I Heart My G-Note!!

I'm eating lunch on the go and had to notate something to myself while reading on my Kindle. Damn this is smooth.

Let the dead rest in peace, dammit. Zombies suck.

I did not know typing my thoughts could make this happen.
(Silverlight has been crashing on me for the last 12,000 years
without fail, so this is definitely not from that. Sigh.)

You know when you think about contacting someone from your past because doing so would be very relevant to your very hopeful immediate future job, even though you haven't spoken in years and the other person likely hates you because of not understanding "friend trying to help you not screw up your life even worse" and you shouldn't have to explain that but then you do, and as soon as you finish typing your thoughts you see your computer screen turn green and pixellate, and it locks up so much that when it's restarted you get a notice that your overclocking failed so you have to go into the BIOS to fix things? Yeah, I hate it when that happens.

As I'm a pantheist (Zen Pantheist Skeptic more than anything else, even though I love me some Catholic liturgy), I think I'll take this as a subtle hint from the universe to keep not talking to him, even though this job I want would entail working closely with someone in a very similar way to how we'd worked together, and I want him to give me proper props like he said he'd do but I kinda want to make sure but now the making sure is not gonna happen because my computer is a bitch to begin with and I don't want to aggravate her further. Balls.

The universe tends to get my attention in a big way when I think about being a nice more-than-decent human being and shouldn't even bother, or when I want to do things I know I shouldn't do. I'm generally way too nice to people to begin with (like Bjork, I err on the side of generosity), but sometimes I get forced to pay attention to what I'm thinking about (or trying to not think about), and that's always interesting. 

The last time anything noticeable like this happened was about a year and a half ago, when I knew hubby and I should've just stayed at home in Dallas one weekend. However, there were exciting things going on, so I pushed myself to attend said exciting things even though I knew better and even with knowing I'd be extremely worn down afterward from having pushed myself in similar ways then-recently, but some of these things interested hubby so of course I wanted him to go too, so yeah, hot messes happened. 

We had a very (literally) crappy weekend out of state while doing a few college homecoming things and museuming as usual when in the area. It was nice to see some of my classmates after 15 years, and it was awesome seeing a kickass production of "Antigone" there, but it was not so nice to be surprised by a wrong way driver heading straight for us on a back road highway. (Yay for being able to get my swerve on while thinking about how incredibly awful I felt.) We should've stayed in our hotel room the first night instead of hitting the big shindig done by the school of music, since hubby's gut was agitated and mine was getting that way, but nooooo, I had to insist on going and had to get Imodium so all would be fairly well. I now know that this was wrong. He felt better the next day, when I missed out on museuming thanks to being in the bathroom for like an hour and a half in literal gut-wrenching agony. 

Naturally it occurred to me then that these things could've been avoided had we just stayed home (especially as the driving scare happened about 20 minutes before getting to said museum). There wasn't anything life-changing going on that we would've missed out on, aside from my really getting what the chorus of a Greek play should ideally be like, and aside from seeing a "Clerks" reference in context in real life, but even those things don't compare to the crap that happened.

The first thought that came to mind when seeing this:
"I'm not even supposed to be here today!!"
Well played, universe. Well played.

Of course, we could've just felt bad from food poisoning, but my gut would've exploded within 4-12 hours as usual instead of waiting 40 hours, so I kinda think not. Still, I continue to not buy chicken from Target, just in case we did have bad chicken the night before we left, even though I know this all was really a gentle prod from the universe to get me to take even better care of myself. Then again, it could be both. It really doesn't matter. None of this matters, except that I really hate when the universe course-corrects me in a big obvious-to-me way.

Okay, I'm really going to the arboretum soon. Today. Because I've been wanting to but changed my mind about it on Monday and yesterday. And because I don't want the universe to kick me anymore for not getting out to enjoy it like I should. (And I apologize if my reposting this a zillion times right now screws up your feed but the text is all fubar and it is driving me nuts, and yes, I know how that all sounds after what I just said. Balls.)

So many great things happening!!!

These are my flavors of interesting. Click to embiggen.

So many great things are happening, with meeting new people on Facebook and at the huge new AT&T store (more on that later) and having great phone interviews leading to in-person job interviewing for two hours later this week!! I figured I'd make one of these to illustrate myself to people getting to know me outside of random online jibba-jibba, whether they've known me for 20+ years or 2 days. It sums things up very nicely, really.

See, I'm very ottery and smiley and happy, as far as everyone who sees me is concerned. I also look way younger than I actually am (I'm turning 39 in a few months but apparently still look 28-32), so used the perfect young asian otter image from Das Otterhaus even though I'd be a North American River Otter (NARO) if I was an otter. However, on the inside I have the huge-eyed stare of a tarsier because I'm adjusting to new meds, amazed at the stupidity I see expressed on the internet, playing Sims 3 for 5 hours straight, etc.

I'd love to spend most of my days doing wildlife and nature photography (ideally for National Geographic, with incredible shots like Bruce Dale does there) and getting deep tissue massages, but I have to worry from hour to hour on what I'm able to do on any given day since I tend to overdo things when I'm feeling back to my old normal. I'm doing way better with pacing myself still and knowing my limits (the newish normal I've found after the Sjogren's Syndrome diagnosis), but the new meds have been helping me to feel outstanding when I'm awake, and I'm awake for entire days again, and this makes me SOHAPPYOMGCANYOUBELIEVETHIS?!?? (Side note: the Cymbalta withdrawal brain zaps are much better but today I'm dizzy and puky-feeling and need to crash because of crappy sleep from a 30 degree temperature drop. Also, sleep has sucked for the last two nights due to having to take down my blackout curtains due to some weak plaster and a wonky outlet breaker issue. Long stories. Don't ask.) Oh, and the pain cycle image is from this very well written page.

My typical attitude is me feeling all wise and awesome like an elephant while being enveloped by a non-normal living environment (health crap) yet trudging along as best as I can anyway. If the elephant in the photo can have fun daily swims, dammit, I can too, figuratively speaking. Or something. Crap it's almost 3pm and I need to eat lunch. (See? Overdoing it again, but stopping soon, really. Woo, tangent.) My ideal future for years has been opening up a fine art shop in New Mexico for selling my photography and hubby's art, but now it's grown more specific with wanting to do that plus farm Chimayo chiles in Chimayo (those chiles are so amazing, you guys, like omg, you guys). Having a little cafe there too would be pretty spiffy, since my brother-in-law has this chili spice blend that's incredible, and I need me more of that and more green Chimayo chile powder for cooking (it's seasonal and the Rancho de Chimayo is out of stock, per their website).

So. There it is. I'mma eat a really late lunch now then crash for a bit, and then organize music, and then come home and figure out more of how to work my new Samsung Galaxy Note, and then and then and then... Oh, Claude (my old iPhone 3GS, named after Claude Debussy) is death rattling very constantly now, with buzzing like the sound off/on switch is being flipped but with no one touching it and me staring at it from across a room. It's disconcerting. I need to put some of the contacts in Audrey (my new phone, named after Audrey Kawasaki) and download some apps and more, but not right now.

OH - and I had the best day yesterday with meeting up with an old friend, and eating freaking incredible food (both the ravioli and Guinness ice cream were like ambrosia, y'all), and visiting cute local shops, and basking while inhaling the smells of an old bookstore, and okay I'm really going now, damn.

Wheeeeeee!!!!

Well, turns out the stuff I'd mentioned to the asshat at AT&T *was* in the terms and conditions, and when I talked with someone else about it last week, I was surprised to hear that my iPad was still using the 3G. Whaaa? Long story short, I would've had to pay for the use anyway since the cellular data setting was still on, even though I'd cancelled my plan. I'm pretty sure I reset that to be on accidentally when I was checking to make sure it was still cancelled way back when. Or something. I dunno.

My thumb is way better and is still a little sore in a tiny area but that's okay since there's two additional layers of skin there now. The cancer recurrence scare I've been going through (did I even mention that? Not gonna bother to look back through the blog due to brain zaps) is basically over, since both a ductogram and Aurora breast MRI were negative. My endo's been feeling worse so I'm going to try Zoladex, which is kinda like Lupron but not, and it's supposed to help me be pelvic pain free for two years after being in six months of menopause. We're currently waiting to see if insurance will cover it, and I'm hoping my part will be affordable assuming it's covered. My surgeon's wife said, "Good luck with that!" when I filled her in this afternoon, due to the lovely insanity we had not long ago. She was also thrilled that I thought of her when noticing more discharge today. Yeah, I've been kinda preoccupied with a lot of things.

There's a lot more that's been going on, notably thinking logistically through my new grand plan to live in Chimayo, NM and be a chile farmer in six years (yes really), but I'm not going into any of that or into any of six other things because of brain zapping. See, I went from 60 mg of Cymbalta straight to 25 mg of Savella last week, and whoo boy it's NOT been fun. It is NOWHERE near as bad as when Effexor stopped working for me some years ago, but it's definitely not fun. I'm feeling really awful that I've asked for more hours at my part-time job but I haven't been able to make it in this week so far. :(

Yesterday I tried to make it to the new huge AT&T Mobility store so I could check out and probably get a white Samsung Galaxy Note. I also tried to make it to Target for getting Great Home Stuff (tm) (funny story re: the GHS that I won't get into here), then tried to make it to Kroger. I failed miserably on all counts. I had wanted to go across town to World Market and to Sprouts, but those are like 20 minutes away and I settled for driving just 2-3 miles away to everywhere else. I hadn't even reached the first place when I felt awfully dizzy, nauseated, clammy, and blugh, so stopped at McDeath for a double cheeseburger on the off-chance that I needed more fuel. (I'd only had pan-roasted carrots and a bell pepper for lunch.) I still felt pretty awful so I drove home instead of stopping anywhere I'd intended to go. That 10 minute drive felt like for-e-ver too. And then I crashed. At 5:30 pm. And was awakened to take evening meds just after 9pm, and then couldn't get back to sleep until 7:30 am, then woke at about 9:30 am, and such as. I made it to 8pm before crashing the other night (and sleeping through until Magic Morning Oatmeal Time at 6:15 am), and my sleep schedule has been off again from the med adjustment, but I am physically feeling better aside from the withdrawal crap so I guess that's something.

Today I actually made it to Target but hung on to the shopping cart for dear life for nearly two hours while going around the store very slowly. Out of the 15 things on my list of things to get, I totally skipped two intentionally because I was taking too freaking long.

*insert 10-12 minutes of spacing out at my computer desk just now*

Oh yeah, brain zaps. (Will maybe talk about other stuff another time, as if anyone wants to hear my reasonings for farming chile in Chimayo or about the two kilos of copper bullion I got from my fatherland of Pennsylvania.) The zaps are from Cymbalta withdrawals, and I'm thankful that they're nowhere near as bad as Effexor withdrawals but GAH they totally suck. I am feeling noticeably better on the Savella though, and have stopped taking both my Benadryl for sleepytime and half my tramadol for pain. And it's been ungodly swampy humid lately, so I should've been hurting way more than I have been. Woot! But these zaps... oy. I can deal with the headaches and sweatiness, but the nausea is blech and the dizziness is annoying and these zaps are just amazingly disconcerting.

Best description I've seen on the interweb:

“Brain zaps” are said to defy description for whomever has not experienced them, but the most common themes are of a sudden “jolt,” likened to an electric shock, apparently occurring or originating within the brain itself, with associated disorientation for a few seconds. The phenomenon is most often reported as a brief, wave-like electrical pulse that quickly travels across the surface of (or through) the brain. Some people experience these “waves” through the rest of their body, but the sensation dissipates quickly. They are sometimes accompanied by brief tinnitus and vertigo like feelings. Immediately following this shock is a light-headedness that may last for up to ten seconds. The sensation has also be described by many as a flashbulb going off inside the head or brain. Moving one’s eyes from side to side quickly while open has also been known to trigger these zaps and sometimes causing them to come in rapid succession. It is thought to be a form of neuro-epileptiform activity.

As withdrawal time increases, the frequency of the shocks decreases. At their peak, brain zaps have been associated with severe headaches. They may last for a period of several weeks after the last dose and usually resolve completely within a month or two. However, anecdotal reports of “zaps” during a protracted withdrawal are known to last a year or longer.

And on that note, I'm off to dream of otters and holding a Galaxy Note in hand before ordering one.