I feel weird. I've been trying to not get caught up in the national horrified pause with hushed discussions about gun control and mental health post-Sandy Hook. I'd been doing a good job of it, too, until I read the transcript of the speech that cut into Bob's Burgers yesterday. (Hubby and I just turned off the TV when the show was paused. Yay for future reruns.) I misted up a bit, then felt awkward.
See, I've known since I was 20 that I don't want to have children. Why? (Damn, I wish I knew where my list of reasons was. That'd save me a lot of braining right now.) Among other smaller reasons lost in the fibro fog:
1 - I have a frightening amount of health issues that I would not wish on anyone else, and imho, to intentionally create a human with potential to have said issues is just horribly irresponsible. It's not just that there are a lot of issues - it's a lot of interconnected small issues with the bigger issues. Sure, I kicked the ass of triple negative breast cancer, but the treatment for that was a bit harsh on my system, and I'd already been dealing with endometriosis, fibromyalgia, and familial hypertension before that. Since then, with the Primary Sjogren's Syndrome and related occasional gastritis and mild gastroparesis, and the never-ending prescription roulette and dosage adjustment carousel, things kinda suck more. The long-standing genetic depression doesn't help, either. No way I'd intentionally inflict all of this on my own child/ren.
2 - You know that expression about how having a child is like having your heart walking around outside of your body? I would so suck with that. I would very much spectacularly epically fail with that. I would have to be committed long term if anything happened to my offspring. I can see myself totally cracking and having a complete breakdown. This is mostly why I've been avoiding as much as possible a lot of news about the aftermath of the shootings - sometimes having a sensitive heart really fucking sucks. Yes, I'm using caregiver-type coping skills and talking with people privately about related topics, but if I stop to really think about it for more than two minutes I'd just stop crying in about 3 days. Focusing on promoting needed changes in productive dialogue re: mental health and gun control is a much better use of my energy. I'll grieve with the collective another day.
3 - I would also be a horrible parent, with micromanaging due to overworrying. I'm afraid I would end up being one of those stage mothers that embarrasses their kids through smothering thick gooey love, and That Is Not Okay. That Is Not Okay At All. I also would be a horrible parent with not having the energy to care for a child. I can barely manage to take care of myself some days, even with a TON of awesome medications and nutritional supplements and an Extremely Helpful Husband. You parents who have to deal with autoimmune/chronic illnesses while raising children get 5 standing ovations and a bouquet of boxes of chocolate and vodka from me. Those of you who desperately want children but are unable to have any of your own get those plus extra gentle hugs from me. I know that sure, adoption is doable in most cases, and I am totally all for adoption!, but I also know it wouldn't be the same as having your own heart walking around outside of your body, and hopefully combined with the heart of someone you love on top of that.
Hubby likewise doesn't want children, and we wouldn't be married to each other if either of us had wanted children. He'd rather have the money, as would I, which is part of why I feel weird, but the decision to have and raise a child is more than that and is a way huge deal. Too many non-fit parents are out there; knowing that I would likely be one on top of passing down the health crap makes me feel that *not* having kids is my responsibility. I'm happy to interact with children of all ages (I have a degree in PK-12 vocal music education after all!) but I'm very relieved and glad that I don't have any of my own to care for. I'd do much better with critters anyway. It'd be ideal to have a Samoyed or Chocolate Lab or a Nebelung or an iguana or bearded dragons or guinea pigs or a chinchilla or combination of critters, knowing I wouldn't hurt as much if something terrible happened. I was a mess when my chinchilla died and I still miss my Nebelung but it's all good because I never had to deal with caring for part of me outside of me. I don't think I would ever get over any of that, over the joy and wonder and heartbreak and worry and worry and much more worry and micromanaging and laughter and sunshine and tears.... it's too much for me to handle, and I'm not ashamed to say so. I don't consider myself weak at all - it's just not in my programming. Some people are wired this way. And now I'm rambling.
I could ramble on about the mental health and gun control issues, but I won't. Suffice it to say that there should be way more education and yearly maintenance of gun permit/licensure requirements, and that there should not be a stigma about getting needed help for mental health. Health is health. Education can prevent loss of life. These are not difficult concepts to put into livable reality.
To those of you with children, treat them very well. Love them like you love yourself. Love yourself like you love them. You never know when they might be gone forever. You never know when you'll be gone forever. Both of my parents have been deceased for years (just over 24 for mom and almost 7 for dad), and thinking about how they would be living and reacting now if they were alive is such a trip. I can see parts of both of them in myself, and I'm so thankful that they helped to shape me into who I've become so far, but a part of me is extra appreciative of the sacrifices they made to make sure that I had a nice experience with growing up. All children should have a good experience with life. We need to make sure that adult children get the care they need and also understand how important some responsibilities are.
See, I've known since I was 20 that I don't want to have children. Why? (Damn, I wish I knew where my list of reasons was. That'd save me a lot of braining right now.) Among other smaller reasons lost in the fibro fog:
1 - I have a frightening amount of health issues that I would not wish on anyone else, and imho, to intentionally create a human with potential to have said issues is just horribly irresponsible. It's not just that there are a lot of issues - it's a lot of interconnected small issues with the bigger issues. Sure, I kicked the ass of triple negative breast cancer, but the treatment for that was a bit harsh on my system, and I'd already been dealing with endometriosis, fibromyalgia, and familial hypertension before that. Since then, with the Primary Sjogren's Syndrome and related occasional gastritis and mild gastroparesis, and the never-ending prescription roulette and dosage adjustment carousel, things kinda suck more. The long-standing genetic depression doesn't help, either. No way I'd intentionally inflict all of this on my own child/ren.
2 - You know that expression about how having a child is like having your heart walking around outside of your body? I would so suck with that. I would very much spectacularly epically fail with that. I would have to be committed long term if anything happened to my offspring. I can see myself totally cracking and having a complete breakdown. This is mostly why I've been avoiding as much as possible a lot of news about the aftermath of the shootings - sometimes having a sensitive heart really fucking sucks. Yes, I'm using caregiver-type coping skills and talking with people privately about related topics, but if I stop to really think about it for more than two minutes I'd just stop crying in about 3 days. Focusing on promoting needed changes in productive dialogue re: mental health and gun control is a much better use of my energy. I'll grieve with the collective another day.
3 - I would also be a horrible parent, with micromanaging due to overworrying. I'm afraid I would end up being one of those stage mothers that embarrasses their kids through smothering thick gooey love, and That Is Not Okay. That Is Not Okay At All. I also would be a horrible parent with not having the energy to care for a child. I can barely manage to take care of myself some days, even with a TON of awesome medications and nutritional supplements and an Extremely Helpful Husband. You parents who have to deal with autoimmune/chronic illnesses while raising children get 5 standing ovations and a bouquet of boxes of chocolate and vodka from me. Those of you who desperately want children but are unable to have any of your own get those plus extra gentle hugs from me. I know that sure, adoption is doable in most cases, and I am totally all for adoption!, but I also know it wouldn't be the same as having your own heart walking around outside of your body, and hopefully combined with the heart of someone you love on top of that.
Hubby likewise doesn't want children, and we wouldn't be married to each other if either of us had wanted children. He'd rather have the money, as would I, which is part of why I feel weird, but the decision to have and raise a child is more than that and is a way huge deal. Too many non-fit parents are out there; knowing that I would likely be one on top of passing down the health crap makes me feel that *not* having kids is my responsibility. I'm happy to interact with children of all ages (I have a degree in PK-12 vocal music education after all!) but I'm very relieved and glad that I don't have any of my own to care for. I'd do much better with critters anyway. It'd be ideal to have a Samoyed or Chocolate Lab or a Nebelung or an iguana or bearded dragons or guinea pigs or a chinchilla or combination of critters, knowing I wouldn't hurt as much if something terrible happened. I was a mess when my chinchilla died and I still miss my Nebelung but it's all good because I never had to deal with caring for part of me outside of me. I don't think I would ever get over any of that, over the joy and wonder and heartbreak and worry and worry and much more worry and micromanaging and laughter and sunshine and tears.... it's too much for me to handle, and I'm not ashamed to say so. I don't consider myself weak at all - it's just not in my programming. Some people are wired this way. And now I'm rambling.
I could ramble on about the mental health and gun control issues, but I won't. Suffice it to say that there should be way more education and yearly maintenance of gun permit/licensure requirements, and that there should not be a stigma about getting needed help for mental health. Health is health. Education can prevent loss of life. These are not difficult concepts to put into livable reality.
To those of you with children, treat them very well. Love them like you love yourself. Love yourself like you love them. You never know when they might be gone forever. You never know when you'll be gone forever. Both of my parents have been deceased for years (just over 24 for mom and almost 7 for dad), and thinking about how they would be living and reacting now if they were alive is such a trip. I can see parts of both of them in myself, and I'm so thankful that they helped to shape me into who I've become so far, but a part of me is extra appreciative of the sacrifices they made to make sure that I had a nice experience with growing up. All children should have a good experience with life. We need to make sure that adult children get the care they need and also understand how important some responsibilities are.
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