Priorities

I've been in a brooding funk for the last few days. It's kinda like when I get into a severely depressive funk, except instead of feeling absolutely immobile from sadness, I've been feeling pensive. Broody. Funky in a broody way. But this year, I'm looking around me and realizing a little more how things are just fucked up.

During the bottom of each year, I usually think about death and dying. It's a seasonal thing. However, instead of pining for relatives and friends who have been long gone (or short gone), I think about the living and how I wish some of them would just die so I can talk with them all the time in that whole communion of saints thing. Then I think that's awfully selfish of me, because if they're not talking with me now, why would they want to talk with me then?, but then I know some of them aren't able to because of physical infirmities, not because they don't want to but because they can't, and then I feel a little better (though a bit self-directed, which I'm more okay with as years pass but I think I'm worrying about appearing selfish instead of continuing to be self-involved or self-conscious or reflectivey or whatever. Woo, tangent).

So the latest mass casualty event from some nut shooting off ammo has resulted in tons more people spouting out about how laws need to change, how gun control needs to be enforced, blah blah blah. It's the same old shit over and over. People go apeshit and stockpile guns and equipment as if they're going to be outlawed, which is not going to happen ever, and I think some kind of horrific record has been set with the amounts purchased. Three and a half years of ammo purchased in three days. What. The. Fuck. Seriously, setting the bar this high is going to result in even more fucked-up-ness next time (and there's always a next time because people are more interested in talking than doing - I'm looking at you, Congress). Priorities really need to change soon, in the focusing-on-helping-other-people beneficial kind of way, with this.

Priorities about money are confusing me right now though. From reading about how people have to worry about credit score while dating to learning about tights that are as good as (if not better than) pantyhose to contemplating why I spend around $800 on pantyhose each year, I'm feeling a little bewildered. I didn't realize pantyhose was "out" although I know plenty of people who hate wearing it and favor wearing flip-flops everywhere. (Oh shit, are flip-flops out yet?)

Unless I'm wearing jeans at work, I wear pantyhose because of several reasons. I'm used to it being mandatory at the office environments I find myself in, for starters. I also like feeling all properly dressed and finished and all professional. I take myself more seriously in hose, anyway, and I know that my self-confidence is boosted when I wear it (and this definitely helps with my being 5'2" and trying to relate professionally to tall people). The mild compression (Sheer Energy represent!) helps me to not worry about having a DVT while stuck at a desk, since I take non-stop birth control pills for the endometriosis, plus the leg support is nice.

Granted, I spend less than $800 on hose because each pair lasts an average of two to four wearings (I'm careful plus am no stranger to using clear nail polish to stop small runs). Whatever I end up not spending on hose due to frugality goes towards insanely awesome apples (Ambrosia represent!), so it's all good, but now I'm wondering how I must sound to my friends on Facebook who don't know me very well.

(Not like I care what people think of me, because I don't, but I'm trying to get into the habit of seeing how I may be perceived by other people. You know, for when I become famous.)

I know as a society, with the crappy economy (and credit score asking now? Really?!?) and slowish recovery, it's considered bad form to brag about being able to afford groceries, or something. Can we like, be happy about having a good job and affording things, at all yet? I may spend a ton of money on pantyhose,  and I can afford to have a car payment for the next (zillion) years, but I do cut back elsewhere. Hell, I cut back elsewhere so I can afford to give money to people in need, when I'm able. Sure I don't have the latest greatest iWidget or Droidy-whatever, and what I have tends to not work well way too much of the time, but what I have makes me happy enough to want to spend my money elsewhere, on other things that make me happy and/or healthy. Like Ambrosia apples. Like Active Release Techniques (tm) for my continually wonky ribs and ankle. Like too many appointments with specialists and nutritional supplements and medications to help me have a decent quality of life instead of being stuck in bed and only able to work not as much as before, continually worried about the next round of disability denial while unemployed. That was me last year, but this year I'm working full time again (for the first time in five years, huzzah!) and able to afford the medical care I need, and able to afford the pantyhose that help me kick ass at what I do. Can I celebrate that out loud yet instead of worrying about offending anyone with my happiness? I still can't afford things that a lot of people have, that make them happy (vacations... hell, even long weekends away from normal life), but that's because my priorities are different. I'm happy with not traveling and seeing the world as often since I am ensuring I have a good quality of life... okay, I could be way happier about that. By a lot. But that's okay. I can deal.

Priorities are different for everyone. Mine are kinda not the same as most people's priorities, I think, but that's okay. Unless most people are expecting to be in a firefight with a well-organized militia, and sorry but I can't help with that. I'm not sure where I was going with all of this except to say I really don't like being in a broody funk because I think way too much. I also don't like not having the energy I remember having a few months ago, when it was warmer and I was bitching about being too hot, because now it's cold and I love the cold but my body is not having a fun time moving with it cold out. I do like these vegetables I'm having for dinner though - I like oven-roasting vegetables with coriander and curry and olive oil, but tonight I found some three-week-old snow peas in the fridge (still good for the most part!) so oven-roasted those with broccoli and red onion in a little bit of thickish teriyaki glaze instead of olive oil because I'm a fucking genius. These veggies are *outstandingly good*.

*sigh*

I feel weird. I've been trying to not get caught up in the national horrified pause with hushed discussions about gun control and mental health post-Sandy Hook. I'd been doing a good job of it, too, until I read the transcript of the speech that cut into Bob's Burgers yesterday. (Hubby and I just turned off the TV when the show was paused. Yay for future reruns.) I misted up a bit, then felt awkward.

See, I've known since I was 20 that I don't want to have children. Why? (Damn, I wish I knew where my list of reasons was. That'd save me a lot of braining right now.) Among other smaller reasons lost in the fibro fog:

1 - I have a frightening amount of health issues that I would not wish on anyone else, and imho, to intentionally create a human with potential to have said issues is just horribly irresponsible. It's not just that there are a lot of issues - it's a lot of interconnected small issues with the bigger issues. Sure, I kicked the ass of triple negative breast cancer, but the treatment for that was a bit harsh on my system, and I'd already been dealing with endometriosis, fibromyalgia, and familial hypertension before that. Since then, with the Primary Sjogren's Syndrome and related occasional gastritis and mild gastroparesis, and the never-ending prescription roulette and dosage adjustment carousel, things kinda suck more. The long-standing genetic depression doesn't help, either. No way I'd intentionally inflict all of this on my own child/ren.

2 - You know that expression about how having a child is like having your heart walking around outside of your body? I would so suck with that. I would very much spectacularly epically fail with that. I would have to be committed long term if anything happened to my offspring. I can see myself totally cracking and having a complete breakdown. This is mostly why I've been avoiding as much as possible a lot of news about the aftermath of the shootings - sometimes having a sensitive heart really fucking sucks. Yes, I'm using caregiver-type coping skills and talking with people privately about related topics, but if I stop to really think about it for more than two minutes I'd just stop crying in about 3 days. Focusing on promoting needed changes in productive dialogue re: mental health and gun control is a much better use of my energy. I'll grieve with the collective another day.

3 - I would also be a horrible parent, with micromanaging due to overworrying. I'm afraid I would end up being one of those stage mothers that embarrasses their kids through smothering thick gooey love, and That Is Not Okay. That Is Not Okay At All. I also would be a horrible parent with not having the energy to care for a child. I can barely manage to take care of myself some days, even with a TON of awesome medications and nutritional supplements and an Extremely Helpful Husband. You parents who have to deal with autoimmune/chronic illnesses while raising children get 5 standing ovations and a bouquet of boxes of chocolate and vodka from me. Those of you who desperately want children but are unable to have any of your own get those plus extra gentle hugs from me. I know that sure, adoption is doable in most cases, and I am totally all for adoption!, but I also know it wouldn't be the same as having your own heart walking around outside of your body, and hopefully combined with the heart of someone you love on top of that.

Hubby likewise doesn't want children, and we wouldn't be married to each other if either of us had wanted children. He'd rather have the money, as would I, which is part of why I feel weird, but the decision to have and raise a child is more than that and is a way huge deal. Too many non-fit parents are out there; knowing that I would likely be one on top of passing down the health crap makes me feel that *not* having kids is my responsibility. I'm happy to interact with children of all ages (I have a degree in PK-12 vocal music education after all!) but I'm very relieved and glad that I don't have any of my own to care for. I'd do much better with critters anyway. It'd be ideal to have a Samoyed or Chocolate Lab or a Nebelung or an iguana or bearded dragons or guinea pigs or a chinchilla or combination of critters, knowing I wouldn't hurt as much if something terrible happened. I was a mess when my chinchilla died and I still miss my Nebelung but it's all good because I never had to deal with caring for part of me outside of me. I don't think I would ever get over any of that, over the joy and wonder and heartbreak and worry and worry and much more worry and micromanaging and laughter and sunshine and tears.... it's too much for me to handle, and I'm not ashamed to say so. I don't consider myself weak at all - it's just not in my programming. Some people are wired this way. And now I'm rambling.

I could ramble on about the mental health and gun control issues, but I won't. Suffice it to say that there should be way more education and yearly maintenance of gun permit/licensure requirements, and that there should not be a stigma about getting needed help for mental health. Health is health. Education can prevent loss of life. These are not difficult concepts to put into livable reality.

To those of you with children, treat them very well. Love them like you love yourself. Love yourself like you love them. You never know when they might be gone forever. You never know when you'll be gone forever. Both of my parents have been deceased for years (just over 24 for mom and almost 7 for dad), and thinking about how they would be living and reacting now if they were alive is such a trip. I can see parts of both of them in myself, and I'm so thankful that they helped to shape me into who I've become so far, but a part of me is extra appreciative of the sacrifices they made to make sure that I had a nice experience with growing up. All children should have a good experience with life. We need to make sure that adult children get the care they need and also understand how important some responsibilities are.

"My wedding ring is off. Woo hoo!!" and other recent thoughts

Don't panic - I'm still married to the same guy (and if all goes well I will be getting something very shiny on our 11th wedding anniversary next weekend....unless I cave in and go before then for a test drive and the car dude I've been emailing with for two months smooth talks me into getting what I want to get that day but I'mma be so busy I don't know, and this weekend we're busy when they're open and they're closed when we're not and I'd rather have hubby there for "guy presence" in case the dealership guys try to take advantage of my fragile womanity... woo, tangent).

See, the Weight Watchers thing has been going fairly well, and after 120 days I've been plateauing at the 16 pounds lost mark. The last few weeks have been like .6 pounds down, .2 pounds down, 1 pound up, .6 pounds down, but I was sick one week and overcompensated last weekend due to having an appetite again, but I'm trending back down so hooray there. I've lost an inch off my belly, 3 inches off my hips, 1.25 inches off my thighs, 1/2 inch off my chest, a cup size off my boobs, 1/4 inch off my neck, and NOTHING off my arms. GRR STABBY with the arms but overall, not too shabby.

So yeah, the other night I was able to remove my wedding ring for the first time in 3 years, and I was pretty thrilled about it. I thoroughly cleaned it and noted that the inscription I got on the inside about 3 1/2 years ago was totally different than the one I thought I'd gotten (I didn't match hubby's inner inscription at all and I thought I did - whoops). Naturally, I put it back on after 5 minutes because the last time this happened, my fingers swelled up again, and sure enough, I can't get it off now, no matter how much I try to shrink my fingers with icy coldness. It's nice to know that the body is rearranging the real estate here and there, anyway.

In other news, I need to catch up with a lot of things, and I've been pondering about several things recently....being a different person over time, why rules exist, and how I'm going to branch out the brand of me. Branching out is pretty much figured out - one branch for health and wellness things, one branch for ottery things, one branch for writing things, one branch for photography things, and one branch for my general weirdness. I want to do some pretty expansive things in each of these areas, and I have a road map for where I want to go in each place. Laying down foundational groundwork has been taking up a lot of my energy the last few years, but I'm about at the point where I'm ready to cement all the bricks and cobblestones together and get to building up already. It feels like birthing a whole family at once.

Thinking about how people evolve over time has been intriguing me lately. Tonight hubby and I went to the place I worked at a year ago (he had an artist meeting for this neat commission he's doing), and thinking about how different life was and I was a year ago made me smile. I felt like crap from the Sjogren's, fibro, endo, not working, and being frustrated with the SSDI application process, and I was so grateful to get a church gig filing music and helping with orchestra books for 5 hours a week. Now, I've been able to work at least 40 hours a week since February/March (when I started on Deplin and Savella), I feel much better with the current twice-a-day drug parties (with the current prescription meds and supplements), and I haven't bothered to worry about disability since being able to work again (btw getting lots of health records for the third application round after being denied twice was pretty amazeballs).

Recently I thought about the notion that each cell in a person's body replenishes at such a rate that we all have a new body every 7 years, and thinking back to where I was 7, 14, and 21 years ago really wowed me, with noting aspects of my personality that have changed and aspects that have stayed the same and deepened. 21 years ago I was a freshman in college.14 years ago I was going from a broken engagement to another relationship. 7 years ago I went from the field of Catholic liturgy into the field of hospital-related disaster preparedness. Everything that I've been has been burbling and simmering into a lovely stew of sorts, and I feel almost congealed enough to be put in a mold and cool and set like flan. Except instead of being flan, I'd be building on all the foundations I've laid along the different branches of my life path. (Also, I would eat the shit out of the flan before it fully set. I'm just sayin'.)

The rules thing has been turning over in my brain for the last few days. Hubby said that rules are for when there are problems. He thinks I have a problem with being on the computer a lot. I have made it known on Facebook that I have a Sims 3 addiction, but I'm not so addicted that I'm playing 24/7 and forgetting to be hygenic and losing my job. I instituted a rule for myself that I won't play start playing Sims 3 after 10pm on a school night because I will lose track of time while playing and it'll be 2am before I know it. (Had to put in that clarification because this only applies to starting to play, not actually playing past 10. I was trying to hurry while writing this.) I usually don't get tired until about 1:15 am anyway but I'm like that whether I play Sims or not, so really, not a solely Sims-related problem, and I haven't broken the rule at all. Thing is, with being an introvert, I require more alone time than most people to replenish my energy (hubby's even more of an introvert so he gets that), and with having plenty of chronic autoimmune crap to deal with after I get done being distracted from how I feel with the mindbogglingly amazing days I have at work, I require even more down time than before, so hey, I tend to do what I'm doing for a good long while, and it happens to be computery things, whether Sims or photography stuff or reading online or Facebooking. Wow that was a long sentence.

He has a rule of "no Oreos in the house" because he will eat them all and then throw them up. That is a rule because of a problem. I maintain that rules can exist without necessarily having a problem attached. Like, there are road rules for people because established standards of how to do things is important. Yes some people have problems associated with driving, but that's not why the rules exist. The rules exist for safety more than they exist for problems. (Well, that's how it seems to be to me, anyway.) Weight Watchers has the Points Plus system for people who have a problem with food, BUT it can also be seen as a lifestyle change by people of any weight, so it's really the same as adopting new established standards for safety (health) reasons. Am I bullshitting myself with thinking this way? I'm not sure. I'm food enabled (breakfast and steak and chocolate and Chinese and Mediterranean especially), but I make better choices now and the effect is pleasing me and making me healthier. I also know musicians who know the rules of music theory and proceed to break them to... still... create music. A former occasional coworker of mine taught me to "know the rules, use the rules" and that's served me well a lot of times. So rules... are problems necessary to have them? I don't think so, but that's just, like my opinion, maaan.

Ishri Devi with her pregnant unicorn Shanti.
I love this game.

Ooh, it'll be 10pm soon. Off to the land of Appaloosa Plains, where the Sim I'm currently playing with (an incarnation of Lakshmi) is expecting one of her unicorns to foal any minute now. The foal may or may not be a unicorn as the father is a regular horse, but I'll see soon enough.

UPDATE - I know the  adage of "rules are made to be broken" is held by some people. Breaking rules usually results in non-pleasant consequences. I am totally okay with breaking SOME rules if the consequences are such that I can deal. Like, uh, starting to play Sims 3 at 10:03 last night, breaking my rule for the first time, knowing the consequence would be me starting my next day with a lack of sleep. Sure enough...but I'll deal. Because I'm a big girl. And I know better. :) Also, the foal was a unicorn, and since I'm going to be picky with breeding for this game, the unicorn foal went back to the wild (disappearing from the game forever). I have one Sim with 4 horsey creatures and only 6 beings are allowed in the household, so it's breed until I get a foal that I like, then put one regular horsey parent up for adoption so I can breed another foal, etc. So now I've put one up for adoption, adopted a different horse, and will be playing with breeding next time too. But as Carl says, "It don't matter. None of this matters."

It's been surreal....

Actually, life has been getting back to a normal state of weirdness lately. I'd blog more about it but 1) I'm tired and only got 4 hours of decent sleep last night, 2) I do not want to harsh my zen, and 3) these pics pretty much sum things up, except for the bazillions of photos I still need to go through (omg 360+ GB, I am not joking). Pics are small here because I'm being perverse with the not-wanting-people-to-gank-and-embiggen. Well, kinda. They're small mainly because I don't want to mess with post-processing, because I'm detailed and picky ('cos I'm a Virgo) and I don't have time for it but I still want to share and... well, here.

Here fishy fishy fishy...

This is not my dog. He's awfully funny sometimes.

I so almost bought this. For reals.

Screenshot of a highlight I made on my
Galaxy Note while reading in the Kindle app.
Only a year left in my contract before I
get the iPhone 6. I love the G-Note except
I'm too busy to mess with the intricacies,
plus the keyboard makes typing awkward.

Our resident hawk. He'd just flown up here.
He doesn't like hip hop. Not from booming cars, anyway.

It took me three weeks to pick up a registered mail package.
Three. Weeks. Of not knowing where it was, and of general
incompetence from postal workers. This love note was written
and dropped in the inside mail slot during week two's visit.
Oh, and I did drop off my orange card. After I took photos
of both the front and back of it. Grrr. Stabby.

Fit Fish (blackened rainbow trout) at Fish City Grill.

Disturbing.

The case of Lightning Medicine Cloud has been closed. Forensic evidence points to blackleg as cause of death, not ritual mutilation. This would make sense with how sudden the deaths were, and there is a blackleg vaccine for cattle, though it may or may not work for bison. More on this in a bit.

The spiritual implications are interesting, given that another white bison calf is alive and kicking in the northeastern United States. Peter Fay, the caretaker of Yellow Medicine Dancing Boy, is not a Native American and has only had his bison farm for 4 years. The caretaker of Lightning Medicine Cloud, Arby Little Soldier, is not only a Native but is a descendant of Sitting Buffalo Bull through one of Sitting Bull's stepsons, Henry Little Soldier (so no actual blood relationship; genealogy info near the bottom of that page). To me, these men seem like wonderful decisions by the universe / White Buffalo Calf Woman / Wakan Tanka, the divine, etc., because of the unity inherent in Mitakuye Oyasin. Hold that thought.

Although technically I'm more of a Zen Catholic than anything (hating the church politics but loving me some liturgy whenever I find myself at a Mass), I identify as a pantheist. Pantheism can mean many things to many different people, but my particular flavor involves seeing everything as part of the Divine, as God in a sense, learning more about itself by working in harmony with itself, with all of us as part of its mechanisms. It's kinda like how we learn more about ourselves over time. As we learn more about ourselves and our place in the multiverses, the Divine learns more about itself, which enables it to grow and develop. Mind you, I have this belief set in a scientific context. Along with this expanding universe, I see all other currently not observed dimensions and parallel 'verses that may or may not happen at a different rate of time as parts of the Divine. It's like a macrocosm/microcosm thing, like what we have in our own bodies. This may not be the best description, but it's like the Divine is the mind/soul/spirit of a person in its own personal universe (body), with our various non-solar but still systems (nervous, endocrine, etc.) sustaining various forms of life (what with tons of different types of bacteria, viruses, etc., plus the teenyature universes of what those are made of). Knowing that everything is a necessary part of everything and that we are all in this together is the essence of Mitakuye Oyasin to me.

There needs to be a lot more love and patience and tolerance and understanding on this planet, because we really are all in this together. Many more non-Natives are more conscious of this message thanks to Lightning Medicine Cloud. However, knowing the divisions among some Natives are as politically and spiritually charged as those of non-Natives makes me sad. The issue of including non-Natives in some Native things is seen by some Natives as a Bad Thing, but it's also a Non-Issue for others. There's the worry of how to protect one's heritage while embracing Mitakuye Oyasin, and there's the bewilderment of intentions and perceptions on all sides. (For example, Johnny Depp was adopted into the Comanche Nation due to his role as Tonto but other Natives are upset by details behind his portrayal of Tonto.) There's also the perpetual headache of arguing over who might have the most authentic spirituality within the tribes, when that shouldn't even be a problem. (Read about the sacred white buffalo pipe controversy sometime. Ai yah.)

Lightning Medicine Cloud and his mom, taken on the day
of his naming ceremony. This photo is protected by Digimarc
so feel free to use it as a Facebook cover photo if you like.

As a non-Native, seeing the accusations flying over Little Buff Buff's death is disheartening. Even more disturbing are the conclusions with the facts so far. Lakota Ranch is about an hour and a half from where I currently live so it's a little surreal to me that this is all local news. I was there at the naming ceremony last year. I saw and felt the excitement of everyone there, and the deep respect and pride of many Natives as they celebrated this marvelous rare occurrence together. Now... the whole thing is disturbing, especially with the Facebook page completely gone now. That *really* bothers me, especially with the wording in the latest press release (August 24, 2012). "The Lightning Medicine Cloud website will remain open for upcoming news and updates, however Facebook has never been a spiritual thing for them, and is therefore discontinued." So.... the Facebook page was more for them than for the many others who found community there? Hrrmph. Disturbing.

[UPDATE: I am really disturbed now - looking for cached info on the Facebook page, there's apparently been a lot of name calling and insulting going on. I could see shutting it down from that, but the wording would still mention that, I would think. Even if they didn't maintain the page, whoever was admining could've said something like, "We want to remain true to the message and we obviously still have a long way to go as evidenced by the comments on the page, and so we're shutting this down in honor and respect to LMC." Or something. I just saw a cached version of the page with a comment from someone mentioning that his post was deleted ... can't handle the truth... etc..... Sigh.]

I donated a small amount of money when I heard about the deaths but I didn't designate it specifically for the justice fund or for anything else. It was most certainly not a pledge (I have the PayPal receipt as a pdf), and it was most certainly intended to help with the care and feeding of the bison there. I'm at peace with having donated, though I feel a little agitated since I wouldn't have made the donation otherwise. It's all just sad but I do hope some good happens out of this whole mess, especially if the transportation of Chief Hiawatha is still on as LMC's case is now closed. Whatever the intentions of anyone, I'm going to keep this perspective ahead of all others: ""Maybe Lightning Medicine Cloud was sent to get everyone's attention, So Yellow Medicine Dancing Boy can deliver the rest of the message?"

R.I.P. Little Buff Buff, and thank you for your short life.

I have a problem with my pants.

See, I have some pants that I've enjoyed wearing for.... what, maybe four years already? (Wowza, nice.) I'm now able to pull them down without undoing the zipper and wide thin hook catch dillie and button. Actually, I was able to do this last week, but it's kinda getting worse, and now I'm going to have to go shopping.

OH THE HORROR!!!

I loathe clothes shopping. Always have. Especially now that it's 107ish till October, I really hate it. Thank Buddha for elastic pants and laziness.

I'm down 8.2 pounds in 5 weeks, and I still have to eat 2 more required Points Plus for today, so I'mma have some booze. Yep, 2 shots of peach schnappes in diet cream soda, with my half-a-huge-cantaloupe. Tasty. I've had another 9.75 hour workday (I seem to be having a lot of those lately, which is great because I can do those again, but blargh, you know?) so I will deffo appreciate it.

In other news, it's runoff election day, and Texas has not disappointed me in the "we love tea!" category. (I hate tea. I not only dislike Tea Partiers in that they don't seem to enjoy rational conversation, but I actively dislike tea. Peach tea, green tea, apple tea, oolong tea with ginger, all that. I do not like tea. Since I'm half-asian, that makes me even more strange than most half-asians. I also dislike math, and I don't know how to play the violin other than having taken a class for one semester in college. I'm a bad asian. Woo, tangent.)

I'm worried about my cousin out in California and his new wife. They've been together for a while but haven't been married for too long, and she's having to play in Los Angeles traffic while he's starting treatment for acute myeloid leukemia. So far, so frustrating, and I hope it gets at least a little easier soon. I love how people mean so well when advising to do nutritional this and that because chemo destroys the immune system. Really, yes, but speaking as a cancer survivor, you've GOT to let the chemo work as medicine for a few days, otherwise the whole thing is a colossal and very expensive waste of time. I had to mention this on the Facespace, and also mentioned that my oncologist loved that I was seeing a nutritionist and taking Juice Plus supplements and getting massages in between treatments. I definitely felt much better when recovering from each session, and I'm glad I got the Western and alternative care I needed. I still worry about others having to go through the same and/or similar things, though.

How 'bout them Olympics? Yeah, I haven't watched any of it. I hear NBC has been pissing everyone off, but that's nothing new. They pissed me off years ago talking all over Bjork's incredible performance. She kinda had a wardrobe malfunction as the dress was supposed to unfold vertically as well (if memory serves me correctly), but it was still amazing to see. Here's that beauty unsullied by the commentary, because fuck those fucking fuckers.

I got your PointsPlus right here, pally!

So... three months on the job and I'm happy that I've not gained any stress weight. In fact, since I still have stress weight from the last two jobs plus gained poundage from years of medication roulette, and since I like the idea of "1) here's how you calculate points, and 2) only eat so many points a day to lose weight," I'm doing Weight Watchers At Work. (Yes, I'm doing this through my awesome workplace in a supportive group setting, and I have to say, the stresses I have there are familiar yet somewhat unfamiliar, and I definitely do not want to let the stress go to my thighs and arms again!)

So far, so good. Today was our three week weigh-in and so far I've lost 6.2 pounds. I'm not drinking Dr Pepper as often but I am drinking the shit out of diet 7up, diet Sprite, and diet Sierra Mist (and the dSM strawberry kiwi is impressing me). I'm not doing much exercise because of post-exertional malaise (thank you fibro and Sjogren's for the lovely uber-fatigue) but we found an elliptical that doesn't make my creaky knees hurt and I'm working out on that as I'm able. I also go down and up at least 6 flights of stairs a day so that's helpful.

Things I've learned from the first 3 weeks of Weight Watchers (because there's always something new to learn even with already knowing a ton about nutrition and healthiness and all that):

- Following the PointsPlus thing is really freakin' easy, especially with the handy special calculator. For fatigued and sometimes fibrofogged and somewhat lazy me, this rocks.

- Some of the proprietary Weight Watchers food is actually pretty good. I'm loving the mint cookie crisp snack bars, chocolate pretzel snack bars, bbq chips, and chocolate swirl cookies something fierce, although I'm definitely looking for popped bbq chips when grocery shopping since it's a lot cheaper. The snack bars are literally two bites worth of food, but that's really all that's needed for a quick snack since these are kinda dense and taste more rich than they look.

- Feeling deprived means you're doing it wrong. It's all about choosing what to eat, and when. Today for breakfast I had morning meds, a vanilla Chobani, and coffee with almond milk at 7:30 am. For a 9:50 am pre-two-meetings-in-a-row snack I had a mint cookie crisp bar. For lunch at 12:45 I had four slices of honey deli ham, 1 slice of colby jack cheese, and 1 tbsp of light Miracle Whip on an everything thin bagel, along with 15-16 French onion Sun Chips and some diet Sierra Mist. For a why-am-I-still-at-work snack at 5:40 pm, I had a chocolate pretzel blast bar. For dinner at 6:45 pm I had some strawberry kiwi diet Sierra Mist with a SmartOnes ravioli florentine, followed by 30-32 Sun Chips (harvest cheddar and french onion) and evening meds. I don't feel deprived At All. Points-wise, this takes up my 26 daily points and 9 of my 49 point slush per week. (It actually takes up 11 points but I had 2 activity points and traded those for food points. For me, 10 minutes of low intensity activity equals 1 activity point, and lotsa stuff counts as activity.) If I feel hungry later on tonight, I'll have some apples or cherries or grapes. Actually, cherries sound kinda good right now. BRB.

- A sushi roll is generally 12 points (3 points per 2 roll slices). Nigeri is better at 3 points per 4 nigeri. A hibachi filet mignon meal at Benihana (includnig veggies, soup, salad, etc.) is freakin' 27 points. I could splurge on that if I wanted to but yikes.

- Nuts are from the devil, y'all. Holy bajeebus. I'm way better off as a steakaholic!

- I generally eat healthy anyway, but now have a better idea of how much I go overboard when I know I go overboard. Like when I splurge on the coconut shrimp at anywhere. Or use as much olive oil as I'd normally use for any kind of stir-fry.

- I've totally missed out on incredibly indulgent eating, thanks to combinations I've learned about from coworkers. The french fries in a Frosty thing I knew about, but not the breadsticks dipped in alfredo sauce.

- I'm kind of an emotional eater in that I'll graze a lot and not really care about how much I graze, especially when I'm bored. When I'm upset, I go for either dairy (which usually makes my gut protest all violent-like) or fatty (nuts or the aforementioned coconut shrimp). Otherwise, if I'm really upset or in the zone doing work or focused on whatever, I'll forget to eat.

- I've tended to not remember to eat lunch until around 2pm for many years. Now I'm straight up eating lunch at 11:30am some days, by 12:45pm other days.

- I've been really pissy the last few days, wanting to eat a ton of anything in sight because my metabolism is currently ramped up, but yay for apples and carrots. Apples and carrots (and Sun Chips) are delicious.

- I'm totally getting a ton of protein-filled yumminess the next time I shop for groceries. Mmm... bison. Speaking of protein-filled yumminess, it is possible to go to Babe's Chicken House and eat only smoked chicken and a little bit of corn and come out absolutely stuffed and satisfied. Their smoked chicken is what we had for Thanksgiving or Christmas last year, or was it the year before? I dunno. I don't care. It was totes worth it.

In other news, fibro/Sjogren's flares from summertime really suck, photography is happening in bits and pieces, my Sims 3 addiction is still in place, and I have a good start on a screenplay I've been asked to write. It'll be a docu-fiction, and I'm really amazed that there's not been a movie done about the particular era of time I've chosen. The setting combined with the perspective of the person with the brilliant story idea makes me want to get it written as quickly as possible so no one else ganks the awesomeness. Seriously, I don't know how this isn't already a movie, and no, I'm not even mentioning general details since omg this is not going to be ganked from me!

And now is the time on Sprockets ven ve danz!