’t have to like him in the least to see that, with the concern about sensationalism. The whole thing with atheism as an evil taking over the world though… yeah, that’s not. It’s just life happening. Nothing to see here. Move along. Of course abusers molesting children is sensationalist. Of course people who have had faith are losing it. These things are connected in some cases, but in many many many other cases, atheism is just the natural evolution of seeing what religion is supposed to do and epically failing at it. I have friends who were devout Christians in a past life but have dropped at least some of their beliefs because of the power of education. Some still minister in churchy ways because they genuinely want to help others still, especially with when deconstruction of faith happens, and more power to them. That’s a tough path to go on.

See, in my opinion (which is considered a bona fide fact by many), religion is supposed to be like training wheels. You learn the basics, then ride however you want, AFTER you learn the consequences of what might happen if you’re not responsible with protecting yourself. At that point, you’re supposed to learn on your own about what’s best for you. Organized religion is nothing more than “How to be a Good Human 101, now with character stories!” It’s like, you know how those 613 laws in the Old Testament are still followed by some Jews but are not followed by Christians living a New Testament life? What works for some doesn’t work for others. Some people need more structure than others in order to live a good, decent, human life, with continual learning on how to best interact with fellow humans. Some people live best in a comfort zone of a tight-knit supportive community that doesn’t get shaken up by new ideas, and as long as they’re not hurting anyone, more power to them too.

The kicker is, there are a LOT of people who hide behind religion and use it as a shield to cover up whatever crap they know they’re doing. You know, like ultra-religious conservative politicians who want to legislate body parts of others without even having any real education on how said parts work, or even having said parts, because that’s what Jeeeeesus would want. Like well-meaning people who are complete bigots and racists because they don’t know any better, because they were taught a certain way and are unable and/or unwilling to think for themselves and evolve. Like those who refuse to see things like gay marriage as a civil rights issue completely outside of any religious context.

The real kicker is, most atheists are way more ethical, generous, and better people than a lot of people involved with religion. I’m not saying that everyone in a faith system is doing it wrong. Far from it. I’m just saying that religion is just one way to learn how to be a good person. Some people don’t need the threat of anything divine in order to be a good person. That’s just how it is. There are also assholes in every group, and that goes for atheist circles as well as Christian circles, but thankfully there are many more good people than asses.

So. To recap, or something, since I’m still rambling: Sensationalism with loss of faith is really nothing big these days. In the early twentieth century, yeah, that would be a huge deal, but not now. Damn hippies in the 60s, right? *smirk* Loss of faith a natural thing that happens to a lot of people who grew up with serious church attending and holy book reading and giving of money and all that. The more one learns about a faith, and about other faiths, and about non-faiths, the more it’s obvious that religion is mainly used to keep a segment of people under some sort of control. Analogies of ALMIGHTY GAWWWWWD and the Tooth Fairy and Santa are totally right on, and one doesn’t have to like it in the least for it to be true. And it’s definitely true.

Pantheist me still finds wonder and mystery and a sense of divinity in nature and in science, in how we humans connect with each other across time and space, and in how we interact and continue to grow during life. Evolution is natural. It’d just be nice for the science to catch up more with some of the seemingly paranormal stuff, like intuition. Humans have way more than 5 senses (some say we have like 21 or so), and there’s no reason we need to keep limiting ourselves just because some people insist on outdated information. Living with outdated information is like adults still participating as a child would in children’s church, and it’s completely unnecessary and sometimes dangerous. Someone might try to take advantage of you, knowing that you like living in cushy touchy feely certainties (that aren’t really certainties, but who’s going to tell you that? Nobody, that’s who).

Evolve, if you already aren't. You'll thank yourself for it later.

An Exercise in Passive-Aggressive Speaking

I learned a long time ago that blowing up at someone over frustrations not only with that person but with others in past similar relationships is not a good thing to do. Particularly when said person emails back a response explaining a few areas where you are wrong. And then you burn that response (with literal fire) and kick yourself for about a decade for doing so because reading those words would've saved a lot of grief over said decade. But I digress.

Instead of blowing up at one of my homies over being the latest of a few friends who've defriended me on Facebook over the years without any hint as to why, I just have a few words to mumble out into the ethers. I figured I'd spew forth said verbage as an exercise in passive aggressive speaking because passive aggressive people are so incredibly joyous to speak with that I've been making it an art form for far too long. I'd like to try to get into that mindset so I can understand those f'd up people a bit more, so here goes:

What the hell kind of crack are you smoking, son? Did you get a bad batch?

I realize you probably took something I said the wrong way, right after I specifically said, "Now don't take this the wrong way," but dude, unfriending? When it's realllllly easy to not-quite-block-but-limit-posts-of-someone from your newsfeed with settings? When Graph Search doesn't even track status anything or other seemingly important this and thats? That's just lazy, man. Damn sloppy.

Of course, maybe it's not from anything to do with that. Maybe it's from something someone else said about me, that I can only assume happened/isn't true, because I'd also assume we were on such a cool level that you'd point blank ask me about the what the hell, and then I'd find out that I was wrong about that. This isn't my first rodeo, and of course those people weren't as cool as you are, but dude, if so, what the hell?

Oh wait. You're a pod person who forgot to reprogram your new self to remember me. Got it. I'll send you the good crack for your next birthday.

Oh, wait, is that it? Feeling any sort of obligation about gifting or carding that doesn't exist to me? You know I have a habit of buying things for gifting, just whenever, and I apologize for carting over a bagful to you but I've been dealing with some pesky health issues for a few years and just haven't caught up with catching up with life so please excuse my horrible tardiness. Or not. But really, if you think you have to get me anything for any reason, you're sadly mistaken. I would have thought you would have known me better than that, with my insistence that gifts should be actual true gifts, without expectation of reciprocation at all. Geez, I hope that's not it... but if it is, huh. Weird.

I figured I'd mention these thoughts just to get them out of my system, because I've been over holding toxic grudges or mistaken feelings for a long time. It doesn't really matter to me if you hear about this or read it or not, really, and I do have better things to do, like photo editing, but I feel like ass from amoxicillin so I'm unable to sleep, so naturally I'm up wondering I can do to help myself feel better. This isn't much... hell, it's nothing, really, but it's something, and it could be useful for getting back to my natural zen self, and grasshopper, you know I talk way too much about anything sometimes because I'm all about educating people. I have a degree for that and everything! Plus I don't blog as much as I'd like to, so hey, multitasking for awesomeness shiny life groove! Pants! Farts! Fire!

Besides, I respect you enough to leave you alone if you want to be left alone, and besides, it'd be kinda awkward asking about how you're doing indirectlyish, like asking my spouse to ask you what's up, or asking your spouse what's up with you, both via Facebook. Especially when we've been acquainted with each other since like 1986 or 1987 or thereabouts. Heh, even the ex-spouse and I are on good speaking terms, and not like we speak to each other any more than you and I have for forever, but still. Hey, remember that one time when I was going through that divorce, and you and I went to the mall with his then-not-yet-wife's baby, and we three looked like a happy family but were not related to each other in the least? Yeah, good times. Yeah.

So anyways, hi. Or not. Whatevs. It's been real, whatever way.

And damn. I realize that I've been way too specific in speaking my mind here still, and so I have a long way to go before I can ever master passive aggressive vagueness. Damn! I thought I was so close! Utter fail!

And there's something else I was going to mention, but of course I can't remember what it is. I'm blaming the amoxicillin. I never had a problem with it all those zillions of times I took it for sinus issues while growing up, and I'm surprised I actually got a prescription for it but I guess that's due to the bad reactions with macrolide antibiotics and doxycycline and Keflex... sigh. I hate being puky.

Oh - that was it - I've been wondering about these things for three or four weeks now, and am just now verbalizing these things externally. Normally I'd just wait a few days and then see what's up, but I've been awfully detached about that. The new eightfold software integration must have gone well. Beep beep bloop honk.

Decisions, Decisions.

I make the best boob cake. For reals.
Just ask my husband.

One of my goals for 2013 is to finish (or at least have at least 70% done by when I turn 40 later this year) writing about my personal experiences with triple negative breast cancer. I figure that although I hate puky pink breast cancer awareness month (because we have way too much awareness and not enough action), marketing a book or two or at least some freelance articles for boob cancer month might be nice, since it'll be my 10 year anniversary in November and I'd love to fund a fun party with homemade boob cake for lots of friends. Seriously.

(FYI - boob cake is best when it's red velvet with whipped buttercream icing. Also, it's fun to see the expression on the faces of people during the eating process.)

Naturally, I've been going back and forth for years about how to best get everything down. I know that I want to make it relatable for patients, caregivers, and families with easy-to-understand medical jargon. I also want to make it clinical enough to educate medical professionals and researchers from a patient's point of view. I originally thought that I'd just publish the blog I wrote for a few years through everything, but then I thought about publishing more of a narrative story kinda chickeny soupy like, and then I thought doing both at once could bring in more fundage and move me to New Mexico more quickly.

Long story short, I have a better grasp of what I want to include (stuff like autoimmune crap and prescription roulette and caregiver burnout and worries about income and employment along with surprise breast cancer at age 30), but I'd love to get some feedback about the styling. I've asked this already, years ago, but I'm asking again since I know lots more people now, I'm back to indecision, and I want to use my time this year as effectively as possible.

So:

Narrative, Blog (edit: without so many exclamation marks and with lots more cutting to a decent size), or Both?

Examples below. Tell me via comment for this entry on my Facebook page (facebook.com/lindasbecker). Thanks in advance.

NARRATIVE:

July 2004 saw me getting back into a semi-normal life routine of never-ending visits to physicians. Dr. Onco (my oncologist) thrilled me by being so excited about my hair growing back! There wasn't much, but I definitely had an externally fuzzy head. The internal thought fuzziness still lingered but at least I got cuter.

He again suggested that I look into genetic counseling, since the BRCA 1 and BRCA 2 genes are often found in people who have the type of cancer I had, and I promised that I would look into it. I also decided to look up the gynecologist who did my laparoscopy in 1998 as Dr. Onco thought my increasing pelvic pain was likely due to endometriosis acting up again. I really didn't want to deal with it and I wish I could've stayed in faux menopause, but there was no way I'd go through chemo again just for that sweet relief.

My visit to Dr. Gyno frustrated me so much that I fired him (without telling him so). The options he gave me were to do hormones (nixed due to the breast cancer), get pregnant (no way in hell), or have another surgery, and so the approach was to wait and see. I liked Dr. Gyno and I understood his perspective since nothing abnormal showed up on any of the tests he did, but at the time I wanted good options and I wanted them right then. I did not want to wait until September for a reevaluation. Having pain in the exact same spot for seven years got more than frustrating every so often, and the visit was on one of those days.

You know what really sucked most of all? Getting the pelvic exam done by a guy gynecologist. Sorry but not having the same parts as the parts being examined makes a significant difference in post-procedure ouchiness.

BLOG:

Tuesday, July 13, 2004 | 7:05 PM

Good news – I saw my oncologist yesterday and not only was he very happy that my hair is coming in super-duper fast (!), but both the CT scan and MRI were clear! He did poke and prod me though, and after all was said and done, he feels that my pelvic pain is the endometriosis still, which seems the most likely explanation but would be odd since I’m still in menopause, and endo is supposed to go away at menopause. Since the pain has varied from day to day, week to week, and has felt different (from sharp and stabbing to cramping to dull and toothachy, and back, etc.), he reminded me that my hormones and body chemistry are still out of whack from the chemo, and suggested that I get checked out by a gyno soon since I didn’t need to be in this sort of pain. I’m probably going to look up the gyno who did my endo surgery some years ago, as he’d have my records from then anyway. Perhaps it’s just adhesions everywhere. He also suggested genetic counseling again (to see my risk of ovarian cancer since it’s related to breast cancer), so I need to find that paperwork and get that done.

Otherwise, things are good. I still have sharp shooting pains where the tumor was, I’m peeling where the radiation has tanned me, and the skin is kinda itchy there but it’s not terribly bad. I see my oncologist again in four months, and he also said yesterday that I might start to start feeling better energy-wise in six months!

--

Monday, July 19, 2004 | 6:42 PM

This morning I saw the gyno who did my laparoscopy in 1998. After the usual "well woman" tests and a sonogram, I found that I don't have any cysts or anything, my ovaries and the rest of my junk looks normal, and I could still have endo or maybe not - it's too fine to show up on the sonogram. The current advice, again, is to "wait and see." This doesn't sit well with me, as I've had this pelvic pain in the exact same damn location for, oh, *looks at watch* SEVEN YEARS NOW. Dammit.

I have three treatment choices to choose from. One - hormones. They took me off the pill due to the breast cancer, so scratch that. Two - pregnancy. Yeah, right. This doc knows that we're not going to start a family intentionally, so that's out too. (Besides, he told me in 1998 that I should try to get preggers within a year or two, as I may not be able to in five, and it's past five years now.) Three - surgery. He's not keen on another surgery, but we'll reevaluate in late September. Grrmph.

I'm also looking into any other possible explanation for the pelvic pain, since I haven't menstruated since January. A hernia? Osteitis? I don't know!!!! I do apparently have a yeast infection, although I'm not experiencing any burning or itching, so I have a week of treatment with plungery stuff. I'm thinking that it might be due to either the spermicide, the antibiotics I took recently, or maybe an increased cereal intake (candida supposedly thrives on breads, so maybe grains too?). At any rate, that's just one more thing I didn't need to deal with.

--

Tuesday, July 27, 2004 | 5:29 PM

The pelvic pain has seemed to have gotten better lately, which I'm thankful for. I was *really* hurting the day after the recent exam, probably because a guy gyno did everything (no offense but you guys don't have the mechanics we do, especially down there). Everything turned out well overall, and my overall skin exam with another new doctor (dermatologist) went fine too! I just have benign stuff going on there - on my statement I've been given three different codes under "diagnosis" for 1) angiokeratoma, nevus site unsp., 2) hemangioma and 3) dermatoheliosis. The aged skin I apparently have isn't from laying out in the sun, so I think it's probably from the floreluminescenty lighting at all of my workplaces over the years. Crap. At least I still look like I'm questionably 21, since I got CARDED last Wednesday!

What's funny is that my radiologist goes to the same dermatologist I'm now going to. I see him in the morning for a checkup, and I'm sure that'll go smoothly. The affected boob is doing just fine although my nice tan from the radiation is going away. I'm still feeling some shooting pains there from time to time, where the tumor was, but it's nothing a Darvocet can't handle.

My hair is growing back still and is now long enough for me to have bedhead! I'm also now published, kinda - Planet Cancer posted my breast cancer haiku on their insights page. Nifty!