I've been in a brooding funk for the last few days. It's kinda like when I get into a severely depressive funk, except instead of feeling absolutely immobile from sadness, I've been feeling pensive. Broody. Funky in a broody way. But this year, I'm looking around me and realizing a little more how things are just fucked up.
During the bottom of each year, I usually think about death and dying. It's a seasonal thing. However, instead of pining for relatives and friends who have been long gone (or short gone), I think about the living and how I wish some of them would just die so I can talk with them all the time in that whole communion of saints thing. Then I think that's awfully selfish of me, because if they're not talking with me now, why would they want to talk with me then?, but then I know some of them aren't able to because of physical infirmities, not because they don't want to but because they can't, and then I feel a little better (though a bit self-directed, which I'm more okay with as years pass but I think I'm worrying about appearing selfish instead of continuing to be self-involved or self-conscious or reflectivey or whatever. Woo, tangent).
So the latest mass casualty event from some nut shooting off ammo has resulted in tons more people spouting out about how laws need to change, how gun control needs to be enforced, blah blah blah. It's the same old shit over and over. People go apeshit and stockpile guns and equipment as if they're going to be outlawed, which is not going to happen ever, and I think some kind of horrific record has been set with the amounts purchased. Three and a half years of ammo purchased in three days. What. The. Fuck. Seriously, setting the bar this high is going to result in even more fucked-up-ness next time (and there's always a next time because people are more interested in talking than doing - I'm looking at you, Congress). Priorities really need to change soon, in the focusing-on-helping-other-people beneficial kind of way, with this.
Priorities about money are confusing me right now though. From reading about how people have to worry about credit score while dating to learning about tights that are as good as (if not better than) pantyhose to contemplating why I spend around $800 on pantyhose each year, I'm feeling a little bewildered. I didn't realize pantyhose was "out" although I know plenty of people who hate wearing it and favor wearing flip-flops everywhere. (Oh shit, are flip-flops out yet?)
Unless I'm wearing jeans at work, I wear pantyhose because of several reasons. I'm used to it being mandatory at the office environments I find myself in, for starters. I also like feeling all properly dressed and finished and all professional. I take myself more seriously in hose, anyway, and I know that my self-confidence is boosted when I wear it (and this definitely helps with my being 5'2" and trying to relate professionally to tall people). The mild compression (Sheer Energy represent!) helps me to not worry about having a DVT while stuck at a desk, since I take non-stop birth control pills for the endometriosis, plus the leg support is nice.
Granted, I spend less than $800 on hose because each pair lasts an average of two to four wearings (I'm careful plus am no stranger to using clear nail polish to stop small runs). Whatever I end up not spending on hose due to frugality goes towards insanely awesome apples (Ambrosia represent!), so it's all good, but now I'm wondering how I must sound to my friends on Facebook who don't know me very well.
(Not like I care what people think of me, because I don't, but I'm trying to get into the habit of seeing how I may be perceived by other people. You know, for when I become famous.)
I know as a society, with the crappy economy (and credit score asking now? Really?!?) and slowish recovery, it's considered bad form to brag about being able to afford groceries, or something. Can we like, be happy about having a good job and affording things, at all yet? I may spend a ton of money on pantyhose, and I can afford to have a car payment for the next (zillion) years, but I do cut back elsewhere. Hell, I cut back elsewhere so I can afford to give money to people in need, when I'm able. Sure I don't have the latest greatest iWidget or Droidy-whatever, and what I have tends to not work well way too much of the time, but what I have makes me happy enough to want to spend my money elsewhere, on other things that make me happy and/or healthy. Like Ambrosia apples. Like Active Release Techniques (tm) for my continually wonky ribs and ankle. Like too many appointments with specialists and nutritional supplements and medications to help me have a decent quality of life instead of being stuck in bed and only able to work not as much as before, continually worried about the next round of disability denial while unemployed. That was me last year, but this year I'm working full time again (for the first time in five years, huzzah!) and able to afford the medical care I need, and able to afford the pantyhose that help me kick ass at what I do. Can I celebrate that out loud yet instead of worrying about offending anyone with my happiness? I still can't afford things that a lot of people have, that make them happy (vacations... hell, even long weekends away from normal life), but that's because my priorities are different. I'm happy with not traveling and seeing the world as often since I am ensuring I have a good quality of life... okay, I could be way happier about that. By a lot. But that's okay. I can deal.
Priorities are different for everyone. Mine are kinda not the same as most people's priorities, I think, but that's okay. Unless most people are expecting to be in a firefight with a well-organized militia, and sorry but I can't help with that. I'm not sure where I was going with all of this except to say I really don't like being in a broody funk because I think way too much. I also don't like not having the energy I remember having a few months ago, when it was warmer and I was bitching about being too hot, because now it's cold and I love the cold but my body is not having a fun time moving with it cold out. I do like these vegetables I'm having for dinner though - I like oven-roasting vegetables with coriander and curry and olive oil, but tonight I found some three-week-old snow peas in the fridge (still good for the most part!) so oven-roasted those with broccoli and red onion in a little bit of thickish teriyaki glaze instead of olive oil because I'm a fucking genius. These veggies are *outstandingly good*.
During the bottom of each year, I usually think about death and dying. It's a seasonal thing. However, instead of pining for relatives and friends who have been long gone (or short gone), I think about the living and how I wish some of them would just die so I can talk with them all the time in that whole communion of saints thing. Then I think that's awfully selfish of me, because if they're not talking with me now, why would they want to talk with me then?, but then I know some of them aren't able to because of physical infirmities, not because they don't want to but because they can't, and then I feel a little better (though a bit self-directed, which I'm more okay with as years pass but I think I'm worrying about appearing selfish instead of continuing to be self-involved or self-conscious or reflectivey or whatever. Woo, tangent).
So the latest mass casualty event from some nut shooting off ammo has resulted in tons more people spouting out about how laws need to change, how gun control needs to be enforced, blah blah blah. It's the same old shit over and over. People go apeshit and stockpile guns and equipment as if they're going to be outlawed, which is not going to happen ever, and I think some kind of horrific record has been set with the amounts purchased. Three and a half years of ammo purchased in three days. What. The. Fuck. Seriously, setting the bar this high is going to result in even more fucked-up-ness next time (and there's always a next time because people are more interested in talking than doing - I'm looking at you, Congress). Priorities really need to change soon, in the focusing-on-helping-other-people beneficial kind of way, with this.
Priorities about money are confusing me right now though. From reading about how people have to worry about credit score while dating to learning about tights that are as good as (if not better than) pantyhose to contemplating why I spend around $800 on pantyhose each year, I'm feeling a little bewildered. I didn't realize pantyhose was "out" although I know plenty of people who hate wearing it and favor wearing flip-flops everywhere. (Oh shit, are flip-flops out yet?)
Unless I'm wearing jeans at work, I wear pantyhose because of several reasons. I'm used to it being mandatory at the office environments I find myself in, for starters. I also like feeling all properly dressed and finished and all professional. I take myself more seriously in hose, anyway, and I know that my self-confidence is boosted when I wear it (and this definitely helps with my being 5'2" and trying to relate professionally to tall people). The mild compression (Sheer Energy represent!) helps me to not worry about having a DVT while stuck at a desk, since I take non-stop birth control pills for the endometriosis, plus the leg support is nice.
Granted, I spend less than $800 on hose because each pair lasts an average of two to four wearings (I'm careful plus am no stranger to using clear nail polish to stop small runs). Whatever I end up not spending on hose due to frugality goes towards insanely awesome apples (Ambrosia represent!), so it's all good, but now I'm wondering how I must sound to my friends on Facebook who don't know me very well.
(Not like I care what people think of me, because I don't, but I'm trying to get into the habit of seeing how I may be perceived by other people. You know, for when I become famous.)
I know as a society, with the crappy economy (and credit score asking now? Really?!?) and slowish recovery, it's considered bad form to brag about being able to afford groceries, or something. Can we like, be happy about having a good job and affording things, at all yet? I may spend a ton of money on pantyhose, and I can afford to have a car payment for the next (zillion) years, but I do cut back elsewhere. Hell, I cut back elsewhere so I can afford to give money to people in need, when I'm able. Sure I don't have the latest greatest iWidget or Droidy-whatever, and what I have tends to not work well way too much of the time, but what I have makes me happy enough to want to spend my money elsewhere, on other things that make me happy and/or healthy. Like Ambrosia apples. Like Active Release Techniques (tm) for my continually wonky ribs and ankle. Like too many appointments with specialists and nutritional supplements and medications to help me have a decent quality of life instead of being stuck in bed and only able to work not as much as before, continually worried about the next round of disability denial while unemployed. That was me last year, but this year I'm working full time again (for the first time in five years, huzzah!) and able to afford the medical care I need, and able to afford the pantyhose that help me kick ass at what I do. Can I celebrate that out loud yet instead of worrying about offending anyone with my happiness? I still can't afford things that a lot of people have, that make them happy (vacations... hell, even long weekends away from normal life), but that's because my priorities are different. I'm happy with not traveling and seeing the world as often since I am ensuring I have a good quality of life... okay, I could be way happier about that. By a lot. But that's okay. I can deal.
Priorities are different for everyone. Mine are kinda not the same as most people's priorities, I think, but that's okay. Unless most people are expecting to be in a firefight with a well-organized militia, and sorry but I can't help with that. I'm not sure where I was going with all of this except to say I really don't like being in a broody funk because I think way too much. I also don't like not having the energy I remember having a few months ago, when it was warmer and I was bitching about being too hot, because now it's cold and I love the cold but my body is not having a fun time moving with it cold out. I do like these vegetables I'm having for dinner though - I like oven-roasting vegetables with coriander and curry and olive oil, but tonight I found some three-week-old snow peas in the fridge (still good for the most part!) so oven-roasted those with broccoli and red onion in a little bit of thickish teriyaki glaze instead of olive oil because I'm a fucking genius. These veggies are *outstandingly good*.
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